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The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Is it really possible to find balance as a mom? Each week, I'll be bringing you inspiring chats, interviews, and dialogues all based around helping moms like you unlock their potential and lead the balanced life they want. If you enjoy listening to topics that help you lead a more balanced life, then you've come to the right place. I'm obsessed with helping moms lead the life they want without the guilt.
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The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Episode 62: Building a Secure Relationship: Attachment Styles & Connection After Kids
Does your relationship ever feel harder than it should be? Maybe you and your partner just keep missing each other—like you're speaking different languages when it comes to emotional connection. You’re not alone!
In this episode, we dive deep into attachment styles and how they impact your relationship after kids. If you've ever wondered why you react the way you do—or why your partner pulls away or needs constant reassurance—this conversation is for you. And no, attachment theory isn’t just about red flags—it’s about creating safety and connection.
Tune in as we explore:
- How your attachment style was shaped by early experiences
- Why "anxious" and "avoidant" partners often find each other
- The small shifts that can create a more secure relationship
- Real-life strategies for navigating triggers and deepening intimacy
Your relationship isn’t doomed because of different attachment styles—you just need the right tools to understand each other better. Let’s dive in!
🎧 Listen now and start building the security you both deserve.
About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed TX-based therapist, business owner, mom of 3, and marketing coach for therapists.
In her private practice, Kayla helps women break free from cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Her holistic approach guides clients toward authentic, fulfilling lives by reconnecting with their intuition, setting boundaries, and building confidence.
Kayla also works with couples, especially parents balancing marriage and family. She offers both traditional couples therapy and focused intensives (6 to 18 hours) to help partners address key issues like communication, trust, and intimacy.
Through empathy and effective therapeutic tools, Kayla helps couples reconnect, thrive, and create healthier, more supportive relationships—benefiting the entire family. Her practice transforms self-doubt and disconnection into growth, healing, and lasting change.
Find Kayla on IG
@therapy.with.kayla
Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com
Free Consultation: Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.
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Hello, hello everyone. And welcome back to Love After Kids, a special series within the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast. And I'm your host Kayla Nettleton. Today we're starting part two on the episode of talking about attachment. so we can better understand our own attachment styles to then be able to work on certain things that can lead us feeling more secure in our marriages specifically. So, If you haven't listened to Part 1, I highly encourage you to go back and listen to Part 1 because if you're confused about what attachment styles are or if you need a refresher on what attachment styles are and the different definitions of each and what they look like and how that can be triggered, definitely go back and listen to Part 1. If you feel like you have a strong, sense of what attachment styles are, I still would recommend listening to part one because I have framed these attachment styles for you to be able to kind of look internally on yourself and not view these attachment styles as red flags because what I have noticed is when people are talking about attachment styles they're talking about them in a way that you should notice these and their red flags and you should run away. But for us in this context, most of y'all that are listening are married or in a longterm relationship that you do not plan on leaving. So all of those conversations to run for the hills if you're, one attachment style and your partner is another, that's not helpful for you. So I want to give you some practical things in this episode to help you to realize that just because y'all have different attachment styles, it does not mean that your relationship is, doomed. So if you're not coming into this kind of with that mindset, I really, really encourage you to go back to episode one to view that, do some internal reflection on your own attachment style, which I have an exercise in there we're just going to dive right in. Hopefully you went back and listened to episode part one. Okay. So, I wanted to talk a little bit about my own attachment style first because in doing this episode I've also been reflecting on my own and I have reached a point where I feel I am more secure in my attachment style and part of that is because I'm feeling really secure in my marriage, in my relationship. But prior to that I leaned heavily into an anxious attachment style. So a little bit of background about me. I was from a predominantly Hispanic town. I'm also Hispanic, Hispanic household family. And my parents both worked a lot. My dad was in law enforcement. My mom was in the medical field. She's a nurse. So, kind of knowing that. that background, they both had chaotic schedules. And I stayed a lot with my grandmother or different grandparents. I was lucky to have lots of