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The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Is it really possible to find balance as a mom? Each week, I'll be bringing you inspiring chats, interviews, and dialogues all based around helping moms like you unlock their potential and lead the balanced life they want. If you enjoy listening to topics that help you lead a more balanced life, then you've come to the right place. I'm obsessed with helping moms lead the life they want without the guilt.
With the right information and support, you can find balance in motherhood without sacrificing your needs.
The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Episode 32: Embracing the Imperfections of Motherhood: Self-Compassion and Boundary Setting with Allie Kidd, LISW
In this episode Allie Kidd, licensed independent social worker, offers a fresh take on balance as a fluid dance rather than a static state. Our latest podcast invites you into a candid conversation, where we dismantle the guilt and pressure that weighs down a mom's heart. We share personal slip-ups, from forgotten water bottles to missed parties, reassuring you that these moments don't detract from your worth as a parent. Equipping you with self-compassion, this episode is your permission slip to embrace the imperfections of life with kids.
With grace and wit, we tackle the topic of unsolicited pregnancy advice, a minefield for women, particularly in their thirties. Allie and I swap stories and strategies for handling those intrusive comments that can sting just as much as they are meant to soothe. From polite rebuffs to educational clap-backs, we offer a playbook for safeguarding your poise and privacy. We spotlight the respect for personal boundaries and celebrate the uniqueness of each path to parenthood, offering solidarity and practical wisdom for those navigating this intensely personal space.
Finally, we venture into transformative territories, discussing EMDR therapy and its potential to alleviate parenting pressures and personal anxieties. Through my own experiences with this therapeutic approach, I share how it's possible to align with your core values, craft a parenting style that resonates with your beliefs, and bolster self-acceptance. Allie closes our exchange with a heartfelt thanks, leaving our listeners inspired to set boundaries and find contentment in the journey of motherhood. This episode isn't just a conversation; it's a community of support, understanding, and empowerment—join us.
Helpful Links:
Website: alliekidd.com
Social media handles:
@alliekiddcounseling
Freebie:" What I value as a mom" exercise
About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed therapist based in TX, business owner, mom of 3 kids and coach for therapists who want support and guidance in their journey in creating an aligned business model so that they can live the freedom based life they've always dreamed of without sacrificing their own needs.
In her private practice as a therapist Kayla specialize in helping women overcome anxiety, perfectionism and people pleasing tendencies so that they can lead a more fulfilled and authentically aligned life
Find Kayla on IG
@kaylanettleton_lcsw
@themodernmomsroadmaptobalance
Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com
TX Residents can Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.
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Hello everyone, welcome back to the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast. Today, our guest is Allie Kidd, who is a licensed independent social worker who lives in Northeast Ohio with her husband, daughter and dog. She found EMDR a few years ago and it transformed her own life and the anxiety and anger she felt felt but tried to avoid. She works with moms who are consumed by worry, resentment and constantly feel like they have to be on, because she knows what it's like to never feel enough. Hey, allie, thanks for joining us today.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I'm so excited to be here. Wow, just hearing you do that intro is like oh wow, that is. Yeah, that's me.
Speaker 1:Isn't that so interesting? How like you don't, sometimes you can't always like realize, or sometimes we don't always recognize our value, until we hear someone else reading it out loud. And then it's like, oh wow, yeah, I do, I am like good at this, or I am like not that any of those things mean you have value, but it's just, it hits different, it does yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm taking that in. I like it so far.
Speaker 1:Remember feeling right yeah so thank you so much again, ali, for being here. And as the first question, I always ask everyone what is your definition of balance?
Speaker 2:so, for me. I think balance is really like it's an ebb and flow, so it's never kind of, I think, for me. I like visualize like balance, right, and it's like equal and always like level, and to me it's like knowing when to ebb and when to flow and so being able to have kind of you know we hear people talk about like seasons, kind of. You know we hear people talk about like seasons which can be longer, right, like, yes, season of life, yeah, season of toddlerhood, or whatever it might be, but it's, I think, can be even like shorter than that. Like maybe this week, the balance, you know, between, like me and my husband might look a little different because of what we have going on and what our daughter has going on and xyz, but then next week it's going to shift and so I think, just like it's really about flexibility to me oh yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:Yes, the flexibility and the seasons too, but not having to think of seasons as as like as long as quarters or as long as like the actual seasons like yeah even looking at it in terms of like the week. What has the balance been like the week? I know for us.
