The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Is it really possible to find balance as a mom? Each week, I'll be bringing you inspiring chats, interviews, and dialogues all based around helping moms like you unlock their potential and lead the balanced life they want. If you enjoy listening to topics that help you lead a more balanced life, then you've come to the right place. I'm obsessed with helping moms lead the life they want without the guilt.
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The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Episode 71: Burnt Out and Resentful? It Might Be Weaponized Incompetence
If you’ve ever been told, “I’m just not good at that,” when asking your partner to help around the house—this episode is for you. In this solo episode of the Love After Kids series, host Kayla Nettleton gets real about a topic that’s been buzzing online and showing up quietly in marriages everywhere: weaponized incompetence. What started as a playful reel on Instagram quickly turned into a deeper conversation when followers pointed out how common—and harmful—this dynamic really is. We’re digging into weaponized incompetence—what it looks like, why it happens (spoiler: it’s not always intentional), and how it chips away at trust and connection in relationships.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
- What weaponized incompetence really is (and isn’t).
- Why it often leads to resentment and disconnection.
- How to start setting boundaries and having honest conversations without sparking defensiveness.
- Real-life examples of how this dynamic shows up in marriage.
✨ Whether you’re a mom doing everything or a therapist supporting couples, this conversation is a must-listen.
Helpful Links:
IG Reel and TikTok mentioned in this episode:
Thank you so much for joining me this week on today's episode. Be sure to follow me on IG @therapy.with.kayla
I love hearing about your insights and aha! moments from the show.
About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed TX-based therapist, business owner, mom of 3, and marketing coach for therapists.
In her private practice, Kayla helps women break free from cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Her holistic approach guides clients toward authentic, fulfilling lives by reconnecting with their intuition, setting boundaries, and building confidence.
Kayla also works with couples, especially parents balancing marriage and family. She offers both traditional couples therapy and focused intensives (6 to 18 hours) to help partners address key issues like communication, trust, and intimacy.
Through empathy and effective therapeutic tools, Kayla helps couples reconnect, thrive, and create healthier, more supportive relationships—benefiting the entire family. Her practice transforms self-doubt and disconnection into growth, healing, and lasting change.
Find Kayla on IG: @therapy.with.kayla
Find Kayla on TikTok: therapy.with.kayla
Find Kayla On YouTube: The Modern Mom's Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com
Free Consultation: Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation ...
Hello. Hello everyone and welcome back to the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast. We are continuing with our series Love After Kids, my name is Kayla Nettleton, and I'm your host. So we're just gonna get straight on into it today because a few weeks ago I posted a reel on Instagram and what I was trying to do with the reel was showcase how miscommunication can easily happen. I. And we'll link that reel in the show notes so you can watch it. But what I was doing in the reel is I was acting as myself, and then I was acting as my husband. I was pretending to cook food on the stove, and my husband walks in and basically is asking me where his red shirt is. Then pretending to be my husband looking for this red shirt in the laundry room, whereas I am myself in the kitchen and he's yelling like, Hey babe, where's my red shirt? I can't find it. And then I am yelling back. it's on the dryer. But he is actively looking. I'm pretending to be him, so this is why I can say what he is doing. He's actively looking for the red shirt, looking in the laundry hamper, looking in the dryer as I'm yelling. It's on top of the dryer. I'm in this reel trying to showcase the miscommunication here, right? Like I'm in the kitchen and he's all the way in the. Laundry room and we're kind of yelling back and forth to each other like, I don't know where it is, right? And where is it? and I'm saying it's on the dryer, but he is not really hearing me, is what I'm trying to portray. And he can't find the shirt in the video. If you're watching you, can see the shirt. It's on top of the dryer. so as a viewer. it's easy for you to spot because you can hear me clearly. I was trying to portray that he could not hear me clearly, which was part of the miscommunication piece here. And I posted this on Instagram and I also posted it on TikTok. And in both platforms I got someone who said that this was weaponized incompetence. Have you ever heard of weaponized incompetence? And if you haven't, that is what we're talking about today. We're