Episode 61: Strengthening Connection: Why Attachment Styles Matter in Marriage

Ever wondered why you and your partner clash—or why one of you pulls away when things get emotional? In this episode, we’re talking about attachment styles and how they shape our ability to connect. If you’ve ever thought, “Why doesn’t my partner understand me?”—you’re not alone, and this episode is for you.

You’ll learn:

• What attachment styles are and how they develop
• The difference between anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure attachment
• How to stop attachment struggles from creating distance in your relationship

By understanding your attachment style, you can start building a healthier, more connected partnership.

🎧 Tune in now and let us know your thoughts! 

About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed TX-based therapist, business owner, mom of 3, and marketing coach for therapists.

In her private practice, Kayla helps women break free from cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Her holistic approach guides clients toward authentic, fulfilling lives by reconnecting with their intuition, setting boundaries, and building confidence.

Kayla also works with couples, especially parents balancing marriage and family. She offers both traditional couples therapy and focused intensives (6 to 18 hours) to help partners address key issues like communication, trust, and intimacy.

Through empathy and effective therapeutic tools, Kayla helps couples reconnect, thrive, and create healthier, more supportive relationships—benefiting the entire family. Her practice transforms self-doubt and disconnection into growth, healing, and lasting change.

Find Kayla on IG
@therapy.with.kayla

Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com

Free Consultation: Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.