Speaker 1:Last week we had two kid birthday parties for my or two kid birthday parties for my four-year-old friend, so one was on a Wednesday and then one was on a Friday, and then we had a birthday party for my friend on Saturday evening, and so bedtime stuff was very different yes bedtime stuff was very different, especially like during the parties during the week, and although Friday's the weekend, it still like throws it, still throws you off right.
Speaker 1:I was totally. I had totally forgotten about the party on Friday and I was at a networking event and then the mom texted and was like my child is so excited to see all his friends at his party, and this was at 530. I looked at my phone at 545. And I was like, oh my gosh, the parties today, not tomorrow. I had it in my mind, I don't know why. I guess because the usual kid birthday parties that we've gone to a lot of them had been like Saturday afternoon.
Speaker 1:So in my mind, I had it.
Speaker 1:Okay, saturday afternoon we're going to this party. Nope, it's like, oh, my gosh, I have to go, and I was already about to leave that networking event and I was like, oh, I really got to go now. Sorry, I forgot about some things. Yeah, yeah, and it's just, and so, even that is just a prime example of just like going with like the ebbs and flow, because in that moment, what I didn't do was beat myself up about, right, you know, scheduling wrong or forgetting, because a lot of the times that I've seen is moms will be like, oh, I'm such a bad mom, how could I forget this? Or I am just not a good scheduler. What is wrong with me? Why, you know? Why can I have my shit together? You know all of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is nothing to do with you as a person yeah, exactly, and like we, we're allowed to forget stuff, like we just are. Yeah, we're not perfect and no one is, and it's not but. But I think it's specifically like moms put, that we have been raised with that, that like moms do it all and so we take that, and it's like, oh so if I like forgot to pack a snack, like I guess I guess I don't deserve to have a kid, I guess I should just leave, like I guess I should just get in my car forever I'm just, it's like what?
Speaker 1:no?
Speaker 1:it's a snack, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, or or the water bottle. Today, I mean, even today, this morning, I forgot to send my child with her water bottle and the teacher texted and was like hey, sudden forgot her water bottle. Can you drive it? You know, do you think you'd be able to do that? I could have said no. I mean, I did have time, so I said yes, and the schools, like I, could walk there um like 10 in 10 minutes, it's not far. So I, I did, but if I, if I couldn't go because I was maybe already recording this episode right I would have said no and they would have figured it out.
Speaker 1:She would not have gone without drinking something all day right right, but a lot of the times we think, oh my gosh, that means they're not gonna have water all day, and that's not the case yeah, yeah, we, we assume the worst right away.
Speaker 2:It's like all or nothing. There's no in between and it's just, it's not helpful, no, and it's not true at all.
Speaker 1:Is this something that you've struggled with yourself in the past?
Speaker 2:yes, oh man, yeah, like. Even I was just, I just like posted a reel today that was about um, that was about the idea of like, how long have we been anxious? Right, because motherhood, motherhood, like for me and for a lot of moms I work with, kicks it up a notch, like, really takes it to like I'm always on, like I am. There is literally always something going on in my brain and a million lists in here, lists on paper, like everything's going on. You know, if I'm not worried now I'm worrying because I'm probably worrying less, but it's like there's always something and it's just like what, what? But really like the real today I posted was like, literally, how long has this been going on? How long have we been like worried about being criticized by others and ourselves? And so I can say, you know, short answer, like a long time, a really, really long time.
Speaker 2:And yeah same, yeah like and I don't think like the rhetoric, the words weren't there, at least for me, and I think a lot of like I'm 37, a lot of moms, my age, it's like we weren't raised to be like hey, like you know, in high school even like, are you feeling anxious? That's what that might feel like, hey, here's some stuff you could do. It was just like, I don't know, suck it up, yeah. And so, yeah, I think it had been there a really long time of just like okay, like well, I have to meet expectations, I can't fail, and and if I do and anything was a failure.