talking about weaponized incompetence because I wanted to, clear up what weaponized incompetence was because in that video, what I was portraying, it wasn't, and the reason it wasn't was because I was portraying my husband to actively be looking for that red shirt that he just kept missing one, because he really wasn't hearing what I was saying. And two, sometimes we cannot see what is right in front of our face. I mean, it's happened to me too. So what is weaponized incompetence? a simple definition of weaponized incompetence is when one partner pretends not to know how to do something or does it poorly so they won't be asked again. Okay. I'm gonna say that again. It's when one person pretends not to know how to do something or does it poorly so they won't be asked again. So some examples of this might look like if my husband really was looking for his shirt and I said, is in the laundry room on top of the dryer, and he just walks into the laundry room and then walks out without actually looking. And tells me, Hey, I can't find it. Can you go get it for me? that is more of an example of weaponizing competence. Another example could look like you asking your husband or you asking your wife to, I'm just gonna keep it with husband because I know it's mostly moms who listen to the show and I'm talking to y'all. so you ask your husband, Hey, can you cook? Spaghetti tonight for dinner. And then he goes, oh honey, but I love the way you cook spaghetti. Your spaghetti is so much better than mine and if I do it, I'm just not gonna do it justice. That's another form of weaponized in confidence and then again, I'm trying to think of different examples, but laundry keeps coming up because that's top of mind. So say you have your husband do the laundry and he. purposefully doesn't sort anything, just throws everything in the laundry and then all of a sudden you have pink socks that used to be white, right? Weaponized incompetence. They are trying to get out of doing something, or they don't want you to ask them to do things. So here's the thing, It's not always intentional. Okay? And we'll get to that in a minute, but I don't want you to start getting heated right now and thinking about all the ways that your husband is just trying to manipulate you. That's not the point of today because some of this is learned behavior. But why does weaponized incompetence hurt relationships? The reason that it does is because usually when this is happening, there was one person that is then carrying more of the load. They're doing more of the household work, they're doing more of the things that have to be done, even maybe with the kids or Not just managing the household, but also thinking about all of the things in terms of keeping track of birthdays and buying gifts for the birthday parties that you attend. Sending thank you cards. Keeping up with the school calendar. All of those things end up falling on one person or one person is doing a majority of the thing, which can really hurt the connection that you have within the relationship, and this can create resentment. One partner feels like they're carrying the mental and emotional load alone. They're going to become resentful of the other person. This is going to hurt trust. The person who is doing more of the work is gonna feel like they can't trust their partner to do these things, which then leads them to wanna do even more work. And it becomes this endless cycle that really is hurting one person. Well, it's hurting one person, but it's also hurting your marriage and it fuels burnout. And often moms are already doing so much. This dynamic can quietly and reinforce the unequal labor within the household. And like I've been saying, this really kills intimacy. So when one person is doing most of the work, most of managing the household, it feels one-sided and that creates distance. No one wants to feel like they're doing it all on their own. No one wants to feel completely alone in the relationship. And I've been there too. I did this myself. I would pick up the slack. Because I thought that if I asked for help, then help wouldn't happen or it wouldn't happen the way that I wanted it to happen. And so the other way that this can creep up is. It can feel like it's easier to just do everything on your own because your partner is unwilling or does it maybe in a ridiculous way, or they're not doing it the right way. Sometimes it's maybe not the right way, but sometimes it's not the way that you would do it, so you have to pay attention to that. Okay, so. Why does this happen? So kind of going back to what I was saying earlier, that this is not always intentional or it's not always meant to be in a mean or malicious way. Sometimes this is just what they learned to do. It was modeled to them and they learned that if they're just helpless, that task will be done for them or someone else will end up doing it. It could also be how they grew up, right? So thinking about your family of origin and your parents' family of origin. So their parents and what they modeled to them and what they saw. Right? So sometimes this is What they viewed in terms of the family dynamic. What was their