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The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Is it really possible to find balance as a mom? Each week, I'll be bringing you inspiring chats, interviews, and dialogues all based around helping moms like you unlock their potential and lead the balanced life they want. If you enjoy listening to topics that help you lead a more balanced life, then you've come to the right place. I'm obsessed with helping moms lead the life they want without the guilt.
With the right information and support, you can find balance in motherhood without sacrificing your needs.
The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Episode 45: Building Community: Stress-Free Hosting Tips for Moms with Special Guest Amy Long
Looking for ways to build stronger connections and a supportive community without adding stress to your already busy life? In this episode of the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast, we’re joined by Amy Long—naval officer, mom, and expert in stress-free hosting.
Amy shares her journey from navigating the demands of military life to staying at home with a newborn, all while learning the power of community. She introduces us to her brilliant "glass vs. plastic plates" metaphor, helping you prioritize life’s demands and stop sweating the small stuff.
Discover how simple acts, like giving compliments or inviting someone for coffee, can spark lasting friendships. Amy shares practical, heartwarming tips on how to create meaningful connections—even in transient, military communities where friendships come and go. Learn how she turned neighborhood gatherings into opportunities for genuine connection and how you can, too.
With the holiday season approaching, Amy offers expert advice on how to host stress-free celebrations. Her tips on keeping things simple will help you enjoy hosting without the overwhelm.
Join us for an uplifting and practical conversation that will leave you feeling inspired to foster deeper connections in your own life. Don’t forget to check out Amy’s content on Instagram and her website, thedailyhostess.com for more tips on building community and mastering the art of stress-free hosting!
About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed therapist based in TX, business owner, mom of 3 kids and coach for therapists who want support and guidance in their journey in creating an aligned business model so that they can live the freedom based life they've always dreamed of without sacrificing their own needs.
In her private practice as a therapist Kayla specialize in helping women overcome anxiety, perfectionism and people pleasing tendencies so that they can lead a more fulfilled and authentically aligned life
Find Kayla on IG
@kaylanettleton_lcsw
@themodernmomsroadmaptobalance
Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com
TX Residents can Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.
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Hello everybody and welcome back to the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast. My name is Kayla Nettleton, your host, and today our guest is Amy Long. She is a wife, mom and naval officer. After many moves thanks to the military, it became clear that the need for a community and support system is a non-negotiable. By hosting celebrations, amy discovered it's the best way to build community. Now she helps others learn to host stress-free parties in their home so they can build their own community. Welcome, amy. I'm so glad you're here. This is such an important topic that I don't think is talked about enough.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you so much, Kayla. It's great to be here and on this side of the podcast, mike, so I'm happy to be a guest.
Speaker 1:Yes, and with the question that I asked everybody what is your definition of a balanced life?
Speaker 2:I think it's a few things. Kind of knowing where you need to focus and when you need to focus on it is really key. And I heard this great analogy from a blogger that I followed when we lived in England. She's a British mom and she always said you know, we all feel like we're spinning plates, but you need to realize which plates are glass and which ones are plastic, and sometimes you got to let the plastic ones fall and you know that they're not going to break and if a glass one falls, you know it's probably not the end of the world. But so kind of knowing where your priorities need to be and when, to focus on them and when to let the plastic plates fall.
Speaker 1:Yes, no, that is a really great analogy. I've never heard that, but it makes so much sense because sometimes we're trying to balance these you know, quote unquote plastic plates and the glass ones and we're so worried about the plastic ones, but it's the glass ones that we need to focus on, like in this time or season of life.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:And so you, being in the military, you realize that community was super important. And, like I had said just a minute ago before we hit the record button, I'm also in a military town, del Rio. We have Laughlin Air Force Base, so this is like a hot topic for, I think, people in the military, but I also believe it's super important for people not in the military, because I feel like we we have become so disconnected and COVID didn't help with that. It made us even more disconnected and people are wanting that community aspect and craving that community aspect in their life, but they're kind of nervous of how to start that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure I think you hit the nail on the head, like COVID didn't help, but also, I think, just over time, we all think social media is so great because it keeps us connected and it does when you're far away from somebody. But I think it really takes us out of being for lack of a better term like physically connected or in the same presence as other people, and you know, we kind of get caught up in our phones and stuff instead of looking up and talking to the people around us or friends with the people around us.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, a community is super, super important for anyone, not just in the military, not just the military community. The surgeon general actually did a whole report recently about gosh. What was it called, like the I can't remember, but it's like the health effects of being not in a community and it's like serious things all throughout your life, not just when you're older, but even when you're younger too. So mental health and teenagers, you know issues when you're kind of in your middle life and then, especially when you're older, and it really has like major physical health effects of can't recover as fast and things like that. It was an interesting read. The Surgeon General put it out, I think this earlier this year or last year, but I'll definitely look it up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll definitely look it up and put it in the show notes.