Speaker 2:And then it took us like we had some infertility stuff, so then then it took two years to conceive and so if that's not been kind of adding into that like I'm not enough, my body's not enough, it's like what's wrong with me Right Like inside, this kind of just the very not even being pregnant yet and it's already like oh cool, so like I can't even do this thing that like my body's supposed to do, you know. So that was like that was the start and all the unhelpful comments along the way and you know which. Yeah, meaning I get, like I get. People are well meaning, but sure Didn't feel that way.
Speaker 1:So you're talking about, like the unhelpful comments and looking back at it now I know hindsight right Hindsight is always like more clear, but for those listening who are in that position, now what would you have done differently, hearing some of those comments?
Speaker 2:totally great question, I think so. Like like examples of like I don't remember, so I was probably 30 and 30 ish, 31, something like that, and so people would be like, oh you know, you guys have been married for a little while. Like so when, when are kids coming?
Speaker 2:like blah, blah, blah right and I would be like, oh yeah, we're, you know, we're working on it. Like, without getting graphic about it, like yeah, we're working on it. And the comments back would always be like, oh, like, you know, well, that's the fun part we, we and my husband would get those comments too. So, like that comment, comments like oh well, like better hurry, you know, your time is gosh, yeah, and it's like so. So I think what I would say now and again, having done all of the work that I've done oh, my kid, done this. So like, of course, knowing what I know. Now, I think, depending on who the person was, and like what our rapport was like, um, it might range from like kind of polite but direct, all the way to very like sarcastic and kind of like you probably feel pretty stupid now, right, and and I think so like something like you know, oh well, you know, I'll really, I'll really keep that in mind, right.
Speaker 2:So like something kind of just like I will leave, like letting it slide off the shoulder, like okay, yeah, yeah yeah, or more direct, so that people can actually learn from it, which I think is the point is like hey, comments like that really don't help and they really make me feel anxious and and yeah, worried about this process, which is already stressful. So I'd really appreciate not asking me about any of that kind of stuff. Yeah, and I'll let you know when there's something to tell.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah and I think it's, it's, it's really I. I like that you had said these were all well-meaning, because most of the time they are. People are not usually thinking how can I get under Ali's skin or how can I just push her buttons today absolutely not.
Speaker 2:I right. Like I even I feel confident. Like 100% of those comments were well-meaning, like, truly, it's just like it it's not helpful and it hurts and it adds to that pile of like you're not enough, you're not, you're doing something wrong. Yeah. Like, oh, you should have, you should have done something else, right. Because then people also add in like you should do this, you should do that. Have you tried drinking this tea? Have you done that? Have you, you know, walked backwards 12 times? It's like no, ma'am, I have that.
Speaker 1:Like or even for the people who have they're like yes, I have done all of those things I have, so can you please stop asking me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then even to take it like you know, I didn't experience a miscarriage, we just literally didn't get pregnant for two years. But I have no problem. And even now, if people ask me again, depending on my mood, depending on kind of who the person is, I might be like oh yeah, like you know, I've had, I've had pregnancy loss. You want to talk about it? Or like what would? How would you feel if I said that you know, and like kind of really give it back, depending on the person, because that's, you don't know what someone has gone through no so no, really depending on the snarkiness you want to deliver I don't even ask people like those questions about whether or not they're planning to have kids.
Speaker 1:I just don't because that's so personal. Yeah, that's so personal, and even if the answer is yes, they could be going through something so hard right now that they're not ready to talk about and for at least for most of like my close friends, if they want to talk about that with me, they're going to directly say something or they're going to bring it up without me specifically asking them. Well, are you planning to have any kids? Why haven't you started? Right? What's up with that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'm not telling and I'm not saying that the person who is is trying to conceive needs to educate people, but people do need to be educated that that is not an appropriate question to ask anymore. That is not. People are now choosing not to have kids and they don't want to talk about that with you. People are struggling to have kids and they don't want to talk about that with you because if they did, they would have already probably talked about that.
Speaker 2:They would have already done it. Yep, yeah, honestly, something, even like looking back now, like something too might even just be like, straight up, that's none of your business, mm-hmm, you know? Oh, yeah, because it's not. It's just not, or I don't feel comfortable discussing that with you. Right, it's like, if you're not in my inner circle because if you were you would already know, because, like, I had close friends that knew what was going on, yeah, and then it was really hard and all of the things that went with that. But if you were just like a, you know, hate to be like a random co-worker like ma'am, we're not like that, like we're not. You don't need to know of the inner workings of, like my body or like the meds I'm on and like you, don't yeah, no, they don't no.
