The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Is it really possible to find balance as a mom? Each week, I'll be bringing you inspiring chats, interviews, and dialogues all based around helping moms like you unlock their potential and lead the balanced life they want. If you enjoy listening to topics that help you lead a more balanced life, then you've come to the right place. I'm obsessed with helping moms lead the life they want without the guilt.
With the right information and support, you can find balance in motherhood without sacrificing your needs.
The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Episode 67: Dating After Divorce: Navigating Love & Parenthood With Special Guest Dr. Tavari Brown
Are you a single parent wondering how to navigate the world of dating while raising kids? In this episode of Love After Kids, I sit down with Dr. Tavari Brown to tackle the realities of dating post-divorce, introducing a new partner to your child, and balancing your own needs with those of your family.
If you've ever felt torn between prioritizing your love life and making sure your kids feel secure, this episode is for you. We break down the guilt, the pressure, and the expectations society places on single parents when it comes to love—and why you deserve to find happiness, too.
💡 Here’s what we cover in today’s episode:
- The biggest misconceptions about dating as a single parent.
- How to introduce your child to a new partner (without the drama).
- The emotions that come up when co-parenting & dating overlap.
- Why your happiness as a parent does matter in the long run.
Dating after kids is a whole new world, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Tune in for expert insights and practical tips on navigating love and family life with confidence.
🎧 Press play and let’s dive in!
Helpful Links:
Website: ttbhealth.clientsecure.me
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Thank you so much for joining me this week on today's episode. Be sure to follow me on IG @therapy.with.kayla
I love hearing about your insights and aha! moments from the show.
About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed TX-based therapist, business owner, mom of 3, and marketing coach for therapists.
In her private practice, Kayla helps women break free from cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Her holistic approach guides clients toward authentic, fulfilling lives by reconnecting with their intuition, setting boundaries, and building confidence.
Kayla also works with couples, especially parents balancing marriage and family. She offers both traditional couples therapy and focused intensives (6 to 18 hours) to help partners address key issues like communication, trust, and intimacy.
Through empathy and effective therapeutic tools, Kayla helps couples reconnect, thrive, and create healthier, more supportive relationships—benefiting the entire family. Her practice transforms self-doubt and disconnection into growth, healing, and lasting change.
Find Kayla on IG
@therapy.with.kayla
Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com
Free Consultation: Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.
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Hello. Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for being here on the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast with our special series of Love After Kids. Joining me today is Dr. Tavari Brown, who is an Atlanta based therapist, coach, public health facilitator, and corporate speaker. She has nearly 30 years of experience helping high achieving women break free from people pleasing Set boundaries with confidence and take charge of their lives without the guilt. And today we're bringing that expertise into the world of dating and relationships post kids, we'll be talking about the challenges and misconceptions of dating as a parent, what it looks like to introduce a new partner into your child's world and how to navigate the emotional ups and downs of this process. Plus. We'll explore the expectations we place on ourselves, the pressure society puts on single parents when it comes to love, and how to approach this journey in a way that honors both your needs and your family's wellbeing. If you've ever wondered when the right time is to start dating, how to talk to your kids about a new relationship, or what to do when your child isn't on board with a new partner, this episode is for you. So let's get into it.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Hey, Tamari,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Hey,
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:thank you so much for joining us on the show today.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:I love the audience. I love talking about parenting issues and relationships. So just in my sweet spot.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah, and I'm really excited about this episode that we're going to kind of get into today. I know before when we met previously to booking this date, you had talked about doing a show that was talking about finding love after kids, like people who are single and trying to find partnership and they have kids.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Yeah, absolutely. So I
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:So. Uh huh. Uh huh. Huh.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:what does it look like to blend family? So if you have children and your new partner has children, what does that look like? What does it look like to introduce them to your family? You know, your family of origin or for you and your children to meet that person's family of origin. I think that's particular nuance. And then, I think third is that this is just new territory for everyone, right? So if you're
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Absolutely.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:longer with your partner and trying to co parent at a distance. What does that feel like? And, you know, what are the rules and
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:but then what does that look like for your kids? Is there adjusting to maybe a new life and new situations and new people and expectations and. You know, perhaps, you're having big feelings, your former partners having big feelings, your new partner might have
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:and then to deal with children who have big feelings, who are still trying to
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:do with those big feelings. And most of us try to navigate that space and we're not experts. So I think when I saw what the topic area was and kind of introduce the notion of, well. What does that look like when marriages end? You seemed really interested in
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:I think this is a good time to talk about this. And, you know, we're, we're now
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:You know?
