Episode 75: From Criticism to Clarity: Communication in Relationships That Actually Works

Good communication in relationships doesn’t mean always being nice or never arguing. It means being honest—even when it’s uncomfortable. In this episode in the Love After Kids series, we’re talking about how criticism and silence both get in the way of true connection—and what to do instead.

✨ Here’s what we’ll unpack:

• Why "If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all" may be terrible marriage advice.
• How to speak up without criticizing your partner.
• Why vulnerability builds deeper connection (even if it feels scary).
• How to start practicing healthier communication in your relationship today.

This episode is packed with relatable stories from Reddit and TV shows, actionable tools, and encouragement for anyone trying to strengthen their relationship—especially after kids.

Helpful Links: 

15 Emotional Needs Your Partner May Have, But Doesn't Know How to Say Out Loud Exercise (Questionnaire worksheet mentioned in this episode)

Thank you so much for joining me this week on today's episode. Be sure to follow me on IG @therapy.with.kayla

I love hearing about your insights and aha! moments from the show. 

About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a TX-based licensed therapist, business owner, and mom of 3.

In her private practice, Kayla helps women break free from cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Her holistic approach guides clients toward authentic, fulfilling lives by reconnecting with their intuition, setting boundaries, and building confidence.

Kayla also works with couples, especially parents balancing marriage and family. She offers both traditional couples therapy and focused intensives (6 to 18 hours) to help partners address key issues like communication, trust, and intimacy.

Through empathy and effective therapeutic tools, Kayla helps couples reconnect, thrive, and create healthier, more supportive relationships. Her practice transforms self-doubt and disconnection into growth, healing, and lasting change.

Find Kayla on

IG: @therapy.with.kayla

TikTok: therapy.with.kayla

YouTube: The Modern Mom's Roadmap to Balance Podcast

Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com

Free Consultation: Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.

