Episode 73: How Unrealistic Relationship Expectations Set Us Up to Feel Disconnected

Ever find yourself wondering why your relationship doesn’t feel like what you imagined? Maybe it's not your partner or even your marriage—it might just be the expectations you’ve been holding onto.

In this episode, we dive into the sneaky ways unrealistic relationship expectations (thanks, rom-coms and social media!) can leave you feeling disconnected, disappointed, and unsure where to go next.

Here’s what we’ll explore:

• Why it’s so easy to expect more than we can name.
• How childhood, culture, and comparison shape our views of love.
• A simple tool you can use weekly to build real, sustainable connection.

If you’ve ever thought, “Shouldn’t it be easier than this?”—this episode is for you.

Helpful Links:

15 Emotional Needs Your Partner May Have, But Doesn't Know How to Say Out Loud Exercise (Questionnaire worksheet mentioned in this episode)

Thank you so much for joining me this week on today's episode. Be sure to follow me on IG @therapy.with.kayla

I love hearing about your insights and aha! moments from the show. 

About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a TX-based licensed therapist, business owner, and mom of 3.

In her private practice, Kayla helps women break free from cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Her holistic approach guides clients toward authentic, fulfilling lives by reconnecting with their intuition, setting boundaries, and building confidence.

Kayla also works with couples, especially parents balancing marriage and family. She offers both traditional couples therapy and focused intensives (6 to 18 hours) to help partners address key issues like communication, trust, and intimacy.

Through empathy and effective therapeutic tools, Kayla helps couples reconnect, thrive, and create healthier, more supportive relationships. Her practice transforms self-doubt and disconnection into growth, healing, and lasting change.

Find Kayla on

IG: @therapy.with.kayla

TikTok: therapy.with.kayla

YouTube: The Modern Mom's Roadmap to Balance Podcast

Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com

Free Consultation: Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.