Speaker 1:And and we get to choose who we give that information to. There's no like well, you need to tell this person and this person? No, absolutely not. You don't even have to tell your mother-in-law. That's just for you. And whoever you want to have this conversation with and that's that's another thing you can tell people is oh, this is actually a conversation with my partner and I we're not discussing this with anyone else yeah, and that is and I am kind of looking back now like that is the response that people really wanted to know.
Speaker 2:People get real like, especially in like an office setting but any kind of like where there's multiple people kind of congregating. So even then, once you are pregnant, like I don't know if this happened to you, but everyone was like, well, what's the name gonna be? Tell us the name. And I'm like and I would just be like, oh yeah, we have a couple, we're not sharing them and no, no, no shade on people who like do share whatever it was, just like we weren't interested we.
Speaker 2:We did not want or care about other people's opinions yeah which is still true. Like I don't. If you don't like, it's the same. Like if you don't like something that I'm wearing, don't wear it, that's great for you, just don't, you know it's like. So, like, if I pick a name you don't like, like, okay, fantastic, it's not your child, oh absolutely yeah, like oh my gosh, I mean speaking of names.
Speaker 1:So I know we're talking about names right now, but this can be about any, anything of whether or not you want to reveal about about this child. But like for yeah, so the first pregnancy that I had I did not want to know the gender and so that was a surprise. So I luckily that was. That was very helpful because I can literally say it was a very easy because I didn't know it's like, oh no, I don't know, it's a surprise and then there was nothing, no, no follow-ups.
Speaker 1:Um, but our third child. He has a very different name for some people. His name's boudreaux, and so whenever we were telling people his name, we got some interesting like oh, where's that? Like the like, like, huh yeah, oh yeah, like those really. I mean even some like literally some people were like you're really gonna name in that? Yeah, we are, and I'm actually not asking for your opinion.
Speaker 2:Like zero input needed.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, oh yeah. Yes, my, it was actually my husband's side of the family who was more vocal about their I wouldn't say dislike, but their, their, let's just say dislike, the dislike of the name, like it really threw them off, like discomfort that they're like didn't know yes, there we go.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh like it just right, I don't, yes yeah, yeah, and our name, like my, my name is kayla it's very like that doesn't throw people off. My husband's name is kyle that that doesn't throw people off, yeah. And then our third son is boudreaux, which throws people off, um, so, but I, we loved the name, we fell in love with that name and I love that, and we really didn't care what people were telling us. Luckily, my husband and I are both very strong-willed people and we're both like you are not gonna tell us no, and if you do, just sit back and watch us like, yeah, we, we know how to, how to um, engage with each other's dynamic, because strong-willed people that way don't always, uh, work out in a marriage. But we've figured out how to, how to work with it. But it's just funny because we were just like um, I don't care what your opinion is right okay yeah keep it moving.
Speaker 2:But it's truly like you're so right that it's like it is literally every aspect, even now, like my kid is four or you know just about, and it's like literally like if I let it and if I hadn't done the work that I have done, like I would still, like this stuff is still going on, not like with name and stuff like that, because she's almost four, like that's her name, but with anything Like. Oh, she's eating. You guys, just let her have ice cream. Yeah, I remember I got comments about Doing baby led weaning. I got comments because I didn't breastfeed, which, and the whole thing about breastfeeding, chest feeding is like. I got comments because I didn't breastfeed, which, and the thing, the whole thing about breastfeeding, chest feeding is like I wanted to like and like I wanted to.
Speaker 2:It didn't work, and I held onto that for a really long time Again, adding to the bucket of like see, your body's not even doing that. Right, you know what I mean. And so then you get the. Yeah, you get kind of all of that like every step of the way, and if you don't know what to do with that, it just builds and builds and builds and now I'm like yeah, like there are days where it's like you want you, you want some of that easter candy for breakfast. You do you like. Like it'd be like that and that's fine. Like no one needs to worry about what my kid eats and I like and it really doesn't bother me.
Speaker 2:I'm just like cool, yeah, oh yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm like it's everything.