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah, and I mean, I don't think it's talked about enough, and I think people in this situation feel a lot of shame around, not only their marriage ending, but, you know, And thinking like, well, am I not thinking about my kids if I'm trying to enter into another relationship? Should I not do that until the kids are out of the house? And I feel like there's no, right decision. It's the decision that is the best for you and your family. But I feel like sometimes there's this pressure like, oh, well, you shouldn't even be thinking about yourself until the kids are out of the house. And then, then you can take the time to find love.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Yeah, I mean, I would even rewind in terms of like, if you're in an unhappy marriage, you know, a generation ago, people talked about staying in the marriage for the kids. But what are we modeling for Children? if both people are miserable in the marriage, you know, kids can see. See that you're
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm. Mm
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:so what are, are we modeling that? Are we teaching children that marriage is about sticking through when people aren't happy or aren't satisfied? So I think that's the first step is, if a marriage
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:which is never a happy thing, even when a bad marriage ends, there's a feeling of
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:this is desolation. There's this disappointment. Very few people go
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:saying, oh, but when this ends. kids are in kindergarten and middle school. What does this look like? So
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:you know, when people are having to first wrestle with that, the notion of does this look like? What does this mean for the kids even, let alone for me as an individual? so I think that's the first step is really just kind of acknowledging, like that's already a big decision. Before we even go into the foray of what does it look like to date. But let me say that I think particularly as
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:you know, as human beings, like we're people and we have needs. We have emotional, spiritual, financial needs. And it may not always
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:to put your needs on the back burner until your kids hit whatever situation. And it doesn't mean that it's necessarily easier to do it when the kids are older. I have a friend who
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:she's dissolving her relationship. And her nine year old said, why didn't you do this sooner? why did you
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Now I have to adjust. I would have adjusted to it better. Had you done it five years ago, you know, at four,
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:have been better equipped to deal with this than at nine.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah, yeah. And I mean, we don't know that, right? but I think it,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:there's no good time for it. There's no good time for
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:there's no good time. But if anything that really highlights like your kids know when a situation is bad, there's no hiding stuff from them like they know they feel it and you staying in a bad situation isn't helpful for them because they sense everything. Kids are so intuitive and they could like us as people could be like very intuitive people except it's kind of Forced out of us. We're kind of taught to well, don't pay attention to that. Just push through. Just don't think about it right now. Or it's not for you to worry about, but they're worrying about it.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:and I think that when children express their concerns and they see that some things are right, I think it's an insult to their intelligence when we act like everything is fine. There was a saying man, I have to figure out it, remember what it was, but it's like, This like dishonest conversation, it started with dishonest, but basically it's like asking people to stay in a
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:families, like families of origin, we do that. We, we
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:mhm,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:pretends it's not an issue because we're happy and at peace. And I think, you know, in family systems, they talk about that kind of homeostasis, like we managed to
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:mhm,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:in a place. when we're sweeping things under the rug, but you know, I think it insults
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:first instinct is to say, Hey, that seems to be strange, or that feels funny, or that feels weird. And it's dishonest for us
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:mhm,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:when there is something going on, even if we feel like it's too big for them to reconcile with, sometimes we're protecting our
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Sometimes we're trying to ignore it and we don't have the words for it. And then we have, you know, these other people looking at us and saying, Hey. What is that? There's an elephant in the room. We're gaslighting
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:there isn't, you know, so
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:mhm,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:for yes, there's something here, but I don't have the words for it right now. And that's very honest. That's modeling honest
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:our Children's behalf, too, because we want the
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:mhm,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:them when we're like, Hey, what is that in your room? And they're like, Oh, that's nothing. Oh, it's something. But
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:them to be able to say, Hey,
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:I'm working on something, or mommy, I don't want to talk about it right now. You know, I mean,