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Transcript

kayla-nettleton_1_02-05-2025_130903: 1:02

Hello. Hello everyone. And welcome back to a Love After Kids, a special series within the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast. And I'm your host Kayla Nettleton. I am so excited to be doing another solo cast for you. And this is going to be, I mean, this is not going to be a long one, but I'm going to split it up into two parts because this first one is going to include some stuff that I'm going to want you to kind of sit on and think about and figure out for yourself. And so our topic is going to be about attachment. And so I'm sure you've probably heard about attachments, but unfortunately, It's been put out there for a lot of people, kind of like in the dating world. And unfortunately what has happened is people are taking attachment styles and using them as red flags to watch out for in people. And for most of y'all here, I know that y'all are married or in a committed long term relationship. So we don't actually have to go onto that soapbox right now. And if you're thinking, okay, maybe I've heard of attachment styles or what is attachment styles, but attachment styles are patterns of behavior. That stem from early childhood experiences with caregivers. so now if you're thinking like, okay, what does this have to do with my marriage and how's it going to help me? Well, these patterns of behavior can get in the way of you and your partner being able to connect and being able to even do things together sometimes. So based on our different attachment styles, We can feel really comfortable being intimate or feel uncomfortable being intimate and that's not just talking about sex. This is talking about like holding hands, cuddling, going on dates. And when we understand our attachment styles and how it may or may not be impacting our relationship, We can then do something about it versus just being frustrated about why you feel like your partner never wants to spend time with you, or why you get so frustrated that they just don't understand you want them to text you when they're on their way home, or to respond to your text during work, or you can't understand Why they can't wrap their mind around the fact that you want alone time, or maybe you want to hang out with friends. So when you can better understand your attachment style, you can then do something so that you can better connect with each other in partnership. And so today's episode is all about helping you understand the different attachment styles and how you can figure out which one maybe you fall or lean into more. And then in part two, we will then talk about, okay, well now what, now that you understand your attachment style, how can you better the relationship and connect? But we have to start here first. Okay, so there are four different styles of attachment and we're going to get into each one of them, but let me just listen them out. There's anxious attachment, there is avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, and secure attachment. Now, if you've heard about attachment in the past and you're thinking, well, I have maybe like an anxious attachment style. And my husband in this avoidant attachment style, I've heard that we're doomed. Well, no. It doesn't necessarily mean you are doomed. It's just right now, y'all are probably having a really hard time connecting because those are basically opposite attachment styles. Again, I know if you don't know the definitions right now, that's okay. We're going to get into them. But what I don't Want you to focus too much on is like well, how do I not be this attachment style? I really just want you to focus on where you lean and where these things come up, because these attachment styles were formed in early childhood. This was based on how you were given care and attention as a child. so let's start with going into anxious attachment. An anxious attachment style is a form of insecure attachment that forms between a baby and an inconsistent caregiver. So from the perspective of the baby, they can't be sure when and if Their parent is going to be emotionally and physically available to them. So they were kind of like, guessing. Like, I don't know if my mom is going to come and help me to feel better. I don't know if they're going to be able to support me through this. So they were kind of like, always guessing, kind of always on edge. As adults, people with anxious attachment are often hyper focused. So some of their core fears for people who have a more anxious attachment style is their fear of abandonment or rejection. And some of the behaviors that they might have are overthinking, seeking validation and reacting emotionally when they feel ignored or insecure. And some of the common triggers to these behaviors are delays in communication. So thinking about those text messages, not getting maybe like an instant, reply or not replying in a timely manner. Other triggers are feeling like they're too much or partners being emotionally unavailable. So some of these things can trigger those behaviors and the way this can show up in conflict. It is anxious partners may escalate arguments to regain emotional closeness, even if it creates short term conflict. So they often feel a need to talk it out immediately, which like I said earlier, could butt heads with someone who is avoidant and doesn't want to talk about it immediately. So now we're getting into the avoidant attachment style. avoidant attachment is most likely to form. When a caregiver doesn't provide a baby with sufficient emotional support, the caregiver's responsiveness to the baby most likely ends with caring for the physical needs, like feeding and bathing. But the caregiver doesn't provide the emotional comfort the baby also needs. So they're getting all of that like basic, terms of food, shelter, hygiene, but the emotional piece is missing. So in that environment, the baby learns not to rely on others to care for their emotional needs. And so as adults. Avoidant individuals are self reliant and often withdraw when the emotions become overwhelming. They value independence and can feel smothered in relationships, leading them to distance themselves emotionally or physically. Their core fears are fear of being. Engulfed, controlled, or losing independence. Some of their behavior signs are pulling away after moments of closeness, prioritizing independence, and emotionally detaching during conflict. So sometimes they'll just kind of like stonewall, they won't be there anymore. They're not paying attention, or you might feel like they're not listening. And some of the triggers to these behaviors are partner's demands for emotional closeness, vulnerability, or frequent check ins can have them feel like they're suffocating and how it shows up in conflict. Like I said, they may stonewall, shut down. Or say things like this conversation is going nowhere. And they often avoid discussions involving emotional vulnerability. So right now, if you're thinking of your partner and you're like, Oh, they're, they're anxious or they're avoided. I want you to stop right now because I want you to be focusing on. You, this is about you figuring out where you lean in these attachment styles. Because what I don't want you to do is tell your partner to listen to this and point out all the reasons why they're