Episode 74: Is Couples Therapy Right for You? Here’s How to Know

Not sure if now’s the right time to start couples therapy? In this episode, Kayla breaks down why couples often wait too long—and why waiting could cost you more than you think.

💬 In this episode, we’ll talk about:

• Why couples therapy isn’t just for people on the verge of divorce.
• What the research says about how long couples wait to get support.
• How early therapy can prevent resentment from building.
• What good couples therapy actually looks like (and how it shouldn’t feel).
• A fitness analogy that will totally change how you view relationship help.

Whether you're feeling a little disconnected or completely stuck, this episode will help you take the first step.

Helpful Links:

TikTok video mentioned in this episode. 

Thank you so much for joining me this week on today's episode. Be sure to follow me on IG @therapy.with.kayla

I love hearing about your insights and aha! moments from the show. 

About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a TX-based licensed therapist, business owner, and mom of 3.

In her private practice, Kayla helps women break free from cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Her holistic approach guides clients toward authentic, fulfilling lives by reconnecting with their intuition, setting boundaries, and building confidence.

Kayla also works with couples, especially parents balancing marriage and family. She offers both traditional couples therapy and focused intensives (6 to 18 hours) to help partners address key issues like communication, trust, and intimacy.

Through empathy and effective therapeutic tools, Kayla helps couples reconnect, thrive, and create healthier, more supportive relationships. Her practice transforms self-doubt and disconnection into growth, healing, and lasting change.

Find Kayla on

IG: @therapy.with.kayla

TikTok: therapy.with.kayla

YouTube: The Modern Mom's Roadmap to Balance Podcast

Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com

Free Consultation: Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.

