The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast

Episode 69: How to Reconnect with Yourself and Your Partner After Kids With Special Guest Kim Torrence, LCSW-C

• Kayla Nettleton • Episode 69

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Motherhood is overwhelming enough—so when your relationship feels out of sync too, it can feel like you're crumbling under the weight of it all. In this episode of the Love After Kids series, I sit down with somatic therapist Kim Torrence to talk about what happens when you're trying to be a great mom and a great partner—and losing parts of yourself in the process.

In this conversation, we explore what balance really means, how burnout sneaks into our relationships, and how the path to deeper connection often starts with reconnecting with ourselves.

✨ Here’s what we unpack:

  • What “balance” actually looks and feels like—and why it’s different for every mom.
  • How to tell when you’re out of alignment in your relationship.
  • Tools to build self-awareness and practice nervous system regulation.
  • Why getting curious about your anxiety can create more peace (and even better sleep!).
  • How tending to your inner world leads to more connection in your partnership.

This one’s a deep exhale for the moms carrying it all. 💛

Helpful Links:

Website: https://kimtorrence.com/

Recommended Podcast Episodes: 

Spotify: Episode 61 & Episode 62

Apple Podcasts: Episode 61 & Episode 62

YouTube: Episode 61 & Episode 62



Thank you so much for joining me this week on today's episode. Be sure to follow me on IG @therapy.with.kayla

I love hearing about your insights and aha! moments from the show. 

About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed TX-based therapist, business owner, mom of 3, and marketing coach for therapists.

In her private practice, Kayla helps women break free from cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Her holistic approach guides clients toward authentic, fulfilling lives by reconnecting with their intuition, setting boundaries, and building confidence.

Kayla also works with couples, especially parents balancing marriage and family. She offers both traditional couples therapy and focused intensives (6 to 18 hours) to help partners address key issues like communication, trust, and intimacy.

Through empathy and effective therapeutic tools, Kayla helps couples reconnect, thrive, and create healthier, more supportive relationships—benefiting the entire family. Her practice transforms self-doubt and disconnection into growth, healing, and lasting change.


Find Kayla on IG: @therapy.with.kayla

Find Kayla on TikTok: therapy.with.kayla

Find Kayla On YouTube: The Modern Mom's Roadmap to Balance Podcast

Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com

Free Consultation: Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation ...

Hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast and another addition to our Love after Kids series. My name is Kayla Nettleton, and I'm your host Today, my guest is the incredible Kim Torrance, a somatic therapist who specializes in burnout, prevention and recovery. Kim brings a grounded, compassionate, and body-based perspective to her work. Helping professional women navigate the weight of overwork, perfectionism, and anxiety through a mind body lens. She supports her clients in building more mindful relationships, managing stress, and creating more peace and ease in their lives. In this episode, Kim and I explore the real life tension between being a great mom and being a connected partner, and how sometimes it feels like those two roles are in direct competition. We also talk about what bound even means, why it shifts over time, and how we can start reconnecting with parts of ourselves we've pushed aside. There's so much wisdom in here about self-compassion, nervous system regulation, and how deepening your relationship with yourself make space for more connection with the people you love. So if you've ever felt like you're holding everything together, but somehow still losing parts of yourself in the process, this episode is for you. Now let's get into it.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Hey, Kim.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Hi, Kayla

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Thank you so much for giving us your time joining us on the podcast today.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited for this conversation and,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Me too. I was really excited.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Yeah,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yes. Especially after we had a quick chat a couple of weeks ago. I've definitely been looking forward to our conversation.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

speaking with you and we covered a lot of really interesting topics, so I'm looking forward to continuing.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

So before we get into it, I want to ask you, a question that I haven't been able to ask because with this new series, Love After Kids, I have two questions that people get to pick, but this one is a new one for the audience. So in your experience, how can couples find balance between being great parents and great partners?