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yes.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:honest than saying, no, there's nothing there.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yes. And I think so. Like, I don't have a teenager. My oldest is nine. But even when you are working, like dealing with teenagers, if you're a parent, and you have a teenager, that's just like, I don't know. Well, I don't know that they learned that
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Yeah.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:they learned to say, I don't know, because any other time that they maybe brought something up, it was just maybe swept under the rug or pushed aside. Yeah. Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:but she's an I don't know kind of kid. So rather than let her sit with the, I don't know, sometimes I give the multiple choice answer. I'm like, is it this? Is it that? Are you thinking about this thing? Or sometimes my kid isn't thinking about really anything. She really is just observing her surroundings. And that's a nice thing, you know, but. When I say to her, Hey, what are you thinking about? And she says, I don't know. Then I started giving them multiple choice. Are you thinking about it's Friday? are you thinking about what your day is looking like? Are you thinking about what you want to do over the weekend? Are you just observing, you know, the things outside and When we give them the multiple choice and sometimes they come back with, no, I was just thinking that my tennis shoes are a little bit too tight or no, I was just thinking that I don't want to have pizza for lunch, but sometimes with children, we have to give them the prompt. So there's the open ended question. What are you thinking about? And it's, the more around. So close ended question, Are you happy? And they're like, no. And you're like, well, now I want more information. You know, then as opposed to open it, a question of saying, Hey, are you worried about this thing? Are you concerned about this thing? Do you feel some kind of way about this is, you know, the performance coming up? Is that giving you butterflies? Or do you feel prepared about the day for them to come back and say, no, you're totally off base. You know, like it's, you know, That I thought
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:blue and it's actually black, you know?
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah, no, I love that. And I think there's a connection here too, even in our, Romantic relationships is sometimes we think that it's something totally off. Like we think like they're mad at us and they're thinking like, no, I'm just had a really stressful day at work and my boss just reamed me on my way out. Right. Okay.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:trying to solve for something for my partner and I, and then I realized that I was, doing all this work to make something better for us and I had solved for the wrong problem I was solving for time and it wasn't time that was in. question. there was another element that was in question, but because I had assumed that it was time, I started fixing for time. I got a babysitter and I made sure that we had date night and that wasn't the challenge. The challenge was something else, you know? So when we are actually asking the question and saying, even in a solution oriented way, like, Hey, I'm feeling like we haven't had enough time together. So I'm going to schedule a date night. is that what you're looking forward to, to our partner? Or is that what you feel like we need? It opens it up for them to say, no, what I think we need is to have sex more frequently. It's like, oh, okay, well I could save
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah, that's right. Yeah, no, that's so good. And, before I ask this question, we need to take a little step back because I didn't ask our question of the day. So I asked a question to all my guests at the beginning. And so with this new series, Love After Kids, the question I have for you is what's one thing you've learned about maintaining balance in love or marriage, especially after kids? Oh,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:thing is just the importance of continually pouring into your relationship, into your marriage, into your partnership, into your primary relationship. I think oftentimes the relationships, especially when we have babies, you know, like babies, infants, I feel like from like
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:age four, the kids take up all the space, all of the energy, all of our extra time, all of our. Creativity and emotional
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm. Hahaha
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:think, well, they're an adult. They can figure it out. They're big, right? They know how to problem solve. But these little people, the little person really needs me like the little person's will die without me. But the big
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:They can figure it out. They can solution. They can run just like I can. And sometimes Parenting can suffocate primary relationships, and that doesn't mean that, you know,
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:You really can.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:isn't important or parenting your Children isn't important, but so is pouring into your primary relationship. So I'm say having those conversations and with some of my clients, you know, we call it staff meeting. We call it have a pow wow, but you're that you're carving
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:for your relationship, even if it's a meeting, right? Even if it's just 15