grandparents. Part of that was cause my parents were also really young when they had me. So I think my mom was 19 or 20 when she became pregnant with me and then I was born. so my parents were also really young themselves. When you think of yourself 1920, like sure, you're an adult, but you're still kind of a kid. Right. And so that was them too. so the other thing to remember, like your attachment styles are set based on your perspective, like as a baby, as a child. Okay. And so from my perspective back then, I really wanted my parents around, but they were working all of the time. and when they weren't working, they were, you know, hanging out with their friends or they were going out of town. And so we were constantly left with my grandparents. Again, this is from my perspective as a child. Okay. My sister might have a different perspective. My parents might even have a different perspective on how they viewed what they were doing to care for us, but it's not to put any blame on your parents. Like they did the best they could with the information they had. And so as you're reflecting, this might also be bringing stuff up for you. it's not uncommon to kind of feel like. a little bit angry or sad or disappointed of all of the things that are coming up for you and realizing how your own attachment style may have been formed. And so one of the things that I was really thinking about that made me realize more, yeah, I did have an anxious attachment style was as a kid growing up, whenever my parents went out, no matter how late they got home, I was awake. Because I was always scared that they were not going to come back. I had this thought that my parents were like going to die in a car accident or something was going to happen and they weren't going to come home. And now looking back, I'm like, Whoa, that was clearly I had like more anxious attachment style because I wasn't given some of those things that I was needing and looking for in terms of comfort and care as a child. so the way that attachment style then came up in my relationship is I needed to be able to have immediate access to my partners. speaking specifically in my marriage now, or like even in the early parts of my marriage or relationship, not even, I mean, we've, we got married in 2018, but we've been together since 2015. So early on in our relationship, I needed him to respond to my messages and calls as soon. As I, like, ended the call or sent the message. that was a problem early on in our relationship because for me, I wasn't getting, these responses. I wasn't feeling safe that he was going to continue in this relationship. That's kind of what it was, like, making me feel. That if I didn't get an immediate response, something must be happening. And I'm not saying, like I was thinking he was cheating or going behind my back, just he wasn't paying attention to me. And so we have worked through that. There are other ways that my attachment style has come up. And one thing that I want to also highlight here is just because that's something that you were really wanting from your partner. Doesn't mean that that's a behavior that you also do. Because I really wanted my husband to immediately respond. And I would get annoyed because I'm like, are you not looking at your phone? Like in your back pocket. Like, how do you not hear, how do you not pay attention? But then I would go out with my girlfriends and I would do the same thing because I just was so in the moment that I really wasn't looking. or checking my phone because I was so deep in conversation with them. I know that's not always the case now. I know a lot of us have our phone in our hand, like right in front of us on the table. So we become, I guess, hyper aware of when someone is and isn't communicating with us, but it was a little bit of a wake up call for me. In terms of like, Oh, okay. Like this is something that I wanted, but I also wasn't doing the same thing in return and a little bit of background too, early on in our relationship, my husband and I got into this relationship like a little bit chaotically meaning we started dating in the summer. And then a few months later I became pregnant so this relationship really wasn't started off in the safest of ways. Like we didn't have this long courtship or we weren't dating for a while and then you know, that stuff didn't happen. I felt like we were kind of just like thrown into this relationship. And then after becoming pregnant, it was like, okay, now we have to be super serious about this. And that will mess with you. It's like, are they here because they want to be here or are they here? Because now there's a responsibility that we have to take care of. Right. so I wasn't feeling safe. And so these were some of my own triggers that were coming up, but I'm telling you this story because here we are 10 years later and we are in such a good place because we've done some of these things that I'm about to tell you right now. So I probably should have led with this, but in today's episode I'm going to be talking about. So I'm going to talk about four different things that you can be doing now to build that security within your relationship. so the other thing too, I don't want you to go into this and think that the goal is for you to have a secure attachment style. That is just going to put a lot of pressure on you to change some things that can take a little bit to change. the goal that I want you to have in mind is how can I feel safe in my relationship? how can we make a secure relationship? Because that's the ultimate goal. even if you still lean more towards anxious, or your partner leans more towards avoidant. if you feel secure