one of these attachment styles, because that's not going to go anywhere. And they might even feel ambushed. I mean, Thinking about if your partner came to you and was like, here, I need you to listen to this. These are all the things that are wrong with you and we need to fix them. that does not feel good. So I want you to be listening for what resonates for you, not your partner. Okay. And then there is disorganized attachment. disorganized attachment often forms. When someone has maybe a lot of chaos in their childhood so there's a lot of fear and trauma and it typically stems from erotic or incoherent relationships with the baby's primary caregiver. So maybe there was some alcohol or drug dependence in the household. or maybe there was this combined with homelessness, things like that. And so, as adults, disorganized individuals often exhibit characteristics of both anxious and avoidant attachment, leading to chaotic and unpredictable patterns. And they may even crave closeness, but fear it at the same time. Resulting in emotional highs and lows. Their core fear is fear of abandonment and fear of being hurt or betrayed. Behavioral signs from a disorganized attachment style are pushing a partner away after seeking closeness, mistrusting their partner's intentions and experiencing emotional dysregulation. So not being able to control their emotions and be in charge of them. And some of their common triggers are arguments, perceived criticism, notice how I said perceived, sometimes a criticism hasn't actually been said, but they've perceived something as criticizing. or inconsistency in their partner's behavior and how it shows up in conflict. They may alternate between clinging and withdrawing, leaving their partner feeling confused. So it can be like this hot and cold. And they often struggle with self soothing and relying heavily on external validation. And lastly is the secure attachment. As a baby, people who have developed a secure attachment knew that if they were in distress or needed help, their caregiver was going to come to them and be able to give them both physical and emotional support. And they knew this would happen basically every time they needed their parent. Okay. And as adults, secure partners have the ability to regulate their emotions and support their partner's emotional needs. They naturally create secure functioning relationships because they are comfortable with intimacy and independence. So here we're not talking about core fears. Secure attachment is someone who is healthy on all fronts. And I'm not saying that you're unhealthy if you're, if avoidant, anxious, or disorganized attachment, but this person who has a more secure attachment style is more confident and they feel secure with them themselves. And they're okay, usually whether or not they are in a relationship with someone. And so their core strengths are ability to balance emotional closeness and independence. Some of their behavioral signs are they're open communicators. They have empathy and they're willing to repair conflict without it escalating or without them shutting down. And so even secure attachment, can still have triggers. although secure individuals are generally well regulated, high stress or prolonged conflicts without resolution can be triggering. And high stress can also mean this transition into parenthood. even if you. Felt like you and your partner had a secure attachment style, or you felt like your relationship was secure before kids. After kids might be a whole different story because you're thrown into a whole different role. It's a big transition to go from no kids to kids or even from one to two and two to three. that can be triggering. so how does secure attachment show up in conflict? They're more likely to approach disagreements calmly and work collaboratively towards resolution. one thing I want you to realize whatever attachment style you fall into. doesn't mean you're going to stay there forever or that you're doomed. if you fall more into an anxious attachment style, you can then have a secure attachment later. after working on some things and same for avoidant and same for disorganized. You can learn how to have a more secure attachment style and that can happen within your marriage, within your partnership, and you can do this together. So before we get into that in, part two, here is An exercise I want you to do. So if you're driving, I want you to just listen for now and then come back to this later. But if you are at home listening and you have some time, I want you to sit down and get a piece of paper and something to write with and really think about these questions that I'm going to ask you. Okay. I'll give you a second to go and grab that. If you need to, of course, pause. Okay, well I hope you actually took the time to go and grab that piece of paper and pen. so I want you to really think about these questions because this is going to help you better identify your own attachment styles if, when I was going through them separately You still felt kind of like, well, I don't know if I fall more in the anxious or maybe I am secure or maybe I am avoidant. So I want you to take you through this exercise to help you figure that out even better. Okay. I want you to think about the last disagreement you had with your partner. Okay. What was the last biggest agreement y'all had? What triggered it? Was it about feeling distant, overwhelmed? Did you feel misunderstood? Your response might give you a clue about your attachment style. Okay. And I want you to reflect on the behaviors that you noticed in yourself. Okay. I want you to answer these questions. What do I typically do when I feel disconnected from my partner? Let me say that again. What do I typically do when I feel disconnected from my partner? Next question, do I seek reassurance or do I withdraw to protect myself? Do I seek reassurance or do I withdraw to protect myself? And the last question, how do I react when my partner is emotionally distant or upset? How do I react when my partner is emotionally distant or upset? Okay. So I want you to reflect on those questions, take 20, 30 minutes, even if you only have 10, 15 minutes, take some time to go through those and then go back and re listen to the different attachment styles and you'll have a better understanding of where you fall. Okay. And then in part two, we'll go into the, okay, well now what? And yeah, I would actually also encourage your partner if they're open to also do this same exercise with you because when y'all each understand your own and each other's attachment style, you will be able to make progress even easier because you'll kind of know, or not kind of, but you will know. Some of the steps that you can take to better the relationship and better the connection, which we'll get into part two. And so one way that you can bring this up to your partner is just by letting them know, Hey, I was listening to this podcast and they were talking about attachment styles. do you want to listen to it with me? Because I think it would help both of us to better understand ourselves and even each other and can maybe. Help us not have conflict. Okay. Definitely don't go into bringing this up in a criticizing way because then they're going to say no. Well, that is it for part one. Thank you so much for listening. And I can't wait to dive into part two with you.