Speaker 2:So if you're wondering about that, it'll be in the show notes Epidemic of loneliness. It just popped into my head.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the epidemic of epidemic of loneliness. That's what it's called. Okay, cool, yeah, we'll definitely put it in and it'll make my search so much easier now that we have a name. So what was so? I know your start of community and recognizing the importance of community was because of your experience in the military. What was going on in your life that you were like okay, I need to lean on support and I need to be able to build a community for myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I feel like there's a couple like standout moments, the first being my husband and I both were military. We were both deployed a lot, gone a lot, and then we decided we wanted to expand our family and have a child. So I got off of active duty and going from working all the time and having friends built into your colleagues, especially in the military and the Navy you're on a ship, these people, you're with them literally 20 hours a day. Most of the time they just become your family and even when you're not deployed or you're not on the ship, those are the people you hang out with. So there's this built in community.
Speaker 2:But I went from having that to staying home with a baby and that was kind of shocking. To go from having lots of people around me every day leading people having a purpose or feeling like I had a purpose, to just I don't want to say just, but you know taking care of my child. That can't talk back to me and I'm by myself. So that was really important. That was a big moment when I realized like I need to go find some people and thank goodness for the meetup app in San Diego and I found a mom's group.
Speaker 2:And I met some really amazing women that I'm still friends with today. We've all since moved and have been all over the place, but it's crazy to see our kids from like three months, six months old to now they're 10. So that's interesting. And then when we moved from San Diego, we moved to Colorado, and it was the first time we had lived like not really in a military area, we lived in a neighborhood kind of away from base and none of our neighbors were in the military, and so it was kind of strange and I was in a new place and we didn't have this like I didn't have a job, I wasn't working, I didn't have that built in community. So I realized, oh man, after like a few months of feeling really lonely, I need to just go out and find some friends. And so that became neighbors, that became mom's groups, that became library story time. It became so many different things, but it was.
Speaker 2:I noticed a major difference in, like, my mental health before doing that and then after. And so it's really important just to surround yourself with people that are going through similar things, or maybe people that are, you know, a few stages ahead that can kind of help you through those things. But those are the two biggest moments. They all kind of revolve around moves. But also when we were in England, it was during COVID and that was really really tough, and so they were much stricter with restrictions and we couldn't really meet people. And so you have to find community where you can in the circumstances that you're in. But those are some of the big standouts and it really boils down to having a loss of community and then realize a little bit of time before you realize it and then figuring out a way to find it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I believe that there's many moms that are listening that have felt that loss, because many of my listeners I know either work or they took some time. They were working before they had children so they had, like you said, they had that built in community. So when you go on maternity leave or you take a break or you decide maybe you're not going to go back to work for a while, that is a shock.
Speaker 1:It was a shock for me too. I had my, I had gotten pregnant when I was doing my master's program, so I went from being surrounded by lots of people we had amazing conversations my degrees in social work so we had amazing conversations about what's going on in the world and our communities and how we can make it better to being alone with the baby and no conversation, not even with my husband because he was working ridiculous hours, so when he was home he was sleeping, and so that was a huge shock. And I was also new to new to my community. I mean, it was my hometown but I had been gone for a while so I didn't have any friends at that time. So that was that was a shock and I and I know any women can have that experience.
Speaker 2:For sure that's not a fun one to go through, but there's hope, right, you can find people, no matter where you are. So that's that's what you kind of need to focus on if you are feeling that way.
Speaker 1:How would you describe your like personality style in terms of extrovert, introverts? I know there might be some people who are listening that are like oh, that's so easy. If you're an extrovert it's so easy to go to those things and walk up to people and start a conversation, but it's really hard if I'm already nervous or shy.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure, every time I like take a test, I'm like an ambivert, so I'm kind of both. But I will say, over the years and as I've gotten older, I feel like I'm much more introverted than I am extroverted, mostly because I have had instances where I've kind of been burned by friendships or we've had like a falling out or you know, a situation happened and it's like you don't really click with that person anymore, and so I think over the years I've almost become a little bit more guarded in approaching people or trying to have like a deep friendship or relationship with them. But it really does start by like a very simple thing that you don't have to be nervous about you can say hi to somebody. One that I've heard over and over and over on my podcast, when I asked that question of like how do you start these conversations, people will say that I like compliment somebody, so like, oh, I really like your haircut, or oh, I love that shirt or whatever, and it like spurs a conversation. That then you can maybe go deeper.