Transcript

kayla_1_05-15-2025_115717: 1:03

Hello everyone and welcome back to the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast. I'm your host, Kayla Nettleton, and we're continuing on our special series of Love After Kids. I've been loving the series and being able to talk more specifically about relationships and marriage and things that come up when you've been in a long-term relationship and commitment. And recently A lot of the shows that I've been watching have been on relationships and I've been digging more into, forums, so like Reddit and looking into all of these like questions that people are putting out there about relationships. And one of the things that blows my mind is our hesitation to communicate things that should be communicated. the other thing too is I also will see a lot of people, especially in the Reddit forums, is basically like, well, if they're doing it to you, you need to do it to them back. And I promise you that is not the way to go on things. if anything, that is really just gonna make things worse. And I know like what I was saying a minute ago of how we're not communicating things that need to be communicated. I know part of that is a lot of us were one, not taught maybe how to have these conversations. And two, sometimes we have tried communicating things in the past and it really wasn't taken very well. And it can be scary to try and have those. Conversations again in a different way, or maybe you just don't know a different way to have those conversations. So the shows that I like recently watched and have been watching, currently watched and haven't finished yet, but I recently watched. Dying for sex, which is such a great show. So if you are someone who is not, so what's coming to my mind is like, if you're not a prude, if you're not scared to, watch sexual interactions during a TV show, definitely go watch the show. There's so many things that come up on this show that. Aren't always talked about or there's a lot of really great examples for boundaries and what, setting the boundary looks like, what not setting boundaries can look like. What giving yourself space for sexual interaction and exploration can look like for you. it's also has a lot of great, Examples of what can happen when we're keeping things to ourself and when we don't bring certain things to light. And so like that's a really great show. It's also a really great show that highlights what a deep friendship can look like. the other things that I noticed in that show too was they did an excellent job of. Portraying consent and what that looks like. it was also a really great example of what healing your inner child can look like. and it's also done a really great job of why it can be really difficult. For people to talk about sex and sexual relationships, even within a marriage. And so, this show isn't necessarily about this woman and her marriage, it's really about her self-exploration, and that includes sex. So if, if that's not something that you are interested in seeing, don't watch that one. But I would highly, highly. Recommend everybody to watch the Four Seasons on Netflix because there is so many examples in there that we could totally dissect and dive into. But I really don't want to like give any spoilers. I'm only halfway through and The other thing that I really loved about them is there was only eight episodes and they were 30 minute long episodes. So you could definitely binge watch these. The Four Seasons is something you can watch while kids are around dying for sex. Definitely do not watch with kids around if you're not getting it with the title. Like there are lots of sex scenes in here, but excellent, excellent show. but yes, I would highly recommend y'all watch the Four Seasons and I'll probably even have a whole episode dedicated to the Four Seasons because there is so much to unpack here with regards to all of the couples. Within that show and yeah, so I think, Tina Faye is the person who, produced, created this show. it's excellent. I love it. so while watching these shows, one of the things that was coming up for me the most was how we don't like to bring things up, or we're scared to bring things up and. what also came to my mind was how Thumper from Bambi, the movie Bambi, the Disney movie. I think it's Disney, Bambi. Like that quote of, if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. I think that quote ruined us because it is telling us to just keep your mouth shut and don't say anything. Unless it's nice, right? But what it should really be, and when we're talking about relationships in our marriage, it really should be. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all in that moment. The moment matters. So if something is bothering you, you don't have to. Come at it with criticism. So that's like, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Like you don't have to say it in a criticizing way, but you need to bring it up. It's when we are not bringing these things up, when we're bottling them up or pushing them away or trying to ignore it, that they really can eat. Add our connection and create more disconnection within your marriage, within your relationship. So I'm gonna say it again, like the moment matters. If something is bothering you or something isn't sitting with you, well you need to bring that up. So I'm trying to think of an example right now. in both of the episodes, and this isn't quite like a spoiler, I guess, like someone takes on a role of caretaker, like someone got sick and then their partner ended up being their caretaker. Well, one of the partners is getting frustrated because they don't feel like they can do anything on their own. but no one is saying anything. The person who is being cared for is not bringing this up with their husband of like how they're feeling in this role, and they're just holding it back. But what's happening is it, it's building resentment within that partnership and for the other person who has taken the caretaker role, they're feeling like. they're not appreciated when what's really going on is they're so worried that something might happen to their partner and they're doing everything they can to keep them safe and healthy and having them remember to take their medications and all of the things, but they're also not bringing up that concern. Like that piece matters. They don't want to. Be bossing, their partner around, like when you're in a caretaker role, you don't really wanna be doing those things. You don't want to have this motherly role, but you can sometimes fall into it when what really needs to be said is how you're feeling in those moments. So. This person is likely really scared that if they don't remind their partner to take their medication, they're not gonna remember. And maybe they'll die because they missed the medications. those pieces are really important for us to know. And it's those things that vulnerability, and I know vulnerability can be really scary. It's that vulnerability that really. It helps reinforce that connection that you do have. It allows your partner to come inside into your world and know like what is going on for you in these moments. So for the other person who is being taken care of, They're probably feeling trapped, like, I don't know, right? Like I, I don't know them. they're probably feeling trapped and like they have no control of their life and they're resenting their partner for that because they want to have more control. It's their life and they wanna live it in the way they wanna live it. But they're not bringing that stuff up. They're not bringing up how they're feeling trapped, how they're feeling. Maybe like being put in this child's role. And so communication is so important. It's not the only thing that matters within a relationship, but part of it is what helps. So like if you don't have the right ways of communicating, the other pieces are going to be harder to build up. Because if you are not communicating in the right way, where your partner's understanding you, where you feel like they understand you, where you feel like you're being heard and seen, and vice versa, like the other way around, then it's going to be harder to open up and bring these things up. If you don't wanna tell your part of things, because every time you do, they make it about them or they just criticize you or they make up excuses like, that's not helpful. That really is only gonna make you want to bring things up less, right? So to have these communication skills on top of being able to. Create a deeper connection within your marriage and actually feel like you're doing this together and not just two people living life alone. Right? It's the power of communication that helps those things feel a lot easier. And one of the things I really wanted to talk about. Was criticism, sometimes we really don't know any other way, but to criticize someone or we're not maybe doing it intentionally, but to say things like calling your partner lazy. Like, oh, you were just lazy because you never helped me with the laundry. Or, you know, the dishes, that's not gonna help them. Support you. Like you calling them lazy, like that's, that's not gonna help. so I was reading this one post in Reddit where, the wife's husband, told a story about birth and how she like pooped on the table, and she was really embarrassed, but she didn't really tell that to her husband. Instead, she had made the comment of like, you need to act like you're mature enough to be a dad. So basically she's telling him like, you are not even mature enough to be a dad. Like, that hurts that comment. Isn't going to make him not tell these stories. I don't know how she told him, right? I don't know how she told him in that scenario, but like you are not mature enough to be a dad, or you are not mature enough to be a mom no one wants to hear that. So in this scenario, this woman had pooped on the table during childbirth, which happens a lot. I think it's like a 75% chance if that might happen. But no one wants to know, like no one knows really, unless, you know, I guess no one talks about it or brings it up. So when her husband brought it up to her brothers who had directly asked, that's really also a hard. Question to avoid when someone like Point Blank asks you, um, instead of telling him like, Hey, I was really embarrassed about that conversation that you had with your brothers. I really don't want you to answer questions like that anymore because it was not fun for me. Instead of having that conversation, it was, you're not even mature enough to be a dad. And so. We're human. I know that. I hope you know that we're gonna make mistakes. Criticism might happen, but if this is happening very often, all of the time, in almost every fight, that is not gonna help. Y'all aren't gonna get anywhere with that. And so instead of criticizing your partner what you wanna do. Is talk about what it is that you need, because that's really what is happening when we're using criticism. It's a need has gone missing. Like for this woman, she needed to feel safe that her husband wasn't gonna bring up these embarrassing moments that she didn't even wanna know herself happened. It was a safety thing for her feeling safe that there's going to be conversations or things within their marriage that isn't going to be told to anyone else, and maybe they didn't have that conversation. Maybe she thought like this was something very obvious that he should have never talked about. But not everything is. Obvious to people, like it may be obvious to you. so instead of using criticism, talk about what it is that you are needing, and if you are struggling with identifying what those things are that you're needing, I created a free guide to help you figure those things out. And we'll link it here in the show notes. And I titled it The 15 needs your partner probably needs but isn't saying out loud. And although I titled it about your partner, this guide is really about exploring what those needs are for you and how you can one, identify them and then be able to brainstorm like what are actual tangible. Examples of this need for you, because we can have the same need. we can need to feel loved or we can need to feel desired and wanted. We can need to feel safe, but what does that look like for us? Right? Like what does that look like for you? Because it's probably going to look different than it does for your best friend than it does for your husband, than it does for your sister. we can have the same needs, but it doesn't mean they're going to be met in the same way. And so that is what this guide is going to help you through. but reminder. It's not about if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It's more of if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything in that moment. Give yourself some space to collect your thoughts and then bring it up. Okay, well, I hope you enjoyed this episode. If this was something that you found helpful, please go ahead and send it to a friend who needs to hear this, and don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and I will talk to you next week.