Transcript

kayla_1_05-01-2025_131913: 1:03

Hey everyone, and welcome back to the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast with our special series Love After Kids. I'm your host, Kayla Nettleton, and today I really just wanted to give you a note of encouragement because relationships and marriage are hard. It just is, and we're all trying to figure out what works for us as we go along. Most of us don't really know what it is that I wanna say, like what it is that we want in a relationship. That doesn't sound right, but I feel like at the same time it is because I think a lot of what we focus on is kind of surface. Like I think people will say, well, I wanna feel good in this relationship, or I want to have trust in my relationship. And sure you can name those things, but. When we get down to it, I don't think people really even know what that means for them. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and I was telling her how a lot of the experiences that I've had in life didn't always meet up to the expectation that I had of what that experience would be like high school and college, and. Even when I was shopping for my wedding dress, those experiences didn't quite meet the level of expectation that I had. But the problem was, is a lot of the expectation that I had for these experiences came from what I saw on tv. And as I was telling her this, I was like, and for some reason, I'm just now putting this all together, that. That's why my experiences didn't feel like they hit the mark. It's because I wasn't feeling what I thought I would feel when I saw these characters going through these experiences. And this could happen too with our relationships and our marriages. When we see marriages and relationships on TV or in movies, a lot of the times we're seeing. Just the surface stuff or the big stuff, we're not really seeing how they get through those tough moments. We're seeing the tough moments happen and then we're seeing it just get better and it seems like it was easy for them. So you might look at that and think, why can they do it and not us? Something must be wrong with us or something must be wrong with me, but I'm here to tell you that there isn't necessarily something wrong with you. You just probably haven't figured out how to recognize what it is that you really need and want from your marriage, from your relationship. I mean, we've been thinking about myself. I kind of had an idea of what I wanted in a relationship. Like I wanted, I mean, I say right, I wanted partnership and I wanted to be able to do things together. I wanted to feel good in the relationship. I laughing because it's like, oh, that's what I said at the beginning. I wanna feel good. I want to feel loved. But it's like, okay, well what things make me feel good? Like what things or like what is it that my partner does that does show me love? And I didn't really know that because for one, I was so focused on my on school and my career that when it came to relationships I was like, oh, well, we'll figure that out. Or I'll just know because that's another thing you hear is you just know. But the truth is you don't just know. Those are things you have to really think about. For yourself and then talk about together as a couple. And I know that can seem really scary. It's like, sure, we can have this sit out conversation, but what does that even look like, right? Like if we were to sit down and kind of start to talk about what it is that we need and want from our relationship, that can feel really scary because that can almost put you in a bad situation if you first don't really know how to have those conversations without one becoming defensive and. Two, maybe taking things too personally as your partner is trying to explain their perspective, and so that can be a recipe for a disaster. So one thing that I will give my clients to practice is a couple's check-in and it's really just five questions to go through together That's more from a positive side. So for example, one of'em is like. What is one thing I can do to support you this week? because if we come from it from the other side of like, what is it that you need me to stop doing, right? It's almost like, tell me all the things that are wrong with me. Let me catch you in this trap. And I know that's not what you are trying to do, but it can set someone up for failure and for like a not good conversation. So. The questions are more like, what is one thing that I can do this week to support you? And when you have something that you can follow and know what you wanna say, and then practicing this on a weekly basis, you're gonna set yourself up more for success, and you're gonna start connecting in a way that you've maybe never connected before. And that's usually the first step in. Building trust and starting to open up to your partner in ways that maybe you haven't done in a really long time. Because what we also forget is all of these things require practice and continual practice. Sure. Maybe you were an open book when y'all first met. Maybe it was easy to talk about these things when y'all were first dating and exploring, but at one point. Life maybe just caught up with you or maybe you had kids. And now those questions and that curiosity isn't there like it used to be, and now it feels harder. And you might even be thinking like, well, does this mean that I'm falling out of love? Does this mean that we're not meant to be together? And the truth is that's not necessarily the case. What likely is going on is for you, you probably. Don't recognize what it is that you need or you're wanting out of a relationship and a partnership, and taking some time to think through that and reflect on it and being able to do that and thinking about maybe partnerships that you've seen, even if it was from tv, and being able to write that down and then think about, well, what would this look like realistically? for example, say there was a couple on TV and you're like, I love their relationship. what does that look like realistically? And so as I'm thinking about this, I'm gonna create some questions that you can ask yourself to further pinpoint like what it is that you need in a relationship, what it is that you're wanting from your partnership or from your marriage, and how do you want that to look like? Why is this important to you? Right? So we're talking about values, like why is this important to you? How does this make you feel closer and more connected? So I will definitely create that hopefully, and get that linked to this episode. And that's really the reminder that I wanted to give you today was, you know, we're all trying to figure out how to make. Our marriage worked for us because a lot of us didn't have the greatest maybe role models. And even if you did, sometimes you didn't even know how they were able to have such a healthy relationship because maybe the way they interacted with each other or the ways that they were connecting with each other happened behind closed doors. And so even if you did come from a family. Who's really healthy and have a really great marriage, that doesn't necessarily guarantee that you are going to do the same. So I don't want you to think like, oh, well there's something wrong with me because I haven't been able to figure this out. it is really about like learning this for yourself, relationships and marriage. It's all a learning process. We're all doing this together, so don't give up help. Don't feel like you're doomed because likely you're not. And I don't know if you've heard of Reddit, but it's a forum where people go and post questions. And I know I mentioned this before, but last year and early this year. I had a segment on a local radio show, and I had so much fun doing that and being able to answer everyone's questions. And so I had the idea of going on Reddit looking for some questions that people were putting or relationship advice or marriage advice. So I'm going to start. Sifting through those and choosing some to talk about on the podcast. And if you think this is a great idea, I would love to hear your feedback on that. Or if you've seen some questions that you think like, oh my God, I would love to hear her perspective on this, definitely send that in to me. Or if you have your own question that you want me to answer, definitely send that in to kayla@kaylanettleton.com and you can just title the subject question or Reddit, because I'm definitely gonna start doing that. I want to go back and have that feel of being on the radio show again. It was so much fun and I love being able to answer those questions, especially the ones that are really common or that I even see with the couples that I work with in session. So I hope that you just feel encouraged today and hopeful and know that just because you're going through a tough season in your marriage or your relationship doesn't mean it has to be the end, especially if you are both wanting this to work out. And, I hope you have a great rest of your week.