The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Is it really possible to find balance as a mom? Each week, I'll be bringing you inspiring chats, interviews, and dialogues all based around helping moms like you unlock their potential and lead the balanced life they want. If you enjoy listening to topics that help you lead a more balanced life, then you've come to the right place. I'm obsessed with helping moms lead the life they want without the guilt.
With the right information and support, you can find balance in motherhood without sacrificing your needs.
The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Episode 66: How to Build Connection in Tough Moments with Your Partner (Part 2)
Are you reacting or responding in your marriage? When emotions run high, it’s easy to fall into blame, criticism, or resentment. In this episode, we’re continuing the conversation on how to navigate tough moments with your partner—without letting frustration take over.
I break down why old patterns from childhood can make certain conflicts feel bigger than they are and share practical strategies to keep communication open, even when stress levels are high.
💡 Here’swhatwe’llcover:
- How your past influences how you react to your partner.
- What to do when criticism and resentment creep into conversations.
- How to approach tough conversations with curiosity instead of blame.
- Small shifts that make a big difference in creating connection.
Because even in difficult moments, connection is still possible. Listen now and learn how to strengthen your marriage, even when life feels overwhelming.
🎧 Tune in now!
Thank you so much for joining me this week on today's episode. Be sure to follow me on IG @therapy.with.kayla
I love hearing about your insights and aha! moments from the show.
About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed TX-based therapist, business owner, mom of 3, and marketing coach for therapists.
In her private practice, Kayla helps women break free from cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Her holistic approach guides clients toward authentic, fulfilling lives by reconnecting with their intuition, setting boundaries, and building confidence.
Kayla also works with couples, especially parents balancing marriage and family. She offers both traditional couples therapy and focused intensives (6 to 18 hours) to help partners address key issues like communication, trust, and intimacy.
Through empathy and effective therapeutic tools, Kayla helps couples reconnect, thrive, and create healthier, more supportive relationships—benefiting the entire family. Her practice transforms self-doubt and disconnection into growth, healing, and lasting change.
Find Kayla on IG
@therapy.with.kayla
Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com
Free Consultation: Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.
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Hello. Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast with our special series Love After Kids. So this is going to be a part two from the previous episode on how to build connection in tough moments with your partner if you haven't listened to part one of this episode, I highly, highly recommend you pause this and go back to the previous episode and listen to that first, because I'm just going to jump straight into part two, and so if you haven't listened to part one, you might get confused about what I'm talking about here. So definitely go back and listen to part one. For those of you who have already listened, let's jump in. So the reason why I was talking a lot about getting curious with yourself and being able to notice what's coming up for you and why that's important to building connection with your partner and tough moments is because in our marriages we're going to have a lot of tough conversations. Marriage isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows all of the time. Yeah, sometimes we're gonna have those times too, but I'm not talking about those moments. I'm talking about the moments when you are stressed out or your partner is stressed out and y'all need to have a tough conversation. So when you can be curious with yourself, it's going to make it easier for you to be also curious with your partner when they are trying to. Express something really difficult to you. And the reason why it's really important to be able to notice what is coming up for you is because when you've practiced that and can notice things that are coming up for you, it's going to be easier for you to notice some of these triggers that your partner is likely not doing on purpose. So for example, for me, if my partner forgot something And he's like trying to tell me that he forgot about practice today. And if he were to come and tell me like, Kayla, I completely forgot that Lane has practice today. If I don't notice some things that are coming up for me, which are, I'm not allowed to make mistakes, so why are you making this mistake right now? You shouldn't be doing that. other things that come up to that would come up for me when things like this would happen is like, how can you be so irresponsible? Because these are the messages that I heard growing up. Growing up, I was not allowed to make mistakes. I was not allowed to mess up. And so when my partner messes up, my immediate reaction is to criticize him. Like, ugh, how can you do that? Or, why am I supposed to be the one to remember practice all the time? I can't do that and plan dinner, right? So in that moment my husband is just coming to me to let me know that, yeah, he dropped the ball and he recognizes that, but what's coming up for me is different. But I don't have to react with that because I've practiced noticing these things, I can immediately see like, oh, this is me. This is my stuff. This is not his stuff. And when I allow him to just talk about it and. am curious in asking him questions and allowing him to lean on me for support, that conversation is gonna go so much better and I'm not gonna shut him down. Because what happens when we criticize or come into something with contempt and contempt is when we are talking in a way where we think we're better or we are kind of more superior. That's gonna shut your partner down and they're not gonna wanna come to you when they make mistakes or they're not gonna wanna help because they're afraid they're going to do something wrong or they're not gonna do it the way that you do it. And they kind of just like wipe their hands a bit or they just like learn that it's just easier if you do it. But this is not helpful for us because. We can't be the only one doing everything. So part of this is allowing your partner to come to you and tell you that they made