and safe in your relationship, those different attachment styles are not going to be triggered. Okay. So I want you to focus on how can we create a safe and secure relationship. And now we're going to dive into some of those things that you can do to get more secure in your relationship. within these things, I'm also going to be giving examples of different ways that your attachment style can kind of show up and how some of these triggers can play out in a real life scenario. Okay. So I want you to picture this. there is a couple and they're sitting in the living room. One person has an anxious attachment style. And this person is like hanging out, watching TV. Their partner is also hanging out in the living room with them. And then all of a sudden their partner just gets up and goes to the room. And the person that has an anxious attachment style, they're thinking, Oh my gosh, what did I do? They must be wrong with me. Because when we have an anxious attachment style, our fear is abandonment. So, things like that are going to cross your mind more easily. Someone who has a secure attachment style, if they were in that same scenario and their partner just like got up, walked away and went to the other room, their automatic thought is not going to be, Oh my gosh, they must be mad at me. Their immediate thought might be, Huh, I wonder where they went. Or maybe they wouldn't have even thought anything. when they saw their partner leave and walk to the other room. so that's just one example of how our attachment triggers can play out. Okay. so, what do we do? Right? So the first thing is bringing awareness. So if you are not aware of When your attachment triggers kind of play out, then there really isn't a whole lot that you can do. So the first thing is being able to notice those triggers when they're happening and giving yourself the space to reflect on those. one thing that I want you to try, and I know this isn't going to be difficult in the beginning, but I promise it's going to get easier as you practice this. I want you to really start paying attention to when you start kind of feeling like, you lean more towards an anxious, attachment style, you might feel like more nervous, overwhelmed. And if you lean more towards a, avoidant attachment style, you might start feeling more pressured or constrained. So whenever you're starting to feel that way in response to something that your partner is doing, I want you to stop and ask yourself, is this an old pattern that's surfacing or is there a current threat? And if you're like, current threat, what? The reason that I'm asking you current threat is because our attachment style is tied to our nervous system. So what our nervous system is trying to Will track as life threatening danger are things that are unfamiliar to us. Even if those unfamiliar things are really healthy and safe. for example, if you grew up in a household where things were just swept under the rug, things weren't really talked about, they were just ignored and it was like, just pretend everything is fine. So, When someone comes to you and tells you they have a problem, your nervous system is going to freak out because it's like what are you talking about? Like, there's no problem. We just sweep everything under the rug and pretend like everything's okay. What are you talking about? Something's wrong here. I need to, I need to flee because we're in danger, something awful is going to happen. And that's because that is very unfamiliar to you. what our nervous system is going to deem as safe is that familiarity, is that thing that we know is going to happen. So that's what I mean by, is there an actual current threat? Okay. So again, when you start feeling overwhelmed or these. feelings coming up based on something that your partner is or isn't doing. Ask yourself, is this an old pattern resurfacing or surfacing or is there a current threat? is my life in danger? because For the most part, there's probably not going to be like an actual threat to your life. So you are noticing like, okay, this is a pattern, this is a pattern for me. There's no current threat. I am safe, like safe as in I, there's no threat to my life. Then you want to practice communicating these things to your partner. And I know that's hard and scary. But once you have been able to identify like, Oh wow, I have this recurring pattern. You can problem solve that with your partner. and when you're problem solving this with your partner, cause you were like, well, how do I bring this up? the best way to do that is what is called a gentle startup. So in the Gottman method, they talk about a gentle startup because they have found that in the first three minutes of a conversation really sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. So if you start the conversation with like, Oh, and you didn't text me again, the rest of that conversation is not going to go well. So a gentle startup starts with your feeling about something and what you need. So for example, I feel really disconnected when I don't hear from you for hours. Can we agree on a quick check in during the day? So another example is like a personal example, my husband goes to our ranch on the weekends and we'll do some work there. And for a long time I would get really frustrated because he wouldn't let me know when he was coming back. Or if he stopped on the way home to, I don't know, chat with friends or he visited his mom. He didn't think to tell me because in his mind, it's like no big deal. In his mind, he is like, I'm gonna just go in real quick and then I'm gonna leave. I'm just gonna go in and say hi. I'm But, sometimes that I'm going to go in and