mom in charge of? What did they do versus what their father did? and for you too, thinking about the roles that your parents played and. How that dynamic was within their marriage, because those are the patterns that we eventually fall into. So if you saw your mom picking up all the slack for your dad, that's what you're gonna do because that's what you know, and vice versa. That's what your husband's going to do. They're going to do what they saw their parents do. So if they came from a household where their mother did mostly everything and their father maybe went to work and then came home and was able to relax, that's what they're gonna do too. But you might not wanna live like that. And so when you think about that, you are each playing by two different rule books, right? Your families and his families. You wanna create your own rule book, well, let's not even call it a rule book. Let's call it a playbook. You wanna create your own playbook of how y'all want your household to run, but also recognizing that you're going to kind of fall back into your patterns and you have to be able to keep each other accountable. And one thing that I also wanna point out is. Sometimes we allow weaponizing incompetence to happen because one, we didn't even know what it was, right? So if this is the first time you're hearing weaponizing incompetence, you may have unintentionally be reinforcing this type of behavior. So going back to some of those examples. using the spaghetti one. So you asked your husband to cook spaghetti, and he's like, oh honey, but your spaghetti is so good, and I absolutely love it, and the kids love it. I don't know if they're gonna like the one I make and then it might be a disaster. So if that is happening for you, one thing you can do is say it's okay. You know? I know that you love my spaghetti, but I really need your help right now, and that is what was planned for dinner. If you wanna do something else with the Grammy noodles, that's totally okay, but I really need your help today and this is not going to feel natural for you, and I totally get it. I had to fight myself, and I sometimes still fight myself to ask for help and receive the help. And not allow something like that to stop me from getting the help that I needed. so, let me see. I wanna think of some other examples okay, so like say folding laundry, like, Hey honey, can you fold the laundry? And maybe he will go like, oh, well, I mean, I don't really know where everything goes and I know that you like. Everything to kind of be folded a certain way and for it to go in a certain spot, right? And so you might be thinking, well, yeah, you're right. I do want it to be folded a certain way, and I do have a place for everything. But instead of you continuing to fold the laundry and you need help today, in this moment. You can maybe let it go for today. Say, you know what, it's fine. Just fold the laundry and put it away wherever you think it should go and that's okay. Like I know you don't know where everything goes, but if you can kind of figure it out, that would be helpful because I'm feeling really overwhelmed today and this is the one thing I want you to help me with. so this actually happened to us this weekend where usually on Saturdays I'm doing laundry and my husband will go to the ranch and do his thing there. and on Sundays we'll usually maybe do something together as a family, because. I have more time on Sunday. I've already done the laundry. Well, I had unintentionally started also going to the grocery store when that used to be my husband's thing to do. And part of that was when I was doing a challenge where I was trying to get certain steps in. I was like, oh, well I'm gonna get my steps in and I don't wanna just like do it on the treadmill. I will go into the grocery store. Right. And so this weekend was really clear that I don't have to do the groceries anymore, but I was still doing the groceries and so this weekend on Saturday, we went to, or it wasn't this weekend now that you're listening to, it was a few weekends ago when this recording will come out, but we went to my mother-in-law's for an early Easter, which meant I went to the ranch with my husband and then we did. Easter stuff with his family, and we came back later that evening, so that meant I couldn't do laundry on Saturday, so my laundry was Sunday. So instead of trying to just figure it out and do it myself, I started the loads of laundry. And when we were eating breakfast, I asked my husband if he could do the grocery shopping. Today while I get caught up with the laundry. And he did. And he took both the little ones, which made it super easy for me to get the laundry done and everything folded without anyone jumping on the bed and messing up my piles And. I hate taking the kids to the grocery store. So I was super grateful that he did because I would never, I would never take them both to the grocery store, I guess, like if I had to. Sure. But that is not something that I would choose. So he was up for taking them both, which was awesome. And he came back after that. And then we ended up doing my daughter's science fair project. We were able to hang out