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

I really love that question. It's okay with you to take my time with something so, so profound because there's so much

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Absolutely.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

And what comes up for me first is like what is your definition of balance or what does balance mean to you? That's what comes up for me first. You know, maybe that's even something your listeners can think to themselves, like what are we talking about when we ask about balance? I don't know if that's something that you want to think about or, you know, but I guess when I start to answer a

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

I mean,

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

this, I think about

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

we all have a different definition of what that might mean. that's important when

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

being in a relationship, being in a partnership.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that was The foundation of why I created the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast is to highlight how we do all have different definitions of balance and there is no one right way but we have to figure out that definition for ourselves and You are more than welcome to answer that question for yourself of like for you Kim what does balance mean to you or what is your own personal definition of balance?

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think about you know, the clients that I've worked with and, their efforts to be good parents, to be, you know, to be good partners. The first thing that comes to mind is just there's so much that's going on, Being a parent is all consuming. And that there's this trajectory where when you first become a parent, it kind of takes over your identity. and very understandably, it can take over sort of like the relationship goes into a transformation. Because now, the, two have come together are now bringing into the world a new, being. adding to their family, right? So, I think that balance is something that can change in meaning over time. And I think that, might even have different, values or even parts of ourselves that come up around what it means to be a good parent, it means to be a good partner, you know,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

those things can sometimes even be an opposition.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

They can.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

right,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yes.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

like some, it's very common that you may go into periods of time where like you're, you might have it feel really strong with your partner and it's like, well, this kid is two and you know, I need sleep when I have a moment, and so we may have phases and stages. and I just want to normalize that. I just want to just offer that to anybody listening that question can change over time. And so that's why I kind of wanted to respond first with that, rather than just sort of like, okay, this is what I know and this is what I've seen, which I'm going to get to, but,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Oh yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you know, I just want to just bring some compassion. To how sometimes this question can be hard and it can change. But I think that there's a pathway, right? There's, like, how do we know when we're out of balance? And what

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

know when we're in balance?

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

I would even say, to the audience listening, if you're listening right now, pause. Pause this episode if you can. Grab a pen and paper and Journal about what is balance for you? Is there like a definition or is there a feeling like for me,

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

yes.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

kind of like contentment and calm and cozy. I know cozy kind of sounds weird, but when I'm feeling like,

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Ha ha!

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

like, I feel like I'm being wrapped in a warm blanket throughout my day, that's when I know I'm in a good place for myself.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Yeah.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

so when I think about that and think about, okay, what does that mean for me, in my partnership? And then as a parent, what is that going to look like? And that probably looks a little bit different.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. But this, is a moment when you could really do some journaling about this and journaling is not always

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

it's something that sometimes it's like, well, there's not even time. but you can voice memo it. You can just sit with a question while you're driving. Like what is balance? And I love what you're saying that think underneath the idea of achieving balance, there's something that we're looking to feel. We're looking to feel, and I love your description, contentment, calm, cozy, like that sounds secure. Sounds like safe. Sounds like everything's okay. And that's, such an important thing I think when we root in that as a starting place for what we're trying to accomplish when we attempt to be the best parent we can be, the best partner we can be. you know, I'm a relational therapist. I've done therapy with parents and children for a really long time. And so. I did something called child parent psychotherapy for a long time with children,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Okay.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

zero to five and parents. And one of the things that it's sort of like in the room, it's like there's the parent child relationship and the child, but like that mom's, there's the identity of who you are, right? What's balanced for you as a person. we can kind of like hold that it's like. Being a great parent and being a great partner and how to find balance within yourself in the things that are important to you. I know that the moms that might be listening to this. They probably also have their own identity as what they do for living or their

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

And so, you know, I think that's also part of why it can be such a challenge feel like there's this balance because. Much time is consumed in caring and tending for the children or also remembering to connect with your partner outside of, did you do the dishes or did you pick up the laundry, you know? And those are things that are so important to the functionality of like, okay, we're going to be okay. Cause we, we didn't forget the milk, you know,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Uh huh.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

homework's done or getting to bed on time. So. You know, so, so there's, there's just so much. So I just really just want to bring so much compassion for trying to manage all of these relationships, all of these values.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. And I feel like you first have to think about that for yourself before you can even think about it in your partnership and in parenthood.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Oh yeah. Yeah. And sometimes you have to build a house while you're running, you know,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yes.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

sometimes, you know, we can prepare it and sometimes we can't. But we can always find our way back.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Uhhuh.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