say hi, turns into 30 minutes to an hour. so if on the days that he did tell me he was going to leave and coming back home, I know how long it takes to get from the ranch to our house. So if he doesn't, my mind automatically goes into like, Oh my gosh, he got into a car accident, something's wrong. So, I had to tell him, like, Hey, I love you. But I get really scared when you don't get home on time. Like, when you don't get home by, like, that time that it takes to get to the ranch. Like, I started freaking out. So, can we, like, figure out a better way to get to the ranch? So, like, you remember to tell me when you're leaving or when you're gonna stop. And so, the reason that that helped is because I'm not just telling him, like, what he needed to do. I'm trying to come at this in a way where, like, okay, how can we work together to figure out this problem? Like, I totally understand. Cause like, in his mind, when we actually had this conversation, he was like, Well, the service kinda sucks at the ranch. And I was like, You know, I totally get that. But, you have to get off your truck to close the gate. So, when you do that, do you think you can remember, like, right when you get back in the truck, text me. And he was like, Oh, you know what, you're right. And so, Those kinds of things, Sure, like, This wasn't an immediate, Oh my God, things are better. it still took some time for him to remember, but also when he would remember, I would also thank him like, Oh, thank you. I appreciate that because that encouragement is going to help him to remember also, because I know sometimes when we're asking for our partner to do something that We think like, Oh yeah, but they should be doing that. Why do I need to thank them? Well, the, the, the gratitude piece is that reinforcement of, I am so thankful that you're doing this, even though it's something that I requested of you, I'm still grateful that you're doing it because it helps me to feel safe. Right? And so when y'all are coming up with different things and figuring out, how are we going to make this work for us, I'm really wanting you to think of what is going to help us feel safe and secure in our relationship. because you have to think about this in terms of the relationship, in terms of not just of you're just thinking about yourself and not your partner, because it takes two. Both of your needs need to be met. Both of y'all need to feel secure. in the relationship. Okay. So to make things clear, the first piece of this, the first thing that I want you to be doing is really noticing these triggers when they're coming up for you and thinking to yourself, like, is this an old pattern resurfacing or is there a current threat? Practice that first. And once you start noticing these things. Then you can communicate what you've learned to your partner and y'all can brainstorm what can be done about this so that you are each feeling secure. And I recommend doing this together. So this is going to work best if y'all are doing this together as a couple. I'm not saying like, well, if your partner is unwilling, then forget it. Don't try. No. If your partner is like totally unwilling to do this, you can still do this on your own. But if your partner is open minded and willing to try, that is going to work best. So the next thing that's going to be helpful in a healthier and more secure feeling relationship is by practicing co regulation. so co regulation is anything from holding hands, giving each other a hug, having conversation in a way that y'all are making eye contact. That's co regulation. And the reason co regulation is helpful is because this is an easy space to start building trust for someone. who has more of an avoidant attachment style. So remember, someone who has more of an avoidant attachment style is afraid of losing their independence. they are very uncomfortable with vulnerability. so the co regulation piece can help building that sense of safety. that someone who does have more of an avoidant attachment style can start to feel more secure in being vulnerable and opening up to you. So I see this often working with parents who are new parents when arguments or conflict really wasn't an issue for them, but all of a sudden They have a new baby or now they're dealing with the toddler years and they don't feel like they're on the same page And they feel like they're fighting all the time, and part of that is because when we get into certain arguments, especially when we're doing something that's new, like we're new parents, your nervous system, going back to the nervous system, is going to be activated. And so when our nervous system is activated and goes into a fight, flight, or freeze response, It's really hard for us to, think straight, to think logically, because it's, trying to save us from a threat to our life. And when our emotions have escalated, like you're really mad, or highly irritated, your nervous system will react and respond. so when you can notice that you're escalating or when your partner is escalating, it's good to do some co regulation. you can regulate on your own, but if you are someone who has more of an anxious attachment style, That might be hard for you. Just as someone who has an avoidant attachment style, it might be difficult for you to do co regulation. So those are two things that you both want to practice. someone with a more anxious attachment style, I would really recommend you practicing some regulating exercises that you can do on your own, such as a deep breathing exercise, doing a Progressive muscle relaxation. So a deep breathing exercise can be any kind of breathing exercise, whether that's guided or not. And