Transcript

squadcaster-e1d2_1_05-08-2025_110120: 1:04

Hello. Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Modern Moms Roadmaps Balance Podcast. I'm your host, Kayla Nettleton, and we're continuing on our journey with a special series of love after kids. So thank you so much for being here, and if you're watching on YouTube, I know that there has been a lot of differences in the background. You've gotten this probably green background with not the greatest lighting. And then you've gotten me in my daughter's room with toys and stuff in the background, and we're back in our green room, which is my office. And I just love this color, but I did not think about the lighting issue that we would have. But with the changes in the time, the sun is out earlier, which means the lighting is really good in this room now and. I am like seeing the glare in my glasses, but it's whatever. We're just gonna move on. It's not bothering me. I hope it doesn't bother you, but let's get into it. I know that with this new series of love After Kids, I have been talking, let me open the door for my dog because she's just gonna keep scratching at the door and I don't want y'all to hear that. So let me go and do that really quick and I will be right back. I think that is definitely gonna be the downside because when she's done, she's gonna come back and scratch at the door again. But hopefully she'll just be okay outside. And so With bringing in this new series, I have been talking a lot about couples therapy and I had a thought that maybe some of y'all might be thinking, how do I know when the right time it is to go to couples therapy? And what I have to say to that is, if you were thinking about it, it's the right time. A lot of people think couples therapy is just for people who are like really. In the weeds with their marriage or really having a hard time or there's been infidelity, or the fights are just getting outta hand. But honestly that is waiting way too long. And according to the internet, uh, I mean I've had good sources. I just can't think of a specific source off the top of my head, but there's a lot of research out there that shows that couples wait six. Years before they go and seek help with a couple's therapist. Six years. Six years of sitting in the hurt, sitting in all of the hardship, sitting in the loneliness, and sitting in just not feeling heard, not feeling seen. And I don't want that for you. So If you're currently thinking about like is couples therapy the right option for us right now? It's probably the right option. And the other reason I say that is when things aren't going very well in the beginning, it is so much easier to. Get over that struggle, or I don't like saying like, fix the issue, but to work on that issue, to manage it, to get through it, it's so much easier to do that in the beginning when things are just starting than to let a bunch of stuff pile up over months, years. It's so much harder to get back to being connected and trust in each other again when you've waited for so long. Couples therapy should not be a last resort. Many people use it as a last resort, but that's not what it should be used for. I want you to think of couples therapy as like working with a trainer. I feel like physical training and fitness coaches, people feel totally okay talking about that, but when it comes to. Going to therapy and working on their marriage. That's a little bit taboo, but I want you to think about it as the same thing, right? So like if you are trying to hit specific goals within your fitness journey, you are probably going to hire a coach. Or maybe you're going to try an app that has a coach built in. But I mean, looking at it, you are working with someone who is going to give you. Guidance and step-by-step instructions on how to meet that goal. So if you have goals to be more connected with your partner, to have better communication, to want to feel understood and seen, those are goals that you can work through in therapy with a therapist. And you're gonna meet your goals a lot quicker than if you're trying to do this on your own. I mean, sure. Going back to our fitness journey example. Yeah. There are people who can figure it out on their own and who can do it on their own, but not everyone works well that way. And when it comes to your marriage, if you're having struggles and you are trying to. Work this problem on your own. Oftentimes it's gonna be really difficult for you to figure it out because there's going to be a lot of patterns that you might not see that a therapist is going to be able to catch for you. And there goes, my dog, let me go with the dorm. Her, just let her in so that we're not disturbed again. And I'm back. Okay. So there can be these patterns that your therapist will likely be able to catch before you can spot these things for yourself, and noticing these patterns. Is going to be so helpful in creating better habits for yourself, because a lot of the times when we're trying to create better habits, within our communication style and how we speak to our partner, how we speak about ourselves and speak to ourselves when we're trying to build those habits in the beginning, it is difficult to do that if you're unaware of these patterns. That are happening for you, that are often learned from experiences through childhood in the relationships that you saw, the relationships that you had and how people were in relationship with you, whether that was your parents or your guardians, or just different family members and friends. You take those patterns and you continue those into adulthood if you are unaware or if you don't know what else to do or ways to do things better. So again, if you are thinking like, I don't know if this is the right time for me, it probably is the right time for you. and the other thing is. If you are still unsure, there is no harm in having a consultation with a therapist to chat about, if they have thoughts on whether this is the right time for you, because they'll be able to tell you. And I encourage you to have consultations with therapists so that you can find the therapist that is the right fit for you and your partner. And that brings me. To the other thoughts that I had So earlier this week I had posted a video on TikTok. And in that video there is text on the screen that reads, I'm a couple's therapist. Tell me the most unhelpful slash unhinged marriage advice that anyone has ever given you. Then on another line, I put bonus points if it was a therapist and there was an overwhelming amount of people who talked about how They had at one point been in couples therapy and they felt. Attacked or singled out by their therapist. And when it comes to couples therapy, it is very different from individual therapy because that therapist has to hold space for two people, at least two people, right? And they have to be able to support the marriage as a unit. I think I've talked about this in another episode, but like you have, one partner and then you have the other partner, and then it's the marriage. So the therapist is there to support the marriage and if you are in couples therapy and you feel like therapist is taking sides with someone That shouldn't happen. You shouldn't feel ganged up upon in couples therapy and you shouldn't feel attacked. And if something happens and you do take it in that way, I would hope that you would have a relationship with your therapist or you felt comfortable enough bringing that up. So for example, when I'm working with a couple, that is a question that I am continuously asking and not just to gauge where people are at, but I'm also teaching you how to listen to the things that are coming up for you because that's also important for moving forward and learning healthy skills within your marriage. So if you cannot. Notice what's coming up for you and you just notice that you are becoming angry. That's a good start. But it's not all helpful. I want you to be able to voice, Hey, I felt like you taking, her side or his side, and it left me feeling unheard. Like, that's what I want you to be able to learn. So if you cannot bring that up with your therapist, that therapist is probably not a good fit for you. That might be a sign that you need to break up with your couple's therapist because if you cannot bring those things up, then you're not going to be able to move forward as quickly or maybe even ever with that therapist. So I really wanted. To highlight some of this so that if you decide that you wanna have couples therapy and you find a therapist near you or that you wanna work with, I want you to be aware of like, what should and should not be happening. You should feel supported to bring things up in your sessions and I'm not saying that they should not call you out. No, I'm not saying that because I call my clients out. I will call them out or point out when they're doing things or saying things that are not helpful or healthy. And what I will do is I will help them to be able to find the words, find the right phrasing. That is going to be more helpful for them for the point or whatever it is that they're trying to bring across. So if I was not calling that out, that would mean I am just having you hash things out in your own way in the therapy session, and that's not helpful either. couples therapy should not be a place where you just come and you're venting. Or you just come and you are just rehashing all these arguments over and over again. That's not helpful. Okay. that is not what couples therapy is like. Couples therapy is a place where you come to find the guidance and are given the tools and support in learning new ways to be in partnership and relationship and learning new ways to. Communicate things that maybe you've never communicated before. I got really distracted in that moment because I saw a hummingbird outside. Um, sorry. So going back, couples therapy is a place where you should feel supported to bring some of these hard things up, and sometimes you're gonna start really small and being able to recognize things that are coming up for you in different moments. Your partner's gonna learn these things too. And when you're learning those things together, it's easier to be on the same page than you trying to do this all on your own, or y'all trying to kind of like di DIY your own couples therapy on your own. Because again, there's. So much stuff out there that you could get lost in all of the information. So couples therapy is also a way to be able to move through these struggles a lot quicker. Okay, so if you have any questions about anything that I brought up today, or if you feel more empowered to find a couple therapist, I am accepting new clients in Texas. So whether you. Live in Texas, or you wanna drive to Texas and have a couple's therapy intensive with me, that is absolutely something that we can do. Or if you want just support in finding a couple's therapist in your state, go ahead and send me an email or. Comment below and I will, point you in the right direction. And if you felt like this was helpful, be sure to subscribe to the podcast wherever you're listening. And, I'd love for you to leave a review. So that is all for today, and thank you so much for listening, and I will talk to you next week.