You know, that there's, when you're out of balance, it's also a good place to start. like, I think it's probably fair to say that everyone or many work very hard not to be out of balance, but it just sometimes happens, because especially we're working with a limited,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

hours to a day. And demanding jobs and,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm-hmm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you know, all of these things that we're talking about, like this value of being a great parent, being a great partner. So going to happen that we get out of balance. It just is. And that was something that I was thinking about with this question of like a part of finding our way. two balance is like, how do we know we're out of balance maybe on a physical level?

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

on a need level, like I haven't felt like I've connected with my partner. I don't feel like had a conversation outside of who's going to pick up the kids or whose turn it is to, change the diaper. I mean, these are things that

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

So, so I think that that's also a question like what are you noticing coming up for you? Whether it be on a physical level fatigue, but what are the worries also? What are the concerns? I would say this is one of the hardest things that I notice For myself for clients that how do we do this? Therapy model I know, you know, internal family systems, which is something I use a lot. How do we cultivate this U turn, this ability to turn

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm-hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

it's very natural to be completely blended with sometimes our worries, our stress and to just follow that train of thought, but kind mindfulness, that's the best way I could describe it, is can we turn towards those worries. Maybe even consider

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. Mm-hmm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

of you that's holding a job I'm thinking of someone that I work with who, know, wants to to every need. And when, they can't, they feel really bad when they can't be at the parent teacher conference or something, or they can't. Make it to the recite, Oh, that's, I mean, that's not going to happen. They're going to do anything to be there for that. But sometimes like they're detriment and, and it's a lot of stress and

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. Mm-hmm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

I would say two things are really helpful among many, but be curious enough turn inward and say, what's here for me? What am I worried is going to happen? What are my concerns? If this thing doesn't happen,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

and if you stay with that, that sort of ability to that inquiry, wow, you might get some really important information about why sometimes

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you're not in balance or you're not feeling like you're doing that thing, why you might be so harsh with yourself. Or we could even think of it a part of you, the

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you know, we have This idea that there's different parts to our being, like, you might have mom parts, you might have, you know, of you that wanna relax and go to the movies with your partner or, right? So, so that is to say, can we the muscle? It's almost like building a muscle of reflex. Like, can

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

inward and be with this? And then we might be able to see, well, underneath this worry about, I didn't fill out the permission slip in time or whatever it is that you may be

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

yourself. underneath that? What's the belief? Is there a burden, a burden to

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

concern? I don't know. Kayla, what do you notice? what do you think about?

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

oh yeah, absolutely, and part of the things that we'll talk about, and sometimes it's easier for them to kind of think about and wrap their mind around is like building relationships with those feelings, like with those different parts of yourself. So if you're noticing that you're having a lot of anxiety around something, like, Start talking to that anxiety. like it's a person, that's what I tell them. And I tell them, I'm like, it's just going to sound really funny, but I promise, I promise it's going to help. Like think of anxiety as a person and like start having conversations with anxiety and see, like. What's there and it's going to be weird and you're going to be like, I don't know about this, but there's so much underneath the anxiety that will come out when we stop and get curious with it, not in a way where you're like, Oh, why are you here? But like, Hey, I just, I feel you coming up a lot. Anxiety.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Yeah.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

What, what's going on? And you're going to get an answer. You're going to get an answer. And might be a picture. It might be like a feeling, another feeling that comes up. It might be, a voice in your thoughts or words kind of like come to your mind. But you will get that answer. But it's about building those relationships with those parts of yourself with those different pieces.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

I love that. And, and I, and it's so true that it's at first it feels really weird, you know, to just

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm. Mm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

I love working with clients that are like, the cynics. I love them so much. Cause I think I am a little bit too. So I have a lot of compassion for that, but I agree. It is very Because we're