Speaker 1:Oh, I do, yes, yes, yeah. And for those of you listening and you're not in this place, like you can't wrap your mind about what ali and I are talking about this is.
Speaker 1:This is coming from two women who have both done lots of work around this. I always talk about how I'm a recovering people pleaser and perfectionist. So I have. It still will creep up, but I have done the work and I am very confident in the way that I'm raising my children and the way that I do things in all aspects of my life. And if I do not want to talk about something or if someone is trying to put something on my child that we don't follow, like the oh, you have to finish all your food that is a big thing around my area is you can't leave the table until you're done with your food. No, we don't do that and I am very like.
Speaker 2:It makes me like uncomfortable yeah, we are.
Speaker 1:I am very I'm like oh no, we don't, we don't do that. Um, you're, you're done, cool, go play. You're good now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like yeah, yeah, no but, but without the work being done. Like you can see how like and for me it did it. It took a while because it would be like, oh, I would just kind of like, let that, instead of saying something, I would let it kind of like buster, and then later on, like that person who said the comment, it's like they're long gone, they're chill, oh, yeah, and I'm here being like, yeah, like, how dare they? So then I'm like I go through all the phases of life I'm pissed off at I'm pissed off at me for not standing up and saying something, defending what I believe, what my husband believes and my kid, and it's just like. But the anxiety in that moment used to stop me Because like, oh, are they going to be upset with me? How is this going to go? Are they going to be cool about it, or are they going to yell at me? Not sure.
Speaker 2:And if you grew up with inconsistent or, yeah, inconsistent reactions from caregivers, that's what we see and it has been true for me of like again, like I think my parents did the best they could, I really do, and they did some wild shit that like is not helpful and like I wouldn't do. Like, yeah, well, it's not like they're not evil, it's just, yeah, you know, wasn't always helpful and so that's the kind of stuff like we carry with. We didn't get to be, you know, former perfectionist people pleasers by accident. Like it wasn't, like, oh no, it just feels good no, it doesn't.
Speaker 1:No, it does not feel good, feels terrible. Oh yeah, there I mean. Sometimes, when my people pleasing comes up, it's so easy for me to spot now because I feel so uncomfortable, and it's so much easier for me to move through because then, after I've been able to move through it, I feel so much lighter. Or when I've been able to really hold the boundary, I feel so much lighter than when before. I would just feel like I don't know how to describe it just like yeah, like residual like the ick that's very popular right now.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, yeah, are we seeing what the cool kids are saying?
Speaker 2:it just like it really was, that kind of like yeah, it would stay, I get it and you.
Speaker 1:How did you happen upon emdr? Was that something that was brought to you in your own work through all of this? Was this something you learned in school? How did you first hear about EMDR?
Speaker 2:yeah, I first heard about it in, I think, like 2019, 2019, and actually I, um, and we're friends now and very close. She's one of my interns at a job and she was in school at the time getting her master's and she was doing a course at YSU here in Youngstown. They, the master's program, actually has like a legit like course where you can learn EMDR wow but it's a full, like it's amazing, it's mind-blowing.
Speaker 2:So my interns were both in that class and they're telling me this you know we have supervision and they're like, yeah, this it's bad, and I'm just like at first I'm gonna be honest I was like this sounds made up like this doesn't what do you.
Speaker 2:And then I was like, well, I trust them and like I trust what like they're telling me. So then I was like kind of looked into it and I was like, oh, and then I got pregnant. And then I was like, okay, so I'm gonna pump the drinks, I'm doing that training right now. Um, and then just like really getting to like see them do it.
Speaker 2:And so then, early 2022, I was like, okay, like my kid's a little older, I have the kind of mental capacity to do it and did it and, like I have not looked back, transformed my practice and like me working with clients, because it just gives me like a whole framework and a you know mode down like an actual intervention, but like, yeah, a whole way of just seeing things, but then and then at that point, using it like for me in my own life, okay, game changing wow yeah, and and for the people who are listening and they're like what em yeah, em what can you talk a little bit about what is emdr and how can it help them?