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:a week or 15 minutes a night, but we're turning off devices. We don't have our cell phones out. There's not screens. The TV's not on that. We are sitting across from each other, looking at each other and having a conversation.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yes.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:people to not just make it about negative stuff. Well, you didn't do this or you didn't do that.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, absolutely. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Mm hhmm. Oh yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:So it's, what are we looking forward to, but what are we going to do together? That's going to be fun. what do you need from me in order to help make your week go a little bit more smoothly? it's supporting each other and having conversations about that support, but it's also. carving out time together, you know, that physical time to pour into each other's love languages, you know, whether it's acts of service or quality time or affection or words of affirmation, it's checking in and making sure that our partners are getting the thing that fuels them and having the conversations about what it is that I need more of from you. What is it that you need more of for me? so that sometimes that needs to happen when children are asleep. Sometimes we need to throw some money at the solution and. You know, get a babysitter. Sometimes it means getting the rest of our communities to lean in and, every other Friday night, it's a given that the kids go to my sister's house or your parents house or a godparents house a friend's house so that we have time together. And that may or may not mean that we're going on a date together. Maybe it's just time to sit on the couch and look at each other. Maybe it is. You know, schedule time to share a show together or read something together. But it's, carving out intentional time for that relationship. And I'll just say one last thing, the way I say it to my clients, it's like cultivating a garden and sometimes kids become
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Absolutely.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Like you have these award winning tomatoes, right? The kids are excellent. the rabbits and the deer are eating the rest of the garden. need to protect the
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yes.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:to protect the cucumbers that we need to protect the
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:garden and invest in the entire garden. And there are times there are seasons in which the cucumbers need more attention than the cabbage and that the lettuce needs a little bit more watering than the tomatoes. So it's even checking in with where do we need to. Put our energy as a unit, as a collective, so that we can be successful. But it becomes a week that we're having conversations with our partners that are we, and it's not you versus me.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Absolutely. Yeah. And I would even say, kind of going back to the things that put in place, I would even say sometimes maybe you have to give your kids a little bit of more screen time so that you and your partner can have that alone time to focus on each other. Because I know sometimes people aren't in an area where they have that extended village or they have family or friends that they really trust. At that time to do that and there is still ways to carve out that time even if maybe after the kids are asleep is impossible or early mornings is impossible like they can have a little bit more screen time or they can go run around outside while y'all do this or they can run around in the house while y'all go outside. It's about getting creative and making that a priority.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:absolutely. And you're coming up with a lot of creative solutions. I think the other thing is particularly as children start to get a little bit older. Is it get them bought into it and to say to them, Hey, we're going
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:spend 10 or 15 minutes doing X, even if we're in a room with the door closed, like we're going to be behind closed doors for 10 minutes. You can put us on a timer. You can come knock after the 10 minutes, but not
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah, Oh, yeah, and also that's modeling
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:And getting children bought into the concept of carving out time for certain things. And what in that relationship with time.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:things that you need to do to continue a healthy relationship
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Absolutely.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:continue a strong relationship.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Yeah. Sometimes people are even concerned about, you know, arguing with their partner in front of Children or having disagreements in front of Children. And I think the beauty of that is that the kids see that people don't always get along, but they still love each other and they can still support each other and that it's okay. And it's okay for them to. have a disagreement with someone and express their concerns, and they're still loved afterwards, and they can still feel loved and supported afterwards, that the world doesn't fall apart,
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:that we
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm-hmm
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:problems and come back together.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah. I mean,'cause even thinking about the clients that I have, not all of my clients that struggle with communication in their partnership had parents who, were high conflict. Some of these couples also had parents who they never saw them have disagreement or argument because it all happened behind closed doors. And they didn't get to learn how to have. That kind of conflict or kind of disagreement in a way that was going to be beneficial for the partnership.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:And so then in adulthood, they don't know that it's possible to resolve problems with their partner.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:their voice because they're afraid, like, oh, if I disagree with this person, then it's all going to fall apart or yeah, but it hasn't been modeled for them. And I think it's important for us as parents to, to model those things for our children. Okay.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:created an outline that you can download. If you look in the show notes, I'll link it there. And it is very. Much kind of positive base. So my intention is not for y'all to go into this conversation and feel like we're talking about our problems, but in your talking about even your needs, but in a way your partner is going to hear it. we don't want to have criticism here. What is one thing I can do this week that will help you to feel supported? So questions like that, instead of what is one thing I can do better like that already, puts you kind of like in a defensive position, which I don't want y'all to have. So I created this outline that you can have like a scheduled sit down or do this in bed after the kids have gone to sleep and just start with 15 minutes. Like just do that for yourself.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Yeah, I think that's awesome. And the other thing is it can't be negative every time or somebody is going to start avoiding it anyway. Like, why would we sign up for