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

hmm. Mm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

directly at the fear and, if we can bring, and this is a toughie, but like some compassion, you know, it's like, can we listen inwards without frustration? Cause frustration, it's not necessarily helpful when it's like, fine, what's wrong? You know, it's like, Ooh, you know, we might have a part of ourselves that we might not like feeling anxious. Right? I don't like

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

I'm so pissed that I'm stressed about this. Why am I freaking out about this? Such a common thing I hear, from parents just, like burning the candle at both ends, just trying to do their best.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

And they're also to do this thing. whether it's saying yes to too many things. That's, that's

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

hmm. Oh

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

saying yes and signing up for stuff or just, you know, feeling bad not having your kids in a lot of extracurricular activities because you think this is what's going to help them be successful. But there it is. Oh, at the core of that is a value. I want them to be successful or I want everyone to be okay. And then it's like, and so what would happen if, if we stay with the fear? Or the anxiety we get to be friends, like tend and befriend that there's actually a good intention, even though, know, perhaps there's this compulsive signing up for the, parent what is it the room parent or whatever it is type of scenario

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Huh.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

like, why did I do this thing? so we can then begin to, have an understanding, there's this opportunity. And I'm going to go for this term, which I love so much. And I think I do so much with my client is like, there's this opportunity for spiritual reparenting in a

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

coming from times when there wasn't a sense of security, wasn't a sense of that contentment that, you know, going back to those beautiful words, you, you spoke to like that feeling of a

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Yeah, I think that that is really valuable like taking an inventory about how we get out of balance. I keep using that example of signing up for too much stuff, but you might have parts that I don't want to sign up for anything, you know, and so I

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

but this could be look very different for different people and there's no right or wrong. Right. But it's

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

what do you notice, in terms of these concerns or worries. And I love the way you're saying, like, talk to your anxiety, like it was a person and you can get some

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you know, and then you might

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

that with the various parts that come up or if you want to think of it as feelings or worries about being a parent and then also about being a partner, right? So sort of

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

sort of doing that inventory you may even think of it in IFS. there's this one nice visualization of like the conference table.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm. Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

like as the CEO or the person kind of at the head of the table and every.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

of you or if you want to think of it as worries and concerns get a seat and Everyone gets gets a chance to speak at the mic and just go around and you Jot down you listen without giving any advice. That's key It's all seen and heard, you know, okay, I get input by the way. I want to say this is not easy it

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

No.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

I

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

it's not.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

easy for me

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yes. And practice.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

I just want your listeners to know That this is a journey and, and it's,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Oh, yes.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

know, but I'm just laying it out as something that, they can think about is like this visualization of, you, as that head of the table, we all have this capacity inside to bring patience, perspective,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

wisdom self is at the head of the table,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

self, if you, if you will, or just the part of you that can patience and calm and, curiosity. And you offer that to each part as you go around the table, you hear from them. And that's where I think balance, and this is like all kind of leading back to that,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you know, it's like, okay, so once we really can cultivate this relationship inside with our different parent, you know, parts and partner parts, we can begin to

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Right? And, have compassion for example, I would say finding time to exercise is quite a source of anxiety for a lot of moms. Like, you know, that

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

they don't have that time for themselves and so maybe you could think of it as the part of you that worries about, am I ever going to be able to get that

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Like, if I'm skipping here, what's slipping?

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

worry about that kind of stuff. It's like, okay, so how do we maybe negotiate? Like I'll just give an example personally. I have a taskmaster part. That's I think a lot of people have where I have a hard time putting work down. Like it's like one more thing. Let me just do one more thing. Right. But then

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Okay.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

is ticking at the end of the day Like I really. value and cherish being able to go for a walk after work. It helps me settle things, you know. But Yeah. part will not let up sometimes. But if I can just sort of, like, practice that sort of U turn, like, Okay, you know, and then it's like, alright, well, you know. And so then you kind of become that, like, inner negotiator. because then if The parts of me that love to take a walk are going to be really upset if I don't get it. And then I'm not going to feel good. So, know, it's sort of, sometimes I