the mistake, even though you probably would not make that same mistake. But you have to notice all of that stuff first.'cause if you're not noticing these things that are coming up for you. You are gonna continue to blame your partner and be really frustrated and resentment's gonna build up for you because you are gonna end up probably taking over because that's what happened to me too. I would just take over everything and I wouldn't allow my husband to do things because I was so scared that he was gonna drop the ball. Or he was not going to maybe do it in the way that I would do it. And honestly, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if your husband or your partner is not doing things in the way that you would do them as long as it gets done. Because what really matters is that both partners are sharing in all of the tasks and mental responsibility of the marriage and the household. Okay. And so that's why it's really important to be able to notice what is coming up for you. so to continue with that example of him coming and telling me that he forgot soccer practice, my response now is likely like, oh, well that sucks. Do you need some help with. Figuring out a way to remember for next time. but like saying that like our tone matters, so saying that in a way where you're not being like, oh yeah, I knew you forgot that. Right? Like typical. Do you want me to remind you? your fallback should not be like, do you need me to do something so that you remember? If anything, you're just offering like, Hey, let's brainstorm some stuff that might be helpful so that you don't forget next time. Like, I know Lane is probably gonna be disappointed that he missed soccer practice. so that's what I'm meaning. when you can notice what's coming up for you. You leave this conversation open to be more like you're working as a team instead of working against each other. a lot of these triggers are from how you were raised. And what was and wasn't allowed to happen. When you were growing up from like your parents or other authority figures in your life, and you and your partner were likely raised different. Like for myself, like I said earlier, I wasn't allowed to make mistakes. If I got anything less than an A, my parents' response would be, you are better than that, or You need to do better next time. or we know what you're capable of. And honestly this thing that they're saying is like, no, you need to be perfect. Right? we can make mistakes. We're allowed to make mistakes, and that's how we learn. And my husband was the opposite. He had basically like free reign to do whatever he wanted it. I mean, not his fault. He was raised by a single mom and she worked all of the time. And because of this, he really didn't have anyone to keep him accountable or to set consequences for him. whereas me, any little mistake that I made, I was immediately grounded or something was taken away, and that is triggering for me because I became an adult who was so scared of doing something wrong. Because those things were in the back of my mind, like, oh my God, if I mess up, then I'm somehow gonna get in trouble, even though I'm an adult and I'm the one who needs to keep myself accountable. But those things follow us. so when I would see my husband, you know, like dropping the ball, right? It was triggering for me and I couldn't wrap my mind around like, how can you forget something like that? But that's because. we were raised differently, and that's not to say that we are incompatible because the thing that I was attracted to my husband the most was his adventurous spirit and his ability to kind of like be spontaneous and do things in the moment. But what that translates to after having kids isn't helpful, right? Like, because when you have kids, it's really hard to do things that are spontaneous and in the moment and we actually have to remember stuff. So that was really hard to get over. But one of the things that makes it easier is offering this curiosity and being curious about what's going on for them because they might not have had an opportunity to figure out like what works for them. My husband really never had an opportunity to figure out what worked for him, like how can he remember some things because. He never really had to like things worked out for him So all that to say, when we can get curious, allow our partner to actually. Be able to have conversations with us and when we can notice the things that are triggering for us and what's coming up for us, you are gonna have better conversations because you're not gonna be taking things personally. because sometimes when we're having these tough conversations. And we're hearing our partner struggles. Sometimes it can be easy for us to think like, well, that must mean I'm doing something wrong, or That must be mean. I'm not supporting them in the right way. When that is a question that you can ask but that is not for you to assume. But it can be really easy to assume if you've grown up. Reading people and trying to guess what it is that you need to do for them, or what they need from you because they never actually verbally said it. And these are things that don't just come naturally for us, especially if you've had a guess for a really long time. so that will only be easier to do. If you're noticing what is coming up for you and when you can do that, having these tough conversations and connecting over tough circumstances and being able to support your partner will happen much easier. And I do want to hit again that even if y'all are in a tough spot, connection can still happen even if you are. Really stressed or your partner's really stressed. Connection can still happen in those moments. It's just gonna look a little bit different. You don't have to make your partner feel better. You don't have to make your partner's problems go away. You just have to be there to listen to their concern and take their side. But that is all that I have for this part two of the episode. I would love to hear any of the questions that you might have about this, because I want this also to be a place where you can come and ask questions and me being able to answer them for you, because some of these things might be topics that you really haven't heard or maybe. You are struggling with kind of wrapping your mind around like how you would do this in a specific circumstance that I might not have talked about. So feel free to send me questions, put them in the comments if you're watching it on YouTube or you can send me an email@kaylanettleton.com or kayla@kaylanettleton.com. or you can also find me on Instagram and send me a DM at therapy Do Kayla. But that is all for now and I look forward to hanging out with you in the next episode.