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:conversation? I think it should be pleasurable. I had one couple that would, intentionally have their conversations while they're sitting on a bean bag. Caressing each other. So I think both of them, I
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:languages were a physical touch. So we'll
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:okay.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:their conversation and look in each other's eyes. it should be pleasurable. It should be something that we're looking forward to.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah. And I had even recently heard that having these conversations where you can make eye contact. I mean, assuming that No one has a major trigger with eye contact. It is more beneficial than having a side by side conversation in the car because your body can be triggered and go into a fight or flight response with the side by side conversation versus the face to face conversations.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Yeah, I love it. And I think some of that is the, the intentionality, you know, and so being very intentional about even where we're sitting in the house, is it at the dining room table? And does that represent something versus the bedroom? And does the bedroom represent something or the couch, all of those things, and
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:making it a space
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm-hmm
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:people, where both partners feel safe and comfortable and cozy? And maybe we do pair it with other pleasurable things. Maybe a hot chocolate or a hot toddy or blankets or something fuzzy, but again, that it should be a pleasurable experience. And we're even looking at all of our senses, you know, it can be sensual in that sense as well.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm-hmm Absolutely. So shifting the conversation a little bit to people who are not maybe currently in a marriage or relationship, but they have kids and they're looking for that because I know that was something that you had brought up and wanted to talk about, so I wanted to leave space for that as well.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Yeah, and I think I think it can be very age specific, right? Particularly like the age of your
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:and Understanding of what it means for you to date. I think sometimes it can be gender specific sometimes sons versus daughters respond differently to their parent, their father or mother dating someone and what that means. What are your children's understanding or expectations about your relationship with their other parent?
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Hmm. Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:kids have all these notions in their head, right? Like, I think we know that in our generation, there were a lot of kids who weren't spoken to about their parents relationship ending. And sometimes kids thought it was their fault. And so what is your child's
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:of, know, are you and your former partner getting back together? And, what that next person represents, you know? So I think, depending on a
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:too, even thinking about at what point do you let your child meet someone that you're dating? At what point? Do you have conversation with the other parent about dating and, particularly in most states, if you're divorced, it's a lot of times people have it in their parenting plan, like what that looks like. But I'm in the state of Georgia know, the other parent doesn't have to abide by any rules related to introducing you to, a new partner. So some people actually include that in their parenting plans. This is kind of like, you know, as a
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Okay.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:is ending, and that's what I was talking about with like, kind of the rules and boundaries and expectations around introducing children and how are they introduced to new people. And like in the state
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:you're not. Required to introduce your old partner to your new partner. And so sometimes people feel some kind of way about that. Like, Hey, this is a person that's going to be around my kid all the time. I have the right to meet them or maybe vet them. And I'm just going to say one more time in most States, you don't have the right to do that, you know? And so I think that's
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah. Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:in terms of like, what point will you introduce the kids to someone or how will you introduce the kids to someone? And if you're in an amicable relationship, kind of co partnering relationship, maybe even asking for support from that other person, like, Hey, I'm going to, you know, introduce the kids to this person. I want to make sure that you're supporting me in this, that you're reinforcing the fact that this person's a good person or that, you know, that I make good choices or, you know, of those things. But there's a lot to