Speaker 2:totally so. Emdr is eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing therapy, which is a lot of it's a lot of words, a lot of letters, but, um, essentially it's there's the mechanism of, of action and what that is is the bilaterals. So in you know, the e and the m are for eye movement, and so that's kind of how it started was like using eye movement and essentially mimicking what happens in REM sleep. Okay, but bringing things up, bringing up some distressing memories, experiences on purpose, with that fast rapid eye movement, right, okay, yeah, yeah, that fast rapid eye movement, right, okay, and yeah, yeah, and the eye movement you're maybe you're, because I um, for the people who are not watching this on video, it's kind of moving your eyes back and forth following something.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, following something could be the therapist. Fingers could be a ball on a screen. I do all virtual therapy, even for myself, um, and with my clients, and so some people like the eye movement, but now it's like you don't even. It's not just eye movement is how it began. Um, yeah, some people really like kind of their own tactile, so they do like a little butterfly hug and they do their own fast taps on themselves. Also, tones if you have headphones, you can. Your therapist can literally have tones going back and forth. It's okay.
Speaker 1:It's really like open to lots of different styles too yeah, and I recently heard that it was funny because the eye movement piece that's how it started and it's funny because it's in the name but not everyone even uses that piece anymore, and I know like some people get so thrown off by that because they're like oh, I don't, I don't know about that. Like is that real? Is that quackery?
Speaker 2:like no, it's not. It sounds totally kooky and like I get it. Like I also thought that and I personally I don't know if it's just because I think for me pulling up images and kind of getting into and like for me, like the vulnerability factor, I feel safer and more able to access like distressing stuff with my eyes closed, and so for me, like I I don't, I don't, I don't jam with eye movement, it's not for me. Oh yeah, some of my clients do like they really like it, but a lot of people really like like tactile, like the touch or using buzzers that go back and forth because you can have your eyes shut and you can like kind of get into it.
Speaker 2:But essentially, like I started doing my own on kind of what I was noticing in the present, like as a mom and all this stuff, I was like all consumed by like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm so, like I'm failing in some way, I'm not enough in some way, and again like looking back to even like having infertility and then like not being able to breastfeed, which is what I wanted to be able to do, and then having all of this anxiety, kind of in the early stages and obsessed with milestones et cetera, like all of that stuff consumed me, like always scrolling to find info. What do I do next? What activities should I do? It was like I didn't have. You know you talk about balance. I had no balance. It was it was like kid stuff, always forever, like that's what I was doing yeah, wow, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I was like, okay, I need now that I like know what EMDR is. I was like I should do this for me because it's not normal to like. And then I started noticing, right like all of the avoidance people pleasing stuff of just like I'm not going to say anything to this person, but I'm going to think about it for a really long time and feel really gross about it and like have all the body stuff that comes with it. Right like I would like get really, and like my chest would like feel tight and tummy stuff. And I started EMDR on essentially like I feel so anxious in the moment but I can't stand up for myself. I don't feel like I matter, like I'm important enough, like all of that stuff that's kind of in that like failure bucket and that like value bucket and then doing that has like even just after like a couple sessions, was like oh, like I am not like in the present, I'm just like not bothered by like my mother-in-law used to trigger me, as mother-in-laws can do. It's not unique to her, she's a great person and like I'm I'm now able to even after a couple of sessions was like oh yeah, like maybe that's just like kind of annoying, but like all right, because I know, like I am, am confident, like you were saying, like I'm confident and so is my husband in like the way we're parenting, the way we're raising our kids. So like, if you know, if she does something that's different, as long as it's not like a safety thing, it's like all right, it's, it's gonna be okay, because, like I feel confident and that has been like it has like saved so much of my life, like just having the freedom to be.
Speaker 2:Like you know, I'm not in here all the time, so now that I'm not in my head all the time, I can actually do stuff for me and I don't feel guilty being like oh yeah, like today, like after this interview, like I'm not, I'm off, like I'm, this is like an off day for me. So I'm like oh yeah, like I'm gonna go thrift shopping maybe, just like walk around, come back, maybe do a craft, I don't know I. And like I don't feel guilty that like I'm not spending that extra time with my kid, because I'm like I spend time with my kid and she's chilling, she's having a great time, like it's not. That doesn't equal I'm a piece of shit. It just doesn't and it doesn't feel like that. I don't't feel guilty, I don't feel worried about what's going on. It's been truly life changing.