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

is about negotiating between the different priorities that you have and coming up with a solution that is the best you can, you know, do in that moment. And then compassion for letting enough be enough.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Absolutely. And every exercise in this connection, like for myself has really helped me to sleep better at night. I used to have such a hard time sleeping and it was because all of my anxious parts would come out during that time. It's like, What are you not doing that you're sleeping but then I wouldn't get any sleep because I'm just like worried about all of these things. And so being able to get connected with that part and get curious and being able to then have a conversation like, you know what, I totally get it. there are a lot of things that we need to do but we cannot do them right now. Like we're not in a good place. To get those things done, and we are definitely going to get to them tomorrow, but in order for that to be done, we have to get our sleep.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

yeah.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

that relationship, as weird as that might sound, right? Having that relationship means I get better sleep.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Hmm.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

my sleep has never been better. I mean, sure, I have a three year old that I'm sleeping in his bed. We're trying to transition all of that. So, no, I'm not getting, like, amazing sleep. Because I'm, sharing a twin size bed with a toddler. Right now. But, I mean it's better than kind of, like, staying up for hours in the middle of the night. Because I just can't turn my mind off.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

That is such a wonderful example and I felt like as you were talking about how you speak to your anxious parts, I felt that soothing, like it was so soothing to hear the way It was like, and I think that if we can offer that our parts can quiet can, you know, cause they'll get louder, they'll get louder if you

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

yeah. If we ignore them, yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

if you just like double down and keep working hard or whatever. It's like, there's this. It's this relationship that you can build over time of this trust. And so when your anxiety is speaking, you're

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm-hmm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

see you and hear you. And I actually am going to do something about that. you're right. Like right now is sleep time. I'm not going to be able to do a good job at that tomorrow if you don't let me rest. And then sometimes we made parts that might need you to like write it down. everyone's system is going to be different,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

But it's building trust inside. I see and hear you. I'm not going to ignore you, that can bring some peace, you know, enough to sleep

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm-hmm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

to, stop being harsh. this model IFS does talk about how parts can get really harsh when they don't feel

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you're going to listen. So yeah, that's powerful.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

And I, and being able to practice this within yourself will only make it so much easier to practice this same compassion and curiosity with your partners and with your kids too.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

then you can go forth that self knowledge you know, they call it self leadership. Like you've listened to your parts, you know what your values are, you know, what matters to you, and there's a sense of, then you can go and speak for your parts to your partner. I love this. This is one of the most

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. Mm-hmm

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

such a shift. idea of speaking for your parts rather than from your parts. Yeah, well, and exactly. and then the self of you that has access to compassion, curiosity, wisdom, patience, all that a better ambassador than, the part of you that's pissed that your partner forgot your birthday.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yes. Yes. Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

right to be angry, but like, you know, if you can listen to yourself and do that spiritual reparenting or that self soothing or whatever inside, then you're better able to organize what's the most powerful thing how can I, speak for this need? Whether it's that you remember my birthday or whether it's that, we feel like equals in the housework or, whatever, being a good partner means for you or for your listener, like, being able to, then go and say, it really matters to me that we, have some time where we're relating and we're not talking about housework and the kids, I miss you. How are you doing? You know, you know, and

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. What have you been up to?

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

write. Yeah, what's new

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

And I think that's such a challenge I had one friend talk about how it's almost like she and her husband have their own language like they just have this

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you know, and you do, and we're all constantly growing and evolving, and there's something valuable about bringing beginner's mind to this person

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yes,

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you're walking through life

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

absolutely.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you know, and so, but

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

they may forget you, so going back to this idea of balance in your partnership I think being able to practice this speaking for your parts or for your needs and making a request. I love that about nonviolent communication. It's like expressing that you have a need and making a request with the

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

might not go that great. I mean, they may not be able to meet that need, but, at the very least you're in touch with this need for connection or for

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Mm hmm.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

or for, being remembered on your birthday, these kinds of things.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah. Yeah. And I do like that. You mentioned like maybe your partner can't meet that need because sometimes they can't and we have to find that in something else