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:and I think that some of these things are things that maybe people might want to process with their therapist to bring that up in their individual therapy to kind of fit their particular needs.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, yeah. And I would even say, those are things that should be thought about because those are your personal boundaries in dating, right? Like at what point. Would I introduce a partner to my child? Like those are things you do want to think about and actually physically write down for yourself as a reminder Before you even start going into the dating field or the dating field the dating world but if you don't feel like you have Any support from friends or family and like actual support then definitely seek out a therapist because they're going to be able to help you navigate or they can, I'm not saying all of them will, but a therapist can help you to navigate this space, especially if it's been a while since you've been in a dating field
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:And I think the
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:world. No, yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:to even reach out to people who have navigated it. Because one of the things I was going to say too, is being able to anticipate some of the challenges. And we can't always like, not everyone thinks that their son is going to be so possessive of them that. your kids in a completely act out when you introduce them to a person or might refuse to make eye contact with someone or might refuse to shake their hand. I think the other thing is talking to the person that you're dating about what your expectations are of them or what your expectations are of your child. You know I've known situations where, you know, really great guys have dated a woman with a kid. And because he's a great guy, he feels like. the kids should think he's great too and give them hugs. you know, most of us are in a space where we're, we're allowing our children to have body autonomy and maybe not requiring a child to hug someone, but that might feel rude to someone else. Like, Oh, well, the kid didn't speak
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:or. Didn't shake my hand or didn't greet me in a certain way. So even being able to have those conversations, but also like, those aren't the things that we always anticipate going in, like, oh, my, my
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:no, yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:that way towards anyone, but now all of a sudden they're acting so defensive with this individual, but it's important
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:other other people who have navigated the space and find out like what are some of the things that you did? What are some of the best practices? How did you navigate some of these things and what were some of those landmines that you weren't anticipating that you might recommend that I look out for?
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm. And I understand in terms of like, as of right now, you and your child, you're the unit, you're the family. But sometimes that can get confusing because even though, you're a unit, you're a family, you and your child, if you choose to date, like that's still your personal choice as an adult. And it shouldn't be the decision of your child to make for you a decision. Whether or not it's okay for you to date because I've seen that also you had mentioned like someone being a great person and then thinking like the child should act a certain way, but I've also seen women dating a great person, but they're, I mean, it doesn't matter if it's a woman or a man but like someone dating a great person, but their child is like, Not accepting of them, and then they're letting that child make this decision for them when it's not the child's decision. This is you, the adult's decision.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:I agree a thousand percent, but it's also our job as parents to help the kids navigate through that and to
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:what's going on. And that's a change, right? That might be. Very disruptive to the
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:particularly with single mothers, there's lots of data that shows that when it's one kid and one parent, that it's a democratic process that the mother comes
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:the kid and says, what do you want to eat? And then we're going to eat whatever it is that you want to eat. Or, or you get 50 percent of the vote, right? Like you, you introduce another
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:and it shifts the balance for that kid. The kid probably really liked their world the way it was. For the kid, the
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm, yeah. Mm-hmm
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:another person. I rebuke this person. I reject them. Get rid of them. I am voting
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:the island. Cause don't forget, I get 50
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:and they don't. And that's the challenge with childhood, right? Like you don't have as much power and
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah. Mm-hmm
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:it is our job to help them process it and process their concerns. and I go back to the
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Absolutely. Mm-hmm
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:I'll use myself as an example, if this person is coming into my life, I would turn to my daughter if I see her acting out or if she's having a tantrum or if it's passive aggressive or whatever it is that she's doing and ask her, what is that about? What are you feeling? What's going on? Help her to put words to the big feelings. And then maybe when she tells me, I don't know, because she thinks she's doing perfectly fine because this is my kid. She's doing great. If you ask her, then give her the multiple choice. Like, Hey, are you concerned that if I'm dating this person, that's less time for us to spend together? Cause if that's your concern, this is how I'm going to address it. I will make sure that we don't lose our reading together time, our TV time, our, special dinners together. I'm going to protect that time. I'm going to make sure that. That we still have plenty of hugs and kisses. This was a situation I dealt with. And I do think that