Speaker 2:And I also think like kind of sounds a little creepy. But if you are at the same place multiple times and you see the same person at that same place multiple times, like you know that you're both there at the same time, you both have an interest in that place that you're at. Like that should be the foundation, enough to just say hi and start a conversation. But I think a fallback if you are nervous about anything. Just compliment somebody on something, because everybody like who doesn't want to receive a compliment? So and that's an easy thing to do even if you're nervous.
Speaker 1:That was actually the first thing that popped into my mind. When you're like I always ask this question, I'm like Ooh, what would I say? And you said it because that is it is.
Speaker 1:It's easy to just like compliment and this is not to say that you're being disingenuine, but it's just a icebreaker conversation starter. And if you were brave and you said like you said, if you're seeing someone multiple times in the same place, they're going to the same stuff. Maybe they don't have the same interest, but it's like you're pushing your child into that interest or it's library story time. You can just go up to them and say, hey, I you know, I've seen you here a couple of times I am wanting to start friendships with someone. Do you want to grab coffee someday? That's kind of like a higher level, like it's. It's being a little bit more vulnerable because you're letting them know you're actively searching for friends.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is, and that does take a lot of bravery. I know people always compare like adult friendships to dating and like when you are dating you have to ask people out to do stuff. When you want a friendship with somebody or you want to like go deeper in that friendship, you have to ask them to do stuff. You have to like be willing to take the risk and be vulnerable. But I have found that when you are vulnerable, it really opens up the relationship and the other person can relate a lot better and they feel more comfortable because they realize, oh, this person just like did something kind of out of their comfort, out of anyone's comfort zone, and was brave to do this. That puts me at ease. I can be like myself now, or I can be a little bit more vulnerable too and say, oh, I'm having a really bad day or whatever. So being vulnerable is huge and that you know. That doesn't mean that like you are weak or anything. It just means you're open.
Speaker 2:And if you can show that openness to others, then it's probably going to be received really well and be reciprocated.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I had joined or I went. I haven't only been one time. So there's this runners group here and there was a woman who had posted and was like we're going to do a women's run at this time. Y'all are welcome to join. And so I went and it ended up being all moms and it was amazing. The conversation was great. We all clicked really well and I know that doesn't always happen.
Speaker 1:But there was one woman in there and she was talking about how she had approached another woman that was there because she had seen her running like by her house. She had seen her running like two or three times and so finally she saw her running again and went up to her like, ran over, and was like hey, hey, I see you running. Do you ever want a running partner? We're new, we just moved here, and so that was I. It blew my mind when they were having, when they were telling the story, because I was like I would never like just run up to someone and say like, hey, but I could go up to them Like if I saw them like at soccer practice or library story time or something, but to just like run up to them like she did, I was like, wow, yeah, but that's pretty ballsy, yeah, but that got them connected and so and they're also neighbors, so now they've, like, created this relationship.
Speaker 2:That's amazing. I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so speaking of neighbors, you you talked about how or in your bio you would say that like you started having parties for your neighborhood. Is that right?
Speaker 2:I think just parties to create the community parties in general are my husband. My husband is definitely like an extreme extrovert and enjoys having people around. He's actually struggling in his retirement because he's home a lot by himself working from home. So it's like hard for him because he likes to be around people. But we've just like always been the house that has hosted all of our military friends. Nobody's ever really close to their families, so like for holidays or just you know, someone's birthday or weekend or whatever it's like hey, everybody come over, or you know we'll be the communal Thanksgiving house or whatever, and so that's just kind of continued as we've moved.
Speaker 2:And when we moved into our neighborhood in Colorado that wasn't very military, it was actually still a very transient area and most of the people that lived there didn't have family nearby. So I would say, hey, we're going to get together and do like a big silly bar before we all go out trick or treating or let's get together and barbecue or whatever it was. It doesn't have to be anything like super fancy or super involved, but it was nice to know. You know people can just walk down the street and come over. I know that they don't have family around. So let's, let's make our neighborhood, our family, and so inviting people in in your neighborhood is great, especially if you know they don't have somewhere else to go and you don't know that unless you talk to them. So talking to your neighbors is really important, something that I love to do whenever we have.