outside as a family for a few hours. And we even got to watch a movie that evening. and I remember like telling him that night, I was like, you know what? This was a really good day. You need to continue going to the grocery store because that saved us so much time and we were able to spend more time as a family together. And he was like, yeah, no problem. sure he was a little annoyed with the kids, right. But he was like, They did way better than I expected.'cause they're a 3-year-old and a five-year-old. Right? You can imagine everyone's wanting to ask for something and then you have all the seasonal Easter stuff out. So that's even more things for them to get. Distracted by? So weaponized and incompetence sometimes. We are unintentionally allowing our husbands to use that against us, but we don't have to let them do that. So now what do you do about it? Right. So one way is, is you can call it out. And I'm not saying tell him you're using weaponized incompetence. calling it out can also be encouraging them that although this isn't something that they regularly do, that you're confident that this is something that they can do and if they need help they can ask you and you will gladly help them so that maybe this is something they can continue helping you with in the future. Right. another way you can call it out is even say like, Hey, when you say you're not good at this, it feels like I am being left to figure it out all on my own and I'm already overwhelmed. So how can we figure out how to, do this together? Like I am totally okay with showing you, the way that I do it, and you can do it the way that I do it, or you can do it a way that you've learned or maybe find something on YouTube that is easier for you. That's totally fine, but I really need your help and we need to be able to do this together. So that's another way of calling it out. another thing that you can do about it is have a whole big conversation about it, talk about the responsibilities. That you've been doing and exhausted now and want there to be more shared responsibility within the household. And try your best not to criticize your partner. And what I mean by that is don't say that they're just lazy or that they're an idiot or. how you wished you would've married someone who could do all of these things, because that's immediately gonna put them on the defensive. And that's not helpful. That's not gonna help you and it's not gonna help them, and that's only gonna lead to more disconnection. So lead with how you are feeling about everything. Like, Hey babe, I've just been feeling really exhausted and overwhelmed with all of the things that need to be done to keep. The household and the way that we enjoy it, and I would really like your help and I want us to talk about how we can split some of these things up in a way where we're both feeling good about it. What do you think about that? Okay. And you can totally use this. You can use my words to start this conversation, and there is probably gonna be pushback. Your husband has probably benefited from you doing all of the things because he gets to relax and do stuff. But if you want y'all's marriage to be in a good place, you cannot be the only one picking up a sock and doing everything, because that's really gonna hurt the connection that you have within your marriage. if your husband is helping you with these things, you're going to feel more connected to them. You're going to want to be closer to them. And lastly set, boundaries. Boundaries are really important because it's gonna protect your piece. It's going to set standards for. Not just your husband, but for you, setting boundaries is not necessarily to control other people. I know People can get really like uneasy and a little bit scared. We're setting boundaries because they think. That, that's just a way that you can control and manipulate people, but boundaries are for you. And that is also something that we can talk about in another episode of the podcast because I can continue going on and I really wanted this to stay short so that it was something that you could listen to now and not feel like you have to wait. So. If this dynamic has shown up in your relationship, you are not alone and it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed There are things that you can do, and some of'em we've already discussed, so that weaponized incompetence isn't something that shows up frequently within your marriage. And of course, awareness is the first step. Maybe this is the first time you're hearing this, so pay attention to when maybe weaponized incompetence does show up within your marriage and keep each other accountable and communicate what you need from your partner. if this is something that you're struggling with and you're looking for support, I have. Availability for new clients. This is something that I work with individuals and couples on in therapy sessions. But that is all that I have for today and I would love to know what you thought about the episode. So. You are more than welcome to send me a dm, or put comments in the comment section of wherever you're listening. But thank you so much and I'll see you next time.