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Mm-hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:is extremely she was concerned that I was going to give all my hugs and kisses away to this other person. I am not, I have
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:of
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:My kid is cuddly. I have plenty of hugs and kisses for you, but she doesn't know that because this is new territory for
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:And so I have to be her lighthouse. You know, she sees there is a storm coming, there are ships rocking, and the notion of me being with somebody else completely rocks her boat. I'm the lighthouse, I am the steady state, and I'm the person who offers her stability and security. That I'm not going anywhere, I will always be her mother, there's no one's love that can ever Take my love away from her. And I've actually thought about it. Like, is there anything that would make me stop loving this kid? Absolutely not. So to reassure her that she doesn't have to earn my love, that she has it. And it is stable and safe and secure regardless of whoever comes in and out of
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:You know, so I think it's
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Absolutely.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:kids adjust, but in some cases, it's also helping those adults adjust because you might have somebody, a partner that comes in who doesn't like the way that you parent, who feels like, you know, the way that you're communicating with this child or that child has autonomy in some way, or is allowed to do certain things. And so I think it's also having those conversations with that new person about.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, yeah. Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:relationship with your child so that we can all negotiate these things and talk about what does that look like? I think for kids, some people feel like your child has to like the person that you're dating. I feel like you can't mandate. Feelings. You can't tell a child to like someone, but you can say what respect looks like, and you can require that. Like I can mandate respect that you're not rude to this person, that you're not cutting them off, that you at least I live, you know, we, we live in the South, so I live in Georgia. You have to speak to people when you walk in the room. That's like non negotiable. You cannot walk into a room and not speak to adults
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:But, I also don't like that situation with the hugs. I don't require my daughter to hug anyone. I don't require her to hug her grandfathers. I'm definitely not going to require her to hug a man that I'm dating. So that's something that.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:But both parties need to understand, but you as the central person, as the person who's the parent and dating someone that you're the liaison, you know, you're, you are setting the culture. So in my relationship or in my household, Oh, yeah. that I'm the CEO, the chief emotional officer. So I'm checking in with everyone's
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, I love that.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:I'm helping everyone manage their emotions and manage their feelings around whatever the transition is that we're dealing with.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:So the other thing too is kind of like to help people put this into perspective in terms of like Your child doesn't have to like them, but they have to respect them. We all have family members. I'm going to make a pretty broad statement. I'm sure every one of us here listening has a family member that we just don't like, but we're not going to be rude to them purposefully because we don't like them. Like we're still going to show them respect because they're part of our family, but we don't have to like that.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Yeah. And I feel like with children, you know, these are transferable skills they're developing, right? And that there are teachers and coaches you know,
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:who, yeah, but, but even for in their little world, they're all these adults in their world that we respect, that we learn how to get along with, that it's the same thing when we're introducing this new person
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:code switch and the rules with your teacher might be very different than the rules at grandma's house, but they can't adjust. And so sometimes they're like, but that's not how you do things. So that's not how. We do things, the rules change depending on the environment, but you are adaptable, but sometimes they'll try to use that and weaponize it like, well, that's not what my mom does. Well, the rules are a little bit different at grandma's house or at your aunt's house than they are at our house, but we're going to abide by the rules there, you know.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah, they're put into a situation where they can see dating happening that people who've been in a a two parent household don't get to see. And that doesn't have to be negative. Like that can be a positive experience. If you're dating in a healthy way, that can be a positive experience for your child to see.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:And, you know, some people even treat it like friendships, you know, that mommy has a friend who happens to be of the same sex or the opposite sex. then, it's not as of a concept for children that you see how you're modeling for your children, how you build relationships, how you build healthy relationships, what that looks like, how time is negotiated. Thanks, Kurt. Thank you. And, and modeling
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:as well. I think even as it relates to their own friendships, sometimes friendships get very possessive. Like, Oh, well, this person