a progressive muscle relaxation is literally kind of like tensing up your muscle and holding it. like I'm doing my hands, like squeezing as tight as you're as tight as you can and then releasing it. But doing it with every single part of your body, starting from Your face, you just like scrunch your face and you hold it and you scrunch it as tight as you can. And then you release. that's a progressive muscle relaxation, but you start from like your face, then you get like your shoulders and you tense your arms, your hands. You can tense your glutes and then like scrunch your toes. Doing that can help. so during these co regulation and solo regulation exercises, the point of the exercise is just to get you out of your head and into your body. when we are taking a break, the break isn't so you can go and ruminate on all of the things that you wish you said or can say to your partner. It's really about like bringing down those elevated feelings like getting into your body and getting present. And so I just talked a little bit about like a self regulating exercise. So the deep breathing a progressive muscle relaxation. You can also do grounding techniques whether that's kind putting a hot or cold compression on your neck or eating something that's super spicy or super sour, or doing that grounding technique a lot of people do is like what are five things you see, four things you hear, three things you can touch, and two things you can smell. You can go for a walk, that can also be a co regulating exercise, being able to go on a walk together, or you can journal. Some more co regulating exercises are hugs, holding hands, cuddling, or another kind of physical affection. You can also talk about the feelings that are coming up for you. If that's something that you can actually name, you can just sit side by side or you can do an activity together that's so unrelated. And This will all be easier if you have a conversation about it beforehand. you make a game plan of, okay, what do we do when we're feeling escalated? If things are getting more escalated or heated, what signal can we give to each other or ourselves about that we are going to be okay with because sometimes you're like, Oh, let's just say like no one likes, you need to calm down. Right? Like that would probably not go well for people. you need to calm down. We need to take a break. that's probably not going to go well. Right? So y'all need to come up with something that you both can agree on that will likely go over well. And it doesn't have to be something serious. It can be something silly. It can be like, I'm trying to think, I don't know, you do a funny face or a hand signal. Something where you both know and have agreed on, this is what we're going to do to signal each other that we need to take a break and this is what we're going to try. Okay? And when it comes to these self regulating and co regulating exercises, it's really important to practice those during times when you're not actually high escalated because when you're trying to practice something that's calming when you're really escalated and that's the only time you're practicing it, it's likely not going to work because you haven't built in any of that muscle memory to know like, okay, this is what I'm going to do when I'm not in a great state. And this is partially the reason why people have trouble with, breathing exercises and meditation and why they say they don't work is because the only time that they're trying to practice those things is when they're, like, highly anxious or, like, in a really elevated state. It doesn't work if you don't practice them also when you're, in a better, calmer mood. So the next thing that is really helpful, for someone who has more of an anxious attachment style, but it's also really helpful for someone who has an avoidant attachment style because it helps them to slowly build that, sense of security and safety to be vulnerable in a small amount of time. As parents, it is really easy for us to kind of stop, talking to each other. I mean, think about the last time you had, a sit down conversation with your partner. If this isn't something that you are actively committed to, it's possible that you don't actually have a sit down conversation. I'm even thinking about people who, work, right? They work eight to 8 to 5 or whatever. And then maybe their kids have sports and so they have to take their kid to practice and then they maybe get takeout for dinner and eat it at the fields or they are eating it really quick and then they go to bed, right? then you feel like you're doing that over and over and over again and then when's the time you had with your partner? so, Having a designated time where you just check in with each other and you make sure you have a conversation every day even if it's just for 10 minutes can be really helpful for both a person with an anxious attachment style and someone who also has an avoid an attachment style because if you're someone who has an anxious attachment style knowing that you're have this time with your partner every day to chat and catch up will help you feel more secure in your relationship and for someone who has a more avoidant attachment style this is also going to help you practice that vulnerability in a smaller snippet of time and you're not feeling all of this pressure to oh my gosh we have to sit here for 30 minutes or have an hour long conversation and so this will help both of y'all So if you're someone who likes some kind of structure, like, Oh, what are we talking about in those ten minutes? And if you're like, What? How can they not, like, talk about anything for ten minutes? Well, you