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Oh

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

for, I mean, for example, like the fun piece, like maybe they're just not someone who is up for the type of adventures that you're looking for.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

yeah,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Maybe they're not the outdoorsy person you are or vice versa. Maybe you're not the outdoorsy person they are and that's okay. It doesn't mean the relationship can't work. work. It's just, y'all have to find that for yourself.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

yeah, that's so important you know and it changes. As you said that I was remembering listening to Trevor Noah speak on a podcast about relationships

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Okay.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

and it was so interesting cause he talks about being drunk on love, like in the beginning, he's like. his new girlfriend, he's like, Sure, I'll go with you to the farmer's market because I'm drunk right now and love. But, just so you know, My preference is to stay home all day with the lights out watching football. Ha ha ha! Right? And so

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

And it's the funny thing is it's like, do you in the moment recognize that though? Cause I feel like a lot of people don't

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Right.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

I'm going to say yes, because I'm so drunk on love. But what I prefer is most people are not. Making that connection in the moment and it's later, it's like, well, yes, I was totally up for that because I was just like, so drunk on love, but now I'm more clear headed and my preference is to stay home with the lights out and watch football all day on a Sunday and Monday and Thursday. Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

about his experience in therapy. So, you know, he is bringing a lot of reflection, but that's the negotiation piece. That's the finding of balance, in any partnership. It's like, Oh, wow. Okay. So this is okay. So I have a need to go to the farmer's market and novelty or get organic. And I love it. you would be able to join me in this, but okay. All right. But I do think that there's, always going to be a negotiation, you know, like finding what you really need and what works and pragmatism is a great friend.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah, but I mean, I thought we kind of landed a little bit on this topic because I feel like sometimes couples get so hung up on needing to do everything together and then being afraid to do things separately. And like, what. But being apart, it's like, what, what is there for you, like, what is coming up for you that you were nervous or afraid to do things on your own? Or maybe it's like, what does this say about your relationship that you are doing things on your own? And being able to look at those things and when you can, when you can, like, look at them, maybe write them down. You can then address it like, well, no, that's not true. It's not that they don't love me enough. It's just, I really love doing this and they don't and that's okay. But that doesn't mean I should stop doing that. Like my husband doesn't like to run. I do. So I have like an amazing group of girlfriends that we go run together. At least once a month, hopefully that starts up again. Cause it was too cold for some of them, but we were still hanging out, even if we weren't running.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Yeah,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

once a month. And so like that's something that I do with them. And then I get to tell my husband all about it and how much I enjoyed it. And we're connecting in that way, but he doesn't actually have to go on the run for him and I to connect in that way.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Hmm. That's such a powerful, process you're describing of like, yeah, what comes up if at the idea, that, that's in your partnership, the pattern of like doing everything together, what does come up at the idea of something on your own. And that can be really good information I have friends that they're Always together and they're like best friends, but you know, I mean, I think there's something about going out and coming back and being like, guess what I saw today, guess what I did, you know, just enough so that you're not sacrificing, I think sometimes in relationships it's not uncommon that In order to be together, sometimes people do give up, this hobby or this thing, or, it loses priority. but you can always resume that and always find your way back to that. And it can be beneficial, right? to bring novelty or to bring,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Absolutely.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

outside. Yeah.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

yeah, I mean, cause You're still your own person. You still have an identity outside of the partnership. You're still someone else that's not just wife and not just mom. You're also like you like I'm also Kayla. I'm not just Mom and wife, I'm Kayla and, who is she and what are those things that she enjoys and how can I give that to her?