Speaker 2:Whenever we move into a new neighborhood because we are moving a lot I just like take a little treat to all of our neighbors and introduce ourselves. Just because you know, I feel like, but historically people are supposed to like come to you with things when you move in, but I'm like I'm just going to take the first step and, you know, buy a little big skirt or whatever and take it to them and say, hey, we're new here, our names, this is where we live. On my website, I think, somewhere I have like a printable that is literally a card that has like we're new to the neighborhood, here's our names, our kids' names, our dog, because you can go around and tell people your names and they will forget it instantly. So having like an actual card that you can give them is really helpful. But you have to talk to your neighbors more, so like a little bit more than just like waving at them. That's great.
Speaker 1:But you have to kind of you know, talk to them and say hey, so that you can know if they're, if they need a place to feel like connected with someone. Yeah, and if there are people that you want to connect with. You'll never know unless you're actually have conversations with them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly I have. Our neighborhood now is a little bit older. The neighborhood's like really established, but most of the people that live here are a lot older. There's a few houses on our street that have kids, which is great, like our kids have people to play with. But the older neighbors sometimes are a little bit harder of a nut to crack just because they are older.
Speaker 2:And one of our neighbors recently invited my husband to go to a football game with him and my husband was like you know, he's a nice guy.
Speaker 2:Do I really want to sit in a car for two hours to go to this football game with him?
Speaker 2:Not really, but like he was nice enough to ask and he went and he had a great time and that's like something that they can share and bond with, that they, you know, and they probably got to know each other a lot better. We have another older neighbor that she invites all the kids on the street to come to her house for like a little Halloween party and like give some treats. And it's so nice that she takes time out of her day and her schedule she's retired so she has time but she puts this little party on for them and it's like so thoughtful, especially as an older person, to like be accepting and welcoming to young kids that are probably loud and frustrating and annoying in the neighborhood, but she welcomes them in every year and the kids always look look forward to it. Like recently they went up to her and were asking when are you going to have the Halloween party? Because it's like you know she's done it every year. So just doing things for your neighbors, I think is really helpful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just saying it now that I think about it. We so our house is on a parade route. It, we so our house, is on a parade route, and so we had started doing parade parties and it just it sounds so like our intention wasn't to invite everyone in the neighborhood, but it just ended up like we're not going to say no, you can't be here right we're out there in our front yard hanging out, of course we're going to invite you in and say like, hey, grab whatever snacks in the house, because there's always so many snacks.
Speaker 1:And I think this is a really great segue into talking about stress-free hosting. Because one of the ways that we do stress-free hosting is by usually our parties or get-togethers with friends or usually like, bring a snack to share or bring, you know, bring your own beverages and bring a snack to share or whatever. And so that makes it so much easier for me because I'm not having to go out and buy all of this food to feed everybody and also recognizing I don't have to feed everybody, like that's not a we're not having dinner parties where everyone has the expectation where they're going to eat. But I think that's sometimes a barrier for people and like, oh, we're going to have to buy and spend all this money. What are your thoughts?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I definitely think it's kind of a two-edged sword of like being a stress-free host and kind of getting over your fears of hosting. They kind of go hand in hand. So, like you said, a lot of people feel that they need to feed everybody and like maybe they're not the best cook or they don't have the time, or you know they're worried about allergies or whatever the case may be. And so, yeah, you combat that by saying bring something to help contribute or you host something, not at a mealtime, but as Americans, like we kind of like food is the common denominator and we all tend to just like, revolve around food. So having something and I think knowing that it doesn't have to be super extravagant and super fancy is really helpful. It can be chips and salsa, maybe. Take it out of the bag and put it in a bowl, but like it can, you know, to make it a little nicer if you will, but it doesn't have to be extravagant. But you know hosting at a different time, asking people to help contribute, or if you are hosting a meal, there is no shame in getting things pre-made or catered from somewhere. Or you go to Chipotle and you get a big family pack or whatever it is, it doesn't again, doesn't have to be extravagant, but realizing this isn't my strong suit, I'm going to outsource this part of hosting and being okay with that, because in the end, the people that show up knowing that they're going to be fed are going to be so excited that one they were invited and included but that they didn't have to cook a meal themselves, even if it's not like a multi-course dinner, they're just like hey, I got free Chipotle today. That is a win, you know, and a meal I didn't have to cook.