Speaker 1:That's awesome, and so you did it for yourself, and then now you've moved into, this is also something you offer for your clients, correct, oh?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, yeah, I pretty much.
Speaker 2:I primarily use EMDR with my clients, because the majority of my clients are moms and you know I am very similar to a lot of my clients and some of these ways that we've been talking about, like the people pleasing stuff, but always feeling not enough of like well, did I do the right thing? Is it too much screen time? Is it not enough screen time? She should be doing something else. Should we be teaching letters, even though she's, like you know, 13 months old? It's like all of that stuff, like I get it, like I was there too. Yeah, always feeling like, well, if I'm not pre-planning for like the next, you know six months, then I'm failing, whereas now I'm like I don't know what, like I don't know what milestone quote-unquote she's supposed to hit right now, but I know that like she lives an enriched life of like she does all kinds of cool stuff and gets to play and gets to learn, and I feel confident yeah, yeah, and I mean honestly, even for young children.
Speaker 1:It's not about what they do sitting down actually like learning. It's all through play. They learn all through play. So like the sit down at a desk or going to school, like that's not really how they're learning. They're learning through all the play.
Speaker 2:Yeah I, I could not agree more. It like I get like physically uncomfortable again when people are like, oh, like you know, she's, she's three and a half like she should really like know her letters. And I'm like, bro, like she is playing, like I don't need to force it, she's three and a half there, isn't, I don't need to get her ready. You know, like she she is, she's curious, she's getting to play and she'll ask what letter is that? And I'll tell her like, and then we can have that conversation. But it's not like a we're gonna sit down and do a worksheet like that sounds so boring oh yeah and it is, and for me, honestly like it's boring for both like it really is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you have this values booklet that you offer like a freebie, right can? You talk a little bit more about yeah, talk a little bit more about what inspired you to create this yeah.
Speaker 2:So I made this little like values kind of handout. It's like two-sided, maybe three, but it's really about because, when you think about kind of when, what I noticed was moms coming to me and they're like I look, I know what I'm feeling, like I know stuff's not going right, that's why I'm'm here. And they're like I'm just all over the place, I'm worried, I'm anxious, I'm not sleeping. I get these like intrusive thoughts, all of the stuff right that we know, that we see in our clients. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Can't set boundaries, but then feel icky about it and and it comes down to I've found and I want to know your opinion too but I found, like, when you break it down to like what is important to you, not your mom, not your in-laws, not the you know, the influencer on social media, like some of the big mom accounts, not them Like what is important, how do you want to pair it?
Speaker 2:yeah and that that really kind of like shapes the kind of whole trajectory from there, because oh yeah thinking about and again, like people are allowed to have different values that's we all do, yeah, but thinking about what someone else might value in their you know, maybe someone really values, you know, like order and like structure and having things kind of like lined out in that way and that is like something that's really important to you. Then how are you parenting?
Speaker 2:that either supports that or doesn't align with that yeah and so for me, when I look at it, and that was like a not a great example, but like for me actually, was a great example and I'll tell you right in a minute.
Speaker 1:But you go, keep going.
Speaker 2:Cause, like for me, when I think about it, like I value, like freedom, happiness, like those are, like I want those like the primary, when I think about me and my husband and what we want to teach our kid right, like what do I want her to value? Like autonomy, that's what.
Speaker 2:So, so, more than even just freedom, like I want her to be, like I can have the choice to do, oh yeah as long as it's like not causing someone else harm, right, like I can have the autonomy to do that, and so we very much parent in that way that is aligned with that.
Speaker 2:So, like again, like, so, like the food stuff of like, yeah, there's no clean plate club here, like that's not a thing. You listen to your body, that's how we parent, and so then, yeah, like we could, we're able to see how we're acting in, you know, accordance to that, and then it feels good instead of like, oh, if I value this, but I'm not doing it, but the ick, the ick comes up, so if I'm not, so for people pleasers and that kind of perfectionist stuff that I see a lot and have, you know, dealt with personally, it's like, well, if I value, like, freedom and autonomy, but I'm not, I don't feel that, like I'm not being true to me, standing that for myself and saying what feels right or doesn't feel right for me, now I'm not modeling that for my kid either. That's not cool how I want to parent. So that's kind of that's where it came from yeah and uh, you were asking.