know, sometimes, you have just lost touch with each other that you don't even know what to talk about. So, two things you can talk about during this 10 minutes is just talk about one really great thing that went on during your day. And it doesn't have to be really great, just something great, like a high point. And then maybe talk about one low point, one thing that didn't really go well, or maybe didn't go the way you planned. And then switch places. My husband, works in a job that, nothing really happens throughout the day. And it's kind of like the same thing every day, but he will still find something to bring up. And it takes a little bit of creativity. And the reason I say creativity is because it's not always obvious. Like you go to the same job every day. Your, your partner may go to the same job every day. And so those things just might seem irrelevant to you, but your partner isn't there with you. So some of these things that you were like, Oh, well, it was nothing they might find interesting. And so you never know until you bring it up. the point of this 10 minutes is not to try and solve any problems. This is just to connect. So don't go into this saying like, I'm going to use my part of the 10 minutes to talk about this one thing that I've been wanting to tell them so that they can fix. No, this is really just a connection point. And if you have other time during the day, do that then, but don't bring it into this 10 minutes. You want this 10 minutes to be a safe space where you both can feel heard and understood and where you both, can practice taking each other's side. One of the things that Is huge and kind of like turns people away from bringing things to your partner is when their partner comes out things And it's like well. I mean I understand their side or well your boss isn't wrong Nothing's gonna turn your partner away from telling you stuff than things like that when you're in this like 10 minute However long that you want to have this conversation, this daily ritual where you're really connecting, you always, no matter what, have your partner's side. And later on, if they want, right, they might not want your opinion. If they want your opinion, then you can bring it up then. And lastly, something that is going to really, really help the connection and your relationship is repair. So, when we've made a mistake, and the mistake doesn't have to be something big, like, or maybe you said the wrong thing, or maybe your partner interpreted something that you said in a different way, prepare, apologize. And not just apologize, but also take ownership for that piece. Like, going back to the example when I was telling my husband of like, Hey, like, I really need you to let me know when you go to the ranch or when you're stopping to tell someone hi. And mainly because when you tell someone hi, it's not just like quick. Hi. It's like, Hey, and then he probably has a beer or something and then they get chatting and then before he knows it, an hour goes by. And that was a quick chat. That's just because that's how he is. And, and I know this about them and it's, and it's fine, but I just like knowing what's going on because that makes me feel safe when I know what's going on. So when I brought this up, And I had like told him, I'm like, yeah, babe, I have no problem with you stopping by your uncle's house or stopping by your friend's house and saying hi, but your really quick hi is like an hour. And he's, he like nodded his head and he was like, you're right. You're right. It is, it is never a quick five minute. It is, it does go over. And so like. for him to admit like, yeah, you're right. that meant a lot because I knew that he heard me. So also being able to take responsibility for just even a small part of what your partner is wanting from you. Okay. And like, no relationship is perfect, but the healthiest couples. can repair after conflict. And when you can repair, it, I'm not saying like it completely erases the conflict, but it makes conflict so much easier to happen. Because you're not afraid of your, partner hating you or being mad or like being passive aggressive later because you've repaired. And, so, we can go on a really long conversation about, what repairs look like, but when you come down to it, it's just acknowledging what you did that may have been interpreted wrong, or what you did that was maybe actually wrong as soon as you can, okay? And so putting this all together, going back to like really talking about the attachment styles, your attachment style is not a life sentence. There are things that you can do to make your relationship more secure and more safe. And again, I want you to focus on having your relationship be secure and not necessarily having your attachment style. Be secure because when you have a secure relationship and you feel safe in a relationship, that is automatically going to help you to lean more towards a secure relationship. Okay. And again, I don't want you to like run to your partner and say like, Hey, these are all the things that you need to do to change. I want you to invite them in to Listen to these podcast episodes with you and go through some of these exercises. I know that I probably could have done a better job of giving you more examples and explaining, but I'm hoping that this is a good start because these are some of the first episodes to Life After Kids. And I know that practicing some of these things is going to help you because they've also helped me. and building a more secure relationship and marriage with my husband. And so I hope that you continue to join me in listening to love after kids, and I will talk to y'all next week.