Speaker 2:So there are other fears, I think, that kind of hold people back that can take the stress away. So, like, a lot of people are worried about how their house looks or how clean it is or things like that, and I, the question I always ask everybody is when was the last time you went to someone's house and you noticed dust on the top of their refrigerator or dust on their baseboards or if their pillows were fluffed or not? Like you don't notice those things. Nobody is there to inspect like white glove inspect your house. They're not going into your closet to see if it's organized. So there are so many ways to like get around this cleaning fear or the house fear and it's just. You know wherever people are going to be. Do a quick tidy of that area and don't worry about the rest.
Speaker 2:I sometimes use hosting as motivation to clean my house, so I will clean my whole house, sometimes before people come over, cause I'm like, oh, people are going to be here. I might as well like deep clean everything. But that's just, you know, my personal motivation to clean they're. You know those those fears of hosting are valid. But there are just ways to get around them, because the more you host you realize people just aren't paying attention to most of those things.
Speaker 1:They are really just excited to be included and be there yeah, I mean, and if this is not an example a friend of her and her husband were redoing parts of their house and she we've been friends for years like go, at least three years going to each other's houses, likely more than that and she was like, yeah, we're working on getting rid of the popcorn ceilings. And I was like what she goes? Yeah, we're trying to get rid of the popcorn ceilings. And I was like what she goes? Yeah, we're trying to get rid of the popcorn ceilings. I've been like so like self-conscious about it because it makes her house look so old. And I said, lisa, I had no idea that you even had popcorn ceilings. She goes seriously. I was like, yes, I never noticed. And then I went to her house the next time and I looked up. I'm like, wow, I never. And maybe I noticed, but it was just like something that didn't even cross my mind.
Speaker 1:And but it's so interesting how we get caught up in like what bothers us, that we're going to think like, oh, this is also something that people are going to look at and judge us for.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and if somebody is like openly judging you about something in your house or the way you cook something or what you're wearing, like that's not the person you probably want to have in your community or in your friendship group. So you know they can see themselves out by just being themselves, if, if they're willing to say like, oh my gosh, you have popcorn ceilings, yeah, that's definitely not something that I would ever notice. That's definitely not something that I would ever notice. It goes back to that like kind of like funny thing between like best friends. Like you never really know what your best friend does for work. Like you just sorry, there was a truck backing up down my street and it was kind of loud yeah, you just kind of like the things and the people that you like really care about. You tend to not really notice all the like flaws or the things that they think are important because they're not important to you. Right?
Speaker 1:you just want that connection yeah, and part of part of the like for us like being able to host and get together is we when, whenever we go to people's houses and our because we have, we have young kids, so our kids get to interact and play, so it's almost like we get a break from having to entertain our kids or have to like worry about them, because they're in a safe place.
Speaker 1:There's multiple adults that are watching, and so we get a break. So I love also being able to give that to my friends so that they can have a break while their kids like just go run around in the house and play with all these, you know, new toys new to them, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:Worry about entertaining their kids for a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think it's so important not only to like give the parents a break, but I think it's so important for your kids to see you interacting with friends.
Speaker 2:You know they see you interact with maybe their teachers or their grandparents or other family members.
Speaker 2:But especially in the generation now where our kids are going to be growing up with social media and generally disconnected, they need to see and have instilled in them this concept of like adults can have friends too. There's this like epidemic I think of you know, once you're done with college it's like I have to go into the workforce now and I have to be professional and all these things, and then I have to build a family and all these things, but it's like there's not an emphasis or importance on having friendships. And so if your kids can see that growing up that mom and dad still hang out with people, whether it be we're all at someone's house or somebody's at our house, or maybe you know you get a babysitter and you go out with friends or something but they still see that grownups can have friendships so that when they get older they will also have friendships and they will be open to hosting and, you know, having strong connections with people in their community.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and having those friendships is really beneficial for your relationship too. I'm also a couples therapist and I see this often how couples will rely so much on each other to be everything and that's not fair to the relationship and it just it's not realistic to think that your partner is going to want to do everything that you want to do and it's totally okay to go and do those things with your friends and important to have a friendship, so there's not so much strain on the relationship itself to be everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that's such a great point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I often encourage couples to find their own partners within the couple, to find their own thing that they like to do and go hang out with their friends, because that's healthy for the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure I. There's definitely stuff that I do that my husband is like could, could not care less about. But you know, I have a friend that I like texts like, oh, I did this thing or I'm doing this, like I love to read and they're like not appropriate books whatsoever, but they're entertaining. And I was texting a friend last night like, oh, the new book came out and whatever. And he's just like, why are you so wrapped up in this? I'm like, well, in my head these characters are real and I need to talk about them. I put the other person but like he's not going to do that with me. So, yeah, it's helpful to have people to lean on.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I mean, my husband does the same thing with like trucks and he's talking about trucks or talking about truck part, and I feel like I just glaze over. I'm trying to just show like, and I feel like I just glaze over. I'm trying to just show like, just to be nice, so interest, but I have no idea what he's talking about. Or he'll point out a truck and he's like look at that truck, and all I do, I just see a truck. I don't see anything. I don't know what he's looking at. But he's looking at the parts and the design and he can. He's very detail oriented with vehicles and I just don't. I just don't see it. I just see a regular truck. You put them side to side, that one's bigger, that one's smaller, this one's maybe shinier, and so I'm not very fun to talk about trucks with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, we all have that thing, don't we? So, with the kind of going back a little bit, I'm really glad that you shared how you've had falling out with friends or kind of you know, drifted away from friendships, because that's something that does happen, and I think that's part of a fear of why some people may not approach people is like what if? What if we don't connect? Or what if I don't really like that person? Part of the reason why you approach different people is because it's similar to dating, like you said. You have to kind of get a feel for this person and try and see if there is a connection to further the friendship or not. And just because you get one coffee or go to lunch with someone does it mean you have to do it again.
Speaker 2:Right. Yeah, I think giving yourself that permission of like you know, I tried once or I've tried multiple times and like it's just not clicking, giving ourselves permission to say I don't need to keep forcing it, and I think the best way to handle it is just kind of like phase it out, like maybe it was like a weekly date and now it's like, well, I can't meet this week, like maybe next week, and then those weeks get further and further apart. But yeah, we've had situations where, you know, a situation happened with a friend and it just wasn't. It wasn't meant to be, we weren't supposed to like stay friends and thankfully, both of those times that that happened, it was toward the end of our period of being in that place and we were getting ready to move. Like, looking back, I'm so grateful for that because it would have been harder to have stayed in those communities because we did have a lot of mutual friends and you know, know that people, other people, are getting together and you're not going because you just don't get along with, you know, this other person. So the military moves have helped in that case.
Speaker 2:I know that's not the case, for everybody tries to like see if you click with somebody and typically I think you know pretty quickly if someone is like your type of person or not. And then maybe you think they are and later on down the road you realize, oh wait, these aren't really my type of people. Then I think, like I said, you just kind of have to phase it out and try again in another area with some other people, and give yourself permission and know that it's okay to do that. And if there's backlash there, I think you just have to be open and honest and say you know, like for my personal mental health or wellbeing or my families or whatever, like this relationship isn't what I thought it was going to be.
Speaker 2:I'm I'm trying to find a deep friendship with people that I can do X, y, z with, and that doesn't really seem to be us. So I'm going to try and find it somewhere else and, like that's a hard conversation to have. But I think what will happen is like you will eventually be happier because you had it and you will probably show those other people that you're phasing out from, oh, this can happen, or well, that's impressive that somebody is taking that stance and, like you know, setting their boundaries and moving on. And then in the future. If they need to do it too, they can, because you've shown them that it's possible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and also recognizing, like not every friend that you have has to be on the same level, so you might have you know one or two friends that you can go deep with, but you know a few other handful of friends who, like you're just happy to see them at other social gatherings. Or maybe someone like you can go to a movie with if you don't want to go alone just things like that or talk about TV shows.
Speaker 2:They don't all have to be the same realize over time because early in our marriage and early in my career, when you were with the same people all the time because you work with them, everybody has like a really deep connection. And then, as I got out of the military and we've moved and we've been in different communities, I like it took me a while to realize not every friend has to be my best friend or somebody that I can text with multiple times a day or things like that. And especially now when we're we're not really and we're definitely not in a military area my husband is now retired. I only do military kind of part-time now.
Speaker 2:It's it's a whole new world of like we kind of are civilians and like this is this is strange and we're in an area where people tend to be with their family a lot and not spend a lot of time with friends. And I've really over the last couple of years had to like accept that not everybody wants to get together with friends all the time and that's okay, it's. You know it's hard for me to sell that pill, but not every friendship has to be the same and not every community you're going to be in is going to look the same, and it's something that it's taken me a while to learn, but I think I've finally gotten to a place of acceptance.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's hard, especially when you're you like that connection and community aspect.
Speaker 2:What would you say for?
Speaker 1:people who oh go ahead.
Speaker 2:No, sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 1:No, sorry, I said what would you say for people who are trying to build that community connection in terms of cause? There has to be some consistency right. At least that's what I'm thinking like in terms of getting together, and sometimes maybe weekly isn't doable, but would you say like having a monthly get together for people to create community is is also doable.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure it doesn't have to be all the time, and I think you can gauge that based off of the relationship that you have with that person Is this or these few people you know, are these the people that I am going to be with or want to hang out with weekly, or is it going to be more infrequent than that? But consistency is definitely key and I think it is frustrating sometimes when you're always the one doing the inviting but you sometimes just have to accept that and because not everybody is open to inviting others like that, it's kind of a hard, vulnerable thing for people. And so getting over that kind of like mental block for me was kind of tricky of I keep inviting these people, they keep being too busy or they keep saying no, they have other things. You just have to keep doing it and eventually it's going to be reciprocated. People are going to show up and eventually the invites will be reciprocated as well.
Speaker 2:But oh gosh, I had a thought. No, I forgot it. That happens all the time. Anyway, yes, being consistent is key. Continually inviting, and then gosh, I don't know if I answered your question.
Speaker 2:No you're good.
Speaker 1:No, no, you did so. Just it doesn't have to be all of the time. Just continue to invite people, and sometimes you have to accept that you are going to. That's going to be. Your job is to like you're that person to gather people.
Speaker 2:Right, I remember what I was going to say. It sometimes you have to try different things. So, something that I've realized over the course of several years I love to have a big Easter brunch and anytime that we have lived in military areas people's families aren't around we just do a big, big, like you know, family, friends and family brunch. We moved here to Kansas city where it's not really a military area and people are always with their families. For two years Now I have had to have an Easter brunch and hardly anyone ever shows up and it is so frustrating.
Speaker 2:So after crying two times, I realized I needed to change this up and do something different. So this next Easter I'm going to do like the Saturday before or the weekend before or something like that. So you know you're just adjusting times to make it work. Because if you do try to invite people multiple times to like the same thing and just doesn't really ever seem to work out, then maybe you need to adjust something, whether that be the timing of it or the group of people or whatever it is, so that you can build that community but you have to build it in a way that it works for everybody, and that's like my type A personality sometimes has a hard time with that.
Speaker 2:I'm like no, it has to be on this day, at this time and this is what we're doing, so everybody can like bend to my will, and that's frustrating sometimes. So try different things if it's not working out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think the the concept of friends giving is a really great example of how like people were wanting to get together with their friends, but everyone, like on Thanksgiving, was going with family. So then this other concept of of doing something on a different day to gather your friends, or galentine's day right, instead of trying to get together with your girlfriends on valentine's day, it shifted to a different day so that women had a chance to get together with their friends, with their girlfriends yeah, for sure, and knowing that like there are some seasons where people are just super busy, the holidays obviously may.
Speaker 2:If you have kids in school, may is like the spring December because it's, like you know, teacher appreciation week and the field trips and all the things, and so, like May is not a great time to do stuff. So you might have to adjust things and there is nothing wrong with celebrating a holiday or a particular event at like an oddball time of the year. That actually makes it probably a little bit more memorable. So you know, say you want to do a Galentine's but it's like July, okay, who cares? Like you can still wear pink and, you know, have fun cocktails or whatever.
Speaker 1:So yeah, that would have never crossed my mind.
Speaker 2:So that is kind of one thing and the military lifestyle, like with deployments and things like that. People will celebrate holidays at like kind of wacky times because it's the only time that you're all together or you know. Everybody's birthday is celebrated on this day because it's before dad leaves or mom's gone for work, so we're going to have to do Christmas a week earlier. It's just like what you have to do sometimes, so you have permission to do that. Sometimes I think it helps for somebody just to say you have permission. No, it really it, so you have permission to do that.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I think it helps for somebody just to say you have permission no, it really, it really does and to even just be in a space to think outside the box like that. Yeah, for sure. So I know we just have a few minutes left, but I wanted to at least touch on having a stress-free holiday season, because this, I mean the holidays, are huge hosting season.
Speaker 1:More people are a little bit more willing to have gatherings. Just because it makes sense to have gatherings, you don't have to think of a reason, you can just blame it on the season. I did not mean it to rhyme, but it did, and so can you talk a little bit about some tips or strategies that people can use to have this stress-free holiday hosting season?
Speaker 2:For sure. I definitely think there are some good things you can do, because it is kind of an overwhelming and busy and chaotic time that you want to like be involved in everything. So I think the first thing you have to do is really like set your priorities for the season.
Speaker 2:This is a perfect time if this airs in September, early October, because it's the perfect time to kind of like set these priorities and set your boundaries of like where are we going to be doing xyz holiday? What things are the most important to us? Maybe it's like we always go see Christmas lights and like nothing's going to impact our family's ability to do that. So setting your priorities is really important and setting your boundaries of like these are like the five things that I know we want to do, because the calendar gets packed full of things and so it's okay to say no. Because if you've set your priorities ahead of time and said, like not, these are the non-negotiables, the things that we're going to do this season, or the places we're going to go or the people we're going to celebrate with, then it's a little easier to say no.
Speaker 2:And then planning ahead is huge. So I have a ton of I can send you links or they're on my website, but tons of printables to help you plan plan out your Thanksgiving meal, the order that you're going to cook, things in, plan out Christmas gifts early or holiday gifts and things like that. So planning ahead is really important, even down to like you know not just who you're inviting in the meal or whatever, but like, what dishes am I going to use what you know. I know that sounds a little bit maybe like in the weeds or maybe you're not super detail oriented, but if you plan some of those things out ahead of time it takes the stress away. The last minute kind of rushing around it takes a lot of that away. So setting your boundaries and planning ahead are huge for the holidays.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like start, you know, creating your Pinterest board now, instead of waiting until like two weeks before. You're trying to have like trying to go somewhere, trying to do something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one thing I say, and I think I share this on social pretty much every year like september, early october is like now is the time to start stocking up on baking things that aren't going to go bad, so like flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, chocolate chips, sprinkles, like all those things. Get them now. So like when your kids are asking can, can we make cookies, and you have all the stuff. Or or somebody invites you to something and you need to bring something and you can, like throw cookies together real quick or something. You have all the things. So like stocking your holiday pantry is a great time to do it, like kind of early October.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's such a good idea because I mean for myself, it's happened. We're like, oh, I need to take this, but I also need this, this and this that I usually have but don't, because we ran out from something else.
Speaker 2:So keeping that stuff makes so much sense blocks of cream cheese in your fridge because, like, what dip doesn't call for cream cheese? Like, yeah, throw it in anything, oh yeah, not the healthiest, but it makes a great dip.
Speaker 1:So yes, yes, and and also, if you see those like any, those jellies that you throw on top, like you can get them now too, just some like stock up on some of your favorite, because I know I have some like favorite ones.
Speaker 2:So having a couple of those to take, like you said, like it's a good idea yeah, or even stocking kind of like generic hostess gifts I think are always great, you know, like candles, a bottle of wine, those kind of typical things, but I tend to, you know, wrap like a pretty ribbon around it or something to like make it a little bit more special. So stocking up and having kind of that closet, like gift closet, ready to go it doesn't have to be a closet, it can be a drawer, be under your bed like, you don't have to have a crazy amount of space for that. But stocking up on some of those things and then getting like a pretty ribbon or something is great to do ahead of time so that you're just prepared.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what I'm hearing is just be prepared, Start thinking about it now so that you're not like having to rush or feeling like you didn't get to do everything you really wanted to do as a family, having to plan that out and, like you said, choose your five like the five top things that you want to do. Get them on your calendar so that you don't actually double schedule or double book something and recognizing it's totally okay to say no, you're not going to be able to go to everything. There's usually so much going on and making it to everything it's not always possible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, those are. It's a great summary of it all, yeah.
Speaker 1:And also remembering. I would say don't feel like you have to fill your schedule.
Speaker 2:I mean for sure Schedule in that downtime.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we are like, oh yeah, we can do that, we can do that. And then you realize like, oh, I'm running from three different get togethers on the same day and you're exhausted, and at the end you're not even. You're like why did?
Speaker 2:I do this to myself. Yeah, you don't enjoy it and you're like not a great guest or you're not a great host because you're just exhausted. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I. You also have a podcast, correct, can you do? You want to talk a little bit more about that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, sure, it's called Conversations with the Hostess and it is about building community and connection through hosting. So I talk with a lot of like party experts, military spouses that are used to moving a lot, creating community a lot, and you know we talk about how best to do that, wherever you are in the world and whatever season you're in, and give you lots of great advice and encouragement to kind of just make it work for you so that you have you're not, you don't fall into that epidemic of loneliness and you've got people around you that can support you.
Speaker 1:Awesome, and if people are wanting to get into your world or connect with you, what is the best way to do that? You, what is?
Speaker 2:the best way to do that? Sure, you can find me at the daily hostess on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, TikTok all those places.
Speaker 1:And then the website is the daily hostesscom Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Amy, for taking the time to join us today.
Speaker 2:You're welcome. Thanks for having me.