Speaker 1:If you were, I guess you were gonna ask me. I don't know what were you gonna ask me, because you said you wanted my opinion on this yeah, I want your opinion.
Speaker 2:I don't want to assume. Yeah, just like, do you see, like in your work, especially with moms, like that the value stuff like is a huge kind of like foundational piece of like some of the kind of? Like misery and like ickiness. Oh yeah, they feel comes from that.
Speaker 1:Yeah yes, because they're not aligned with their values.
Speaker 1:And then the other piece too is, they have not even given themselves enough slowness to even think about what their values are or they're just so in their people-pleasing perfectionism that they can't even separate what their values actually are versus them still living out the values of their family or their, their spouse, that stuff too. Because we were all raised with certain values, we might not value those as adults, right and and so like. For example, I grew up in the catholic religion. I do not. My values do not exactly align with what the, the catholic religious church, always stands for. I don't align that way. My values don't line up to that anymore. And when you're really thinking about it probably not really as a kid either, because it was just following the adults, right and so so there's a lot in there and so that is. If you don't start there, you're kind of just like throwing things at the like throwing spaghetti at a wall, trying to see, like what's going to work.
Speaker 1:So you, I agree, like you really do have to kind of start like talking about boundaries at the start, not boundaries values at the start to kind of see where you are, where you want to be, where you want to go, to then later on be able to set those boundaries Right.
Speaker 1:And you were talking about the, the order piece, and I was saying like oh, that's not a great example, but I thought it was an excellent example because it can show that, okay, maybe in that moment, at the start of therapy, you really valued order and structure. But as things went on, you've come to reevaluate your values. Because you get to do that. You get to reevaluate your values and maybe that order and structure was just a protection mechanism and you don't really actually value that. But we do start where you're at. We're not going to say like oh no, that's not working for you. That's a production mechanism. You get to decide that for yourself totally yeah.
Speaker 2:It's not our job as therapists to be like, oh, that's, that's wrong, like that is wrong for you, like I would never. I would ask, okay, like kind of as, after you know a little bit of time, how's that working for you, how does that feel? And then we might have a conversation about that, right of like, yeah, yeah, is it working or does it just feel like another job?
Speaker 1:and if it feels like another job, now we're getting into some other stuff yes, yes, and so that's why I thought it was an excellent example, because it allowed us to kind of talk about that piece. Like you get to change your values once you've really been able to evaluate them. Like are those actually your values, or were you taking those from someone else, or was it a protection mechanism?
Speaker 2:yeah, a lot of us were talking, I mean, just, we get through the, especially like the kind of early parts of motherhood. Um, you know, we get through it, how we get through it, yeah, and we survive it, and that's that's a great thing, that's a huge thing. And maybe, once we're out of that piece, it's like we don't have to just survive, right, like I don't want to just be like okay, so at 10 o'clock I have this and then I gotta do this, and then I get like that feels stressful to me, but that's how I used to live, yeah, because so, yeah, maybe it was a good example, because it was very much like okay, well, I'm squeezing, you'm trying to squeeze all this stuff into just one day, with work and like other obligations, and I gotta cook and I gotta do this, and it's just how do you do it yeah, yeah and for any of the listeners in Ohio who are listening.
Speaker 1:They're like I really want to work with Allie. She's been the therapist that I've been looking for. How can they get in touch with you? How can they work with you? What is the best way to contact you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1:In the online space.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely welcome to find me. Follow me on instagram. It's at alley kid counseling, so I do hang out there and then just through my website, which is alley kidcom pretty, pretty short and sweet, um and then people can get a hold of me through my website or, you know, dm me on instagram. I'm welcome to a chat and I do offer free 30 minute calls to folks who are thinking about it, because I want them to be able to like feel me out right, like am I your guy? Oh yeah, if I'm not like zero offense taken, like I've met with therapists who I I'm like for a call or even maybe had a session with them, I was like thought it was you.
Speaker 1:It's actually not so like, you deserve that chance, like you can you can feel it out, oh yeah you can yeah Well, thank you so much, allie, for taking time out to hang out with me and my listeners. This was. I loved this conversation it was so fun.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I hope you have a great rest of your day. Thank you.