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:and not me. And, you know, it's a conversation I had with my daughter when she was in kindergarten, because there was a little girl who was telling other children who could be friends with whom. And I said, That girl doesn't own those relationships. She doesn't own anyone. And you have the capacity of being friends with both people. You don't have to choose, you know? And so I think it's, it's similar.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:in dating that, you're demonstrating your capacity to build relationships, to build healthy relationships, to set boundaries. your tolerance is, how you're communicating your needs with other people, and you can model that and demonstrate that with, your Children. I often share things that happen in my primary relationship with my daughter so that she understands some of the struggles and something recently
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:I was sharing something with her and she was like, Oh, mommy, thank you for advocating for me in that conversation because I was advocating for her. And I want her to know
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Hmm.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:when you're not present, this is how I speak about you. Or this is what I tell people about you so they can understand you better.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah, absolutely.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:I think the last piece about dating that I wanted to just give some consideration to is if you're dating someone else who has children and what that might look like for your children
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yes,
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:meet
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:I meant to bring that up earlier.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:To meet each other, to interact with
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:I think, you know, having those conversations as well. Like, what does that mean for you? Are you treating it like a friendship? Like, are you open to meeting this child who might be, you know, younger than you or older than you? are you comfortable with that? And, preparing both children on both sides for introductions.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Yeah. Yeah. And so I think that also speaks to what is the sweet spot to introducing your kids to someone? And that's definitely something you have to think about for yourself because one, you don't want to introduce them too early. Right. Cause if you don't even know what the situation With you and this person is that's probably not the greatest time to introduce your child to them But you also don't want to wait too long where you're like, oh, yeah, we're ready to get married But your child is just now meeting this person like that's not okay
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Mm hmm. So I would, I would agree. I think there's, I think there's a sweet spot and I think it, a lot of it depends on, you know, temperaments too. I have a friend who has three kids and three kids of three completely different personalities. And so she, she goes in pretty early because she needs the guys that she's dating to understand like. These are these personalities and these three people aren't going anywhere anytime soon. So you have to date me as a unit, as a package, you know, and I want to be sure that you're comfortable with these very distinct, very strong personalities.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Oh, yeah.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:there is the, to your point, there is a too early and there is a like too late. And so where's this place where we can collectively build. So you and your partner, just like. In marriage, like that's the foundation and we do want to make sure that is firm and solid before we start building the second floor and third floor, but making sure that our Children are on the first floor, you know, because if our new partner and the kids don't get along, then that's going to be disruptive to the primary relationship to your relationship with that person that can undermine your relationship with your kids. So again, I think some of its temperament specific. There's a lot of conversation that goes into it, a lot of intentionality that goes into it. And I think that can be processed with friends or with family members. But I would also say that I think it's really important to sit down and process it with a professional, with your therapist and kind of talk about like all of the nuances and considerations.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Absolutely. Well, we are about out of time and I'm like, to be very respectful of my guests time. But if someone is listening right now to Bari and they're like, Oh, I really like what she has to say. I want to learn more about her. I want to get into our world. Or maybe I want to work with her. Like I'm in the state of Georgia and I'm looking for a therapist. what is the best way to get into your world, get into contact you and learn more about you?
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:Yeah, so I'm actually rebuilding my website, but you can always find me at Dr. Tavari, T A V A R I, underscore therapy, and so that's on Instagram and my webpage is there, so you can always link to the webpage there. But I'm really, really excited about, you know, connecting with people and talking about, developmental issues that we all go through all of these changes in life and, there's no good guidebook for every chapter of our lives. I think it's really important to take some time to ourselves and really process and be. Clear with ourselves what our own wants, needs, and desires are, and then to be able to turn to the people in our lives and say, this is what I need. Is that something that you can accommodate or this is what I need. How does that fit with your needs, be it our partners or having those very transparent conversations with our children?
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Absolutely. Well, and then we'll definitely get all of that linked up in the show notes. And whenever your website is ready, we can link that up to you.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:So by the time the show goes out, I'll probably have a new website up. So I'm excited. It's going to be beautiful.
kayla_1_02-28-2025_130731:Awesome. Well, thank you again so much for joining us today. And I hope you have a great rest of your week.
squadcaster-1h0h_1_02-28-2025_140729:My pleasure. You too.