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

that is so important. So important to remember and That's such a common thing that that might get put to the side, when you have very young children, especially because you're literally like making sure they don't. walk out the door or put their finger, in the electric socket, you know, it's like this

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

of like keeping this child alive and running after your when your toddler first discovers

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Oh my gosh. Yeah. And then, that is true that there's the you, there's the you that was there and has always been there. And that's another part of balance being able to reclaim that when the timing is right. or in little glimpses here and there, like returning to your love of running

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah, because it's not fair to your marriage, your relationship for it to be your everything.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Oh yeah.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

it puts like way too much

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

yeah.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

if it can't fulfill your need, what does that mean? Does that mean that it's not working and that it's over? That's, that's, that's a lot. That's scary. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

because we're human. And in the container of the relationship, some of our needs that haven't gotten met might come up, right? It's normal that, you might notice like, Oh, you know, frustrations or needs and hurts. that's why this, this self inventory, you know, really being honest and gentle. What are my needs? write them down. know, and what are things that feel important that I can give to myself when my partner can't because you're right, they can't, I'm thinking of one person that, you know, their spouse when he would come home would need to be quiet cause he had more of an avoidant attachment and needed a lot of time to kind of regulate himself in isolation, you know, like being alone was regulating for him. But for this person, you know, it felt like an abandonment or it felt like, why don't you want to spend time with me? And that's a hard one. I'm sure that's pretty common. You know, so like, it doesn't mean that you can't ever get your needs met, but it's like working with your spouses, like their nervous system, understanding their attachment. And then, well, maybe you find a way to get that connection in a way that they're able to manage, maybe it's not right when they get home and, so how do you, negotiate that? And there aren't clear cut answers that these are things that we can come into through conversation and lots of communication. But that kind of communication that's like self led after you've done a little bit of Tending to your feelings so that you can then really speak for your needs and here there's Yeah, yeah,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

some of this, you might need extra support, you might actually have to go see a therapist, but just because You might have more of an anxious attachment style and your partner has more of an avoidant attachment style doesn't mean you're doomed. It's just that there's some work that you each have to do in learning how to regulate your nervous system so that you both feel safe and secure in the partnership and then you're not being led by those attachment styles anymore.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Oh, yeah, I mean this is hard stuff nobody's born with a like this is how we're gonna navigate, you know you know,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

even understand, that attachment styles do have quite a role in, difficulties around communicating, you know, conflict, know, conflict is,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yes, and absolutely. And if you're wanting some more information on attachment styles, and you're like, Oh, I do want to learn more about that. Definitely take a look at episode 61 and episode 62 where I kind of break them all down. And we'll link that up in the show notes. So if you missed those episodes, you can definitely go back. And I go into each attachment style and how it affects us in adulthood. And how it impacts also our relationship and our ability to communicate with our partner. So if that's something you missed be sure to go listen to those episodes.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Yeah, I listened to, they were great,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Oh, thank you.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

yeah. I'm an attachment

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

any attachment conversation, I'm like, I'm all in it,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah, and I really tried to make it as simple as I could so that it was easily digestible and not too long where you felt like you had to like sit with it for a whole hour.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

right?

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

And so like those are definitely like less than 30 minutes, I think. So definitely go listen to that if you have a chance, but I want to thank you so much, Kim.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Oh,

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

are like about out of time and it went by so

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

I

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

fast.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

We could keep going. I just really enjoy

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Oh, yeah

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

Yeah. Talking and connecting on these things that are so important. So thank you so much for the opportunity to come and chat with you.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Of course, and if people are thinking like, Oh, Kim, like, she sounds so awesome. I want to be like more in her world. I want to maybe work with her. Can you give people a way that they can maybe get into your world where you're located and if they're in the same place, how to get a contact with you.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

So my website is the best way to get in touch with me. Kim torrance.com. And that's with an e. T O R R E N C E so you can send me an email, my information's on the website, I offer individual psychotherapy in the states of Maryland, D. C., and Virginia, but I also have groups, and those, I can see anybody from anywhere that are really about building these skills that we've talked about. So somatic. how to develop sort of connections with your parts that we've talked about using IFS and something called somatic experiencing. So kind of how to soothe and self regulate when you know, meeting distress or anxiety. And so

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

Yeah,

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

send me an email if you're interested in that to get on the wait list.

squadcaster-40fc_1_02-28-2025_140853:

And don't worry if you didn't catch that. We'll link everything up in the show notes that's easily accessible for you. And again, thank you so much, Kim, for joining us today.

kim-torrence_1_02-28-2025_150853:

you. Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure.