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The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Is it really possible to find balance as a mom? Each week, I'll be bringing you inspiring chats, interviews, and dialogues all based around helping moms like you unlock their potential and lead the balanced life they want. If you enjoy listening to topics that help you lead a more balanced life, then you've come to the right place. I'm obsessed with helping moms lead the life they want without the guilt.
With the right information and support, you can find balance in motherhood without sacrificing your needs.
The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Episode 31: Anchoring Identity Beyond Achievement with Life Coach Kamini Wood
When life's juggling act leaves high achievers teetering on the edge of burnout, it's time to reassess what balance truly means. This is the essence of my conversation with Kamini Wood, a life coach who empowers high achieving individuals to live with intentionality. We navigate the nuanced equilibrium of family life, as we share tales of the inevitable shake-up each new family member brings. Kamini enlightens us with the perspective that a balanced life doesn't mean equal parts, but rather, an acceptance of life's natural flux, empowering parents and professionals alike to ride the waves of daily demands with grace.
Achievement often comes with an unspoken price—tying our self-worth to our successes. This episode strips back the layers of this complex relationship, as I open up about my own struggles with people-pleasing and perfectionism. Kamini and I dissect the weighty impact of these tendencies on our identities and explore the art of fostering a sense of intrinsic worth, both in ourselves and in our children. By sharing candid conversations from my life, we illustrate the critical nature of guiding our loved ones to see value in themselves simply for who they are, rather than what they achieve.
We round off our discussion by delving into the art of self-care tailored for those who are accustomed to striving for the stars. From savoring a peaceful coffee break to embracing imperfection, we illuminate the simple, yet profound acts that nourish the soul. We also tack into the challenging winds of stress management and the art of setting boundaries, offering a compass for navigating the choppy waters of high expectations. As we draw to a close, we chart the course for self-discovery and goal setting, regardless of age or stage in life, offering a beacon for parents seeking to preserve their sense of self while steering their family ship.
Helpful Links:
Website: https://www.kaminiwood.com/
Social Links:
Instagram: @itsauthenticme
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kaminiwood/
Freebie:
https://www.kaminiwood.com/8-steps-to-overcome-limiting-beliefs/
About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed therapist based in TX, business owner, mom of 3 kids and coach for therapists who want support and guidance in their journey in creating an aligned business model so that they can live the freedom based life they've always dreamed of without sacrificing their own needs.
In her private practice as a therapist Kayla specialize in helping women overcome anxiety, perfectionism and people pleasing tendencies so that they can lead a more fulfilled and authentically aligned life
Find Kayla on IG
@kaylanettleton_lcsw
@themodernmomsroadmaptobalance
Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com
TX Residents can Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.
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Welcome back everyone to the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast. Today, our guest is Kamini Wood. She is a certified life coach that helps high achievers heal their relationships with themselves. She helps people take courageous steps in identifying limiting beliefs, reasons for stagnation and overcoming self-doubt in order to live a fulfilling professional and personal life. Welcome.
Speaker 2:Kamini, thank you so much for having me self-doubt in order to live a fulfilling professional and personal life.
Speaker 1:Welcome, Kim and Dee. Thank you so much for having me. Yes, I'm so excited to have you here today.
Speaker 2:So the first question I asked all my guests is what is your definition of a balanced life? I love that question because I used to think that a balanced life meant that everything was, had, equality, everything was. And being the mom of five and running my own business, I have learned that a balanced life for me is it's going to e the mom world and focusing on things for my kids, and other days I might be more heavily focused on work and things of that nature. And that, to me, is balance finding how you can make peace with the ebb and flow rather than rigid rules.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's beautiful, because you're right. I mean, balance really isn't about giving equal time to all, all areas equally, that things just don't work out that way, but it's, can you go with whatever is thrown at you? How, how fluidly can you get through those things?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. It's interesting. I think when I went from one to two children is when I actually started that rut realization, because when I went from one to two children, there's this idea that it's going to be 50, 50, everything's going to be equal, completely balanced, and then realize very quickly that one day one child's going to need a little more.
Speaker 2:And then the other child and then another day it's going to, it's going to flip and you have to learn to trust that it's. That means balance. It's going to all even out the way it's supposed to, rather than trying to control it and be and being a type A personality. That was something that I had to learn and and and be comfortable with releasing.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, no, I totally get it, especially because for us that kind of happened when our third child was thrown into the mix, like we really felt like we had it with two.
Speaker 2:Because you're a man to man.
Speaker 1:Yes, we. It was like there was an equal amount of child per adult, and then that third one came in per adult, and then that third one came in and we were. We just felt like we were scrambling, yeah, all of the time it's. It's even out now that he's a little bit older, he's two, he just turned two, so it doesn't feel as scrambly because he can somewhat do basic little tasks and follow little directions, right, not all of the time. He's not going to do it every time I ask him to, but I can trust that he'll usually like throw something away or follow some kinds of commands, right, right, but before, before that happened, there was a lot of scrambling going on.
Speaker 2:I hear you, I hear you. I'm definitely past that stage with my kiddos, but yeah, when we went from two to three, that was yet another evolution, because you really aren't man to man anymore. Now you're on the zone defense. That's what I always say. It's like we went from man to man to zone defense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I feel like for us it wasn't as hard in the beginning when we went from one to two, because our oldest was four at the time, so he could do a lot of things on his own. It wasn't like two under two. And then this third one really threw us for a wrench, because not only was it a third child, then we did have two under two with the youngest, so that was a ride for sure. Yeah, but now they are the cutest things together. They are so close because they're so close in age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So tell me more about how did you get into working with the clients that you work with? You work with high achievers. What led you to like what you're doing now?
Speaker 2:Well, it was not a linear path. I did not actually set out to do this at all. I actually started off as a project manager and worked my way up to running a project management office for acom back in the day and then actually built a law practice from the ground up, running all the facets of the law practice. But in each of those roles what I kept finding myself doing was helping individuals figure out what they needed to be successful and what they wanted to be successful and where they wanted to go and how could we get them there?
Speaker 2:So, whichever, with all these professional roles, that was where I kept ending up. Then, in my personal world, as mentioned at the top of the show, I've had five kids, and so there was a time period where, you know, they were in that preteen teen stage and I was noticing a lot of people pleasing perfectionist tendencies and recognize that that was actually stemming from how I was showing up, because I am a type A, definitely a recovering, people-pleasing perfectionist.
Speaker 2:I say that with you know, I kind of laugh because I don't think it really kind of get, you don't really get over it. You just learn how to manage it.
Speaker 1:Oh no, you're always in recovery because I I'm the same way Like I. I say that all the time. I'm a recovering people-pleaser and perfectionist, but it's one of those things like. You're just always working through it. It pops up when you least expect it Exactly, yes, yes.
Speaker 2:So I ended up doing some, a lot of self-work, just recognizing, as a parent, you know how we show up our children are they are taking that in, right, they are, they're taking that in and they're assimilating it and they're creating their own, their own rules around it and agreements with self through it. So as I did that self-work, I realized that that was actually my calling was to take this experience. But then also, what I really enjoyed professionally was to work with people and help them figure out what it was that they wanted. And that's when I kind of brought those two things together and started my practice. I dove headfirst into figuring out how to, how to coach people.
Speaker 2:So, yes, going in and learning how to become a certified, but then, beyond that, going into the different modalities of coaching, everything from the cognitive stuff but also somatic work, going into conscious parenting, because recognizing that as a parent, you know how, again, how we show up, our own stories are going to affect how we show up as parents, um, and and really recognizing, like I know, the high achiever, because that's me right, so I can, I can relate, I can understand, um, and I recognize that with high achievers we're dealing with lots of things from self-doubt to the people pleasing imposter syndrome. You know the stress and anxiety that comes with the fear of failure. And so here I am and this is I love what I do day in and day out. It's one of those things where now I'm, I'm start my day and the day ends and I just kind of look up and it's like, oh, not really sure where the day went, which means I'm loving it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what have you noticed is one of the biggest things that does get in the way of people recognizing what it is that they do need.
Speaker 2:That is such a great question. I actually believe that most individuals are either worried about not maybe consciously, maybe on a subconscious level, but there's a fear of abandonment or a fear of non-acceptance that plays in the background of being able to voice out what they need right, Because if they appear too needy or appear that they are high maintenance, then there's this fear that people won't put up with it or they'll. They'll just leave because they're too much. And again, I don't think it's a conscious thing, but I do think that on a subconscious level, that plays a lot into it how much I do agree with those things.
Speaker 1:How much of it do you see it comes up that people aren't even giving themselves the opportunity to slow down and figure those things out.
Speaker 2:I think that it's pretty much every single person that I talk to think that it's pretty much every single person that I talk to. It's funny you bring this up because I think it was either yesterday or even today, I can't remember. My days are kind of fusing together, but I was putting out a social media post around the fact that we are constantly on the go, go, go. We're constantly on the busyness.
Speaker 2:You know, and it's almost like we've taken on this mentality that if we're not busy that means laziness, and so we are not giving ourselves permission to slow down, we're not giving ourselves permission to just be, it's all. Everything is measured by doing, doing and achieving and the achievement pressure and all that goes into that. And I think moms not to say that dads don't have it, but I think moms especially are feeling this because there's this constant need to do more and achieve, and not as the mom, but also you're measuring it by how your kids are doing, and so that all of that combines to not allow us to take that time to just slow down enough for us to do that self-reflection.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, because it's so important. If we're not slowing down, we're never going to be able to recognize, like, what's really getting in the way of us having our needs met, not able to recognize what we need and not able to sorry, not able to recognize what it is that is getting in the way of those any barriers, if any. Sometimes there's not barriers, it's just our unwillingness to ask for them, because of those things that you mentioned Fear of abandonment, fear of being judged, fear of seeming too needy too much.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, too much. That's a big one. Or even just the false belief of thinking you're undeserving or you're unworthy of having those needs met right. Those come from old narratives and old stories, but time and time again I'm seeing it over and over again with people.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, and also, as for high achievers too, it's almost like they can't give themselves permission to slow down, because you should always be meeting that next goal. Like, if you're not meeting the next goal, this your identity of a high achiever is almost can seem like to be taken away from you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I affectionately called it the age of nexting, which means we achieve the goal and then it's OK, what's next? Like we don't even give ourselves permission to actually acknowledge what it was that we just accomplished and, beyond that, even who we were like, who we showed up as to to accomplish that thing that we just accomplished, we're immediately going to the next thing.
Speaker 2:And you're absolutely right. I do think that it comes from this fear of if I don't keep doing that and holding that, um, like living into that role of constantly achieving, now we might be, we might be a failure, we might lose our status of what it is that we're known as.
Speaker 1:That. That definitely came up for me after I had my first child. I it was not a planned pregnancy, and so I became pregnant during my master's program. So I gave birth to him like right after I graduated, like days, like less than a week, and I had a big plans for myself. I was going to go to Washington, I was going to change policy, all of these things that I had in my mind that I was going to do like big things. And then I became pregnant and now I'm a mom and having not just to care for myself but also care for this baby, and things shifted.
Speaker 1:I couldn't really go do those things at the time and I came back to my small town where there wasn't really a lot of things that I could do with my, with the degree that I had gotten, and in that void of figuring out, okay, the what's next? I couldn't, I couldn't think of what the next was and I became really depressed of not knowing, because for so long I always had a what's next. It was like high school I'm getting all these A's, I'm gonna make it in the top, whatever, right, then I'm gonna go to college, then I'm gonna go to grad school. I'm getting all these A's, I'm going to make it in the top, whatever, right, then I'm going to go to college, then I'm going to go to grad school, then I'm going to start achieving all these careers.
Speaker 1:And looking back, luckily for me that happened really early, because I know for a lot of people it happens so into their career where they don't know what that next is. So I am grateful that it happened so early on because I was in my early twenties at that time when I experienced that. But I know a lot of people hit that in their thirties and forties.
Speaker 2:You're absolutely spot on with that, and I think when we hit it in our 30s and 40s is when not only does the depression kind of hit at that point, but with that loss of identity also comes anxiety Right. So you're dealing with both of those things. Say that one is so. I work with teens all the way through mature adults and I'm even noticing it in our teen and college age population right now.
Speaker 2:the next thing where it's like I've got to do this you were just mentioning, like you know, I got the grades and then it was top tier school, and then it's, you know, and I'm noticing it, even with that, where it is going back to that achievement pressure. It is all about the next thing and accomplishment and success. And what is that? What is that? If I don't achieve these things or I don't know what's next, then you know you're somehow floundering or failing at something. And getting in front of that at an earlier stage is so important because, to your point, when we, when we're in our thirties and forties and fifties, it can feel very overwhelming at that point where now it's not just, it's just a loss of identity at that point where it's just like I don't.
Speaker 1:I don't know who I am anymore and I feel like, or if, when you experience this so later in life, it it feels almost, it can feel almost impossible, because I've seen this in my clients, that they feel they can't start over. Or now they're like, oh my gosh, now I have to start over yes and recreate a whole different life, when that's not necessarily the case, and it's not, you're not really starting completely over, right? We know that? Right, but can you talk more about you know why we're not really starting over?
Speaker 2:Well, because all of these things that we've done thus far, first of all, have given us experiences and given us lessons, right, and my whole like. One of the things that I really talk about is this concept of self-compassion that Kristen Neff and Chris Germer talk about and they're like the leading researchers on because what that tells us is, if we lean into kindness over judgment, instead of being on starting over, it's wow. I've done these things to this point. It's gotten me to here, this way of showing up, this way of next thing, whatever however we want to phrase it. That's no longer serving me, but I can take what I've learned from those experiences and I can decide what I want to apply, moving forward and now, maybe, what I need to shift and I can start.
Speaker 2:It also take time to evaluate at this stage in my life, what are those values that I have, what is actually most meaningful to me? It's not starting over, what it is is actually taking time to assess. Where am I now? You know, cause our values will eventually. They're going to evolve and change. Like my values as a 20 year old are totally different in my forties.
Speaker 2:Give us a chance to say look, what are my values now, and then from that place you also assess what your needs are, and now you can start setting your goals. So it's not that you're starting over, you're just re-engaging with yourself is really what it comes down to.
Speaker 1:And it goes back to what I was saying earlier giving yourself that space to pause and reflect on what it is that you are needing now, at this point of your life. Like you said, those things change. What you need now in your 30s and 40s and on are so different from what you needed when you were in your early and even early and even late twenties.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so I meant to segue into this. Earlier. You were bringing up, you work with teens and young adults, but you also have high achieving children as well, like you had mentioned that, one was a professional ballerina and you even had a child who was a D1 athlete. Yes, how can parents with high achieving children help them to manage that piece of their identity to where that is not all of them, not all of who they are.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, I love that question because that is something that I have been really, really focused on and cognizant of as I, as I've been working with my children. I call them children they're technically adults at this point, but I'm going to give you twofold to that. The very first part of that is, as a parent, checking yourself right, recognizing what's going on for you. Where are your expectations, where are your thoughts, feelings and emotions around where your children are, because a lot of times, when we have high achieving children, we have to check in and make sure that we're not projecting any of our own stories or any of our own goals and aspirations onto our children. So that's number one, so I just wanted to address that first.
Speaker 2:The second part, though, is really putting forth a diligent effort on talking to your children around, recognizing that they're not just looking at what they're achieving, but you know who they are and how they're showing up as individual people, so that they have a line between measuring their worth through what they're doing in their achievements and seeing that their worthiness already is in and of itself, and I've had to.
Speaker 2:I've had conversations. So one is ballerina, so female, and then my division one athlete is, is a male, so and I and it's not to say that it's completely different, but the way that you might address them and their mentality might be slightly different, but it's still the same concept, which is really focusing on worth exists by your existence, not by the things that you're doing, and really just taking that piece and focusing on that with your children is really important, as they are high achieving, because it is so easy for that line to get blurred, especially because the outside world is going to acknowledge them for the achievements and that's where their accolades and their that external validation is going to come from. So, as parents, recentering them back to self is so important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is, that is, and I love that. What are more concrete ways that parents can do that? What does that look like in an example?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I'll just I'm even just talking to my son right now, recently we'll talk about how practice went and he'll be talking about all the things that happened at practice and I did this and I did this and I did this, and it is absolutely acknowledging and be like that's amazing and tell me more about that. And then coming back to that, and how did you feel when you were doing that and what did you, what strengths did you use and what you know basically moving towards that, how did you show up and who were you to have those things happen? Just keep recentering. You don't have to go at it directly like that, but just you know the way that you talk about it is just kind of acknowledge for what they're saying and what they're excited about, be excited with them, but then also just continue to allow space for them to reflect on. Wow, no, yeah, I, that totally happened because I took care of myself.
Speaker 2:I ate like really great this past week. And oh, by the way, I, I didn't. I persevered, I didn't let the fact that I missed the goal six times stop me from continuing.
Speaker 2:Those are the things. That's how we keep moving them forward.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, that's awesome and I think, too, like this is a really important conversation to have, because kids, teenagers, young adults are having more and more opportunity to become someone so early because of technology and where it's gone. I mean there's children who are millionaires because of their YouTube channels, who I'm, you know, my son is watching and is amazed by, right. So, and I have seen so many like people, people, and I mean I feel like we've all seen it and if, if we haven't seen it, then we're just turning a blind eye, blind eye to it. When athletes are injured or people are hurt in some way and they can no longer do their job was their complete identity and they can no longer do that and the pain that happens after that they often will go into this deep depression of not knowing who they are outside of their job, their career, their sport yes, and especially with athletes and, um, dancers for that matter.
Speaker 2:because there there is there is a timeline, right, there's a lifespan to that particular role and so if we're not paying attention, I mean there's there's a huge transition that happens when that's done right.
Speaker 2:So collegiate athletes, for instance, most of them are not going to go on to any professional area in terms of their, their, their athleticism, and so there's that transition and there's grief that comes with that. But it's holding that with a lot of care as well and recognizing that that needs to be processed through. But, to your point, if the whole time the identity was I am just this, this athlete, or I am just this dancer, that will be such a high hill to climb on the other side of it when that, when that lifespan of that particular thing is done and over with. So working through that, so you're not just being defined by the role that you have, but knowing that your identity comes from just who you are, right, like your values, your, your beliefs, like that, that's what makes you who you are. Making sure that you're putting effort into that along the way is really huge.
Speaker 1:that's what makes you who you are Making sure that you're putting effort into that along the way is really huge. Yeah. And for moms who are listening to this and are thinking wow, I struggle with that myself. I struggle with recognizing my own worth because I think that my worth just does come from my productivity. Like, what is my value if I'm not meeting my deadlines or bringing in this much money or getting dinner on the table by the time my spouse gets home?
Speaker 2:Yes, and I think that that happens more often than we're paying attention to, and that's what I was referring to earlier too, when I said check in with yourself, understand what your stories are, what's going on for you, because, again, if we're not doing our own work, it's very difficult to lead our children into doing that work.
Speaker 2:And so taking that time to sit and recognize, wow, I have been defining my worth by the roles that I've been playing, or by the things that I've been doing and going back and realigning with you know the capital S self, you know what are the pieces that I've been doing. And going back and realigning with you know the capital S self, you know what are the pieces that make me who I am. And coming back home to that, doing that work for yourself, because as you do that work for yourself, you'll be able to lead your children through that same path.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And what are some strategies for moms listening to be able to?
Speaker 2:lean into that capital S self. I do really believe that taking the time to really identify as of today, present day, what, what are the things that are most meaningful to you, right? So, values, really going back to identifying what inspires you, what brings you that joy, what are the things in life that are most meaningful, what are the things that, what are those core values. Doing that is the first step in kind of re-engaging with self. I also do believe, and we've discussed this earlier, is paying attention what are my needs as of today? Again, we're doing present day. What is it that I actually need? What are those authentic needs that I need? Because when we know our values and our needs, we then can figure out, you know for our own selves, what goals we want to set, but then also we're really understanding who we are, that capital S self.
Speaker 2:And that's when we can have those more meaningful relationships with our kids, with our partners, with our friends, our coworkers, whomever we're interacting with. That's when we're going to have more meaningful connection, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:And I also want to point out that at least it's something that I've seen that's not something that everyone is going to instantly be able to recognize. That process might take time, because you may have to explore new things that do bring you joy, that do give you spark, that do give you passion, because because at least right now there's so much pressure put onto moms, you know the mental load, the load of the entire household. There's very many loads that are put onto moms to carry and they often will no longer recognize who they are anymore, outside of the role of mother or even their career.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's so, that's so true, and that's why I say one of the things is not. It's not like a one and done. First of all, it's going to take time, which also requires being grace, but giving yourself grace as you go through the process, but it may even look like paying attention to what makes you smile during the course of the day. You know, we think about where to start. It's really difficult sometimes for those of us who are so ingrained in the role of mom, or maybe the role of whatever career we have that we can't even think about.
Speaker 2:What do you mean by values? It feels overwhelming. So, even starting with something as simple as like, just pay attention to when. What makes you smile in the course of the day, when do you feel connected to yourself? It can be something super small, like for me, being able to finish a cup of coffee without having to reheat it in the microwave is really actually quite meaningful, and what that tells me is like wow, I really value just a little bit of solitude in the course of my. So we're gonna find our values even in those little tiny moments. And so it does not to make you feel like you have to jump into this really big, really big project.
Speaker 2:It's just pay attention to even the small things because, they'll give you hints along the way and those hints will, then they'll start to compound right to give you a bigger picture of where, where it is that you want to go.
Speaker 1:I really love that, Because what I often tell people is you're, you're gonna need to start where you are. Just start where you are, and that like really speaks that. Just notice the things that make you smile, Because oftentimes I've seen like people get just so overwhelmed because it's something else they have to do, something else they have to explore and they can't see any way around being able to do that now. So I often will tell them, like just just start where you are, for now you know. And so that is that really speak to that, and I really love that yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do think that oftentimes reminding people that they don't have to go and reinvent anything, they can just I love what you just said, just start here, now, where you are, and just continue to move forward.
Speaker 1:Yeah, one thing that I've, what I've noticed since we're like talking about high achievers is their unwillingness to want to try new things that they might mess up or may not be instantly good at. This is something that I noticed in myself that for a long time things came very easy for me. Yeah, Just the. The one thing that didn't come easy to me, like growing up, was math, but other than that, everything else came pretty easy. So when things didn't come easy, I immediately took it as like oh well, I, I guess I just that's not for me. I shouldn't do that.
Speaker 1:Instead of like building that tolerance for what is the word? Um, not rejection, but also building tolerance for rejection, um doing things wrong. There is a word. It's not coming to me.
Speaker 2:I hear where you're going with it, though. It's like building that tolerance for just not being the best at something. Right, it's like I just may not be super awesome at this thing, and maybe that's okay. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not going to be. You know how they talk about like, well, there'll be competence, and then there's also proficiency. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not going to be. You know how they talk about, like well, there'll be competence, and then there's also proficiency. Maybe not being proficient is actually okay, but high achievers have a really hard time with that, where it's like, oh no, if I'm not proficient at it, I'm not going to touch it, it's not for me.
Speaker 2:Versus like stepping outside of that comfort zone and being being like it's okay for me to just kind of be, maybe not even great at it, but it is definitely a struggle. It is absolutely a struggle. That was me.
Speaker 1:I'm not musically inclined, so that would be me with any type of singing slash musical instrument and the reason I bring that up is because oftentimes, like, or what I've seen is, there is so much potential in that creative space that, no, you might not be proficient, but that is going to be possibly a way for you to rest, if you gave it the chance and if you are able to just step out of your mind and get over being perfect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes, of your mind and get over being perfect. Yeah, yes, I love that you just said that, because you get to rest and also not have to what I refer to as being on right Cause as a high achiever you're always on cause, you're always next thing or performing, but if we're not in that place of proficiency, we learn to just be, just exist and experience the thing that's happening in the present moment. So it's almost like an act of mindfulness at the same time.
Speaker 1:Oh, it is. Yeah, because there is more than one way to rest. There is so many different ways to rest, and it's is going to give you the most feeling of being refreshed, because it's not just getting your six to eight hours of sleep. There's so many different kinds of rest, and I had recently seen something well, maybe it's not recent anymore, but within the last year had seen something in psychology today that was talking about how people who do more analytical things are could greatly benefit from creative outlets for rest, and people who they're what they're doing most in life maybe their job is creative outlets to do something more routine, or just like data entry type things, or folding laundry type things, things that it's just repetitive, that you don't really have to give much energy and brain space to Sure, and so I thought that was really interesting and it really just talks about how there are different kinds of breasts and we're all going to benefit from it in different ways.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that makes a lot of sense, right? Because if you're constantly using that part of your brain for, like, the analytical stuff by doing something creative, you're using a totally separate space. So this part that's constantly on, that's getting to rest and this part here is getting to experience something new. So we're building that whole growth zone dynamic and vice versa, right? So it makes a lot of sense. Yeah, I agree with you completely about this. There's idea of rest. It's um, I think a lot of times people like well, you know, I did, I went to sleep and I got my eight hours of sleep, but it's was it also de-stressed rest or was it still stressful rest? Because there is, because if we're really not resting, if we're're stressed out the whole time, so it's also by doing something different.
Speaker 2:You know, we are kind of taking that pressure off of that performance again so we're able to have more. It's less stressful because we're less. We're no longer performing, we're just being.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I really think, as for high achievers, that's, and I really think, as for high achievers, that's, that is a very difficult thing to do is allow yourself to be like you said, allow yourself to turn off. Yes, I know it. Well, there were times when I have to catch myself where it's like okay, comedy, like it's it's time, just, it's okay to just be right now. We don't have to do um, or catching those moments where it's like, well, you know, you only have a couple of things on your calendar today. You're being lazy. No, no, no, this is actually okay. This is actually okay that we only have a few things scheduled today, um, and. And so I'm a big advocate of self-talk. I do believe in talking to yourself, because I definitely do to myself many, many days. Yeah, or you, you kind of go in, you're like, yeah, no, it's okay, we're okay, we don't have to overdo it, we don't have to over schedule ourselves.
Speaker 1:And give me myself permission to slow it down yes, and I know that, uh, you're very familiar with parts work and I also use that modality within my practice, and so when you're saying like I have to talk to myself, I do the same. It's very it feels free to be able to recognize like there's just different parts within me that are kind of maybe going through like a push pull and my, you know self capital S is the one that's really in charge and can not manage but be able to calm the rest of those pieces, the rest of the parts of me, so that that capital S self can be the one that's stepping out and not all of these other other parts of myself that can wreck havoc if we allow them to.
Speaker 2:Right, right, and also by allowing those parts to be there and to be acknowledged, we are moving towards unshaming right. Because when we don't allow those parts to be there and then allow the capital self to have that conversation and to manage the other parts, we end up covertly shaming ourselves and almost demeaning ourselves, and so by allowing for that conversation between our parts, as odd as it may sound, it's actually an unshaming process.
Speaker 2:You know, it's, it's, it's leaning into this understanding of self, this idea of self-acceptance. Right, self-acceptance says I love all parts of myself, so it's. I think it's actually a very healthy thing. I know people will be like oh, people think you're weird for talking to yourself All right, okay. Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's not, it's okay, and if you do it, you probably should keep on doing it. It's a healthy, healthy coping mechanism.
Speaker 2:It's a healthy conversation.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yeah. So if moms are listening and they're they just feel like they're under a lot of pressure. How could they go about managing some of those pressures?
Speaker 2:Well, the very first thing is to become aware of what those pressures are. Right, because I believe that awareness is that first. I mean I say this routinely awareness is the doorway to change. So when they're feeling pressured, it's one thing to say I feel pressure and I'm feeling stressed out, but we have to slow down and say what are those things? What are the things?
Speaker 2:that are putting that pressure, where is the overwhelm coming from? And then get curious about it, like how much of this is really driven by maybe some external expectation or some belief that I have to do this in order to prove my worth, perhaps prove my enoughness right, because, again, as we become aware of those things, we can start to step outside of it and say, okay, what might, what might I not need to be doing right now. Also, I would say that the moms who are feeling overwhelmed as you become more aware of those things pay attention to what's actually yours, where moms struggle with asking for help because they figure a mom.
Speaker 2:I should be able to do this, and as soon as we hear the word should or the thought should, we should be asking ourselves okay, what's the fear behind that? Most often it's there's a fear of I'm not going to be looked at as a competent mother, fear of failing my kids, like you know. You, you name it, it's just and then it's well. No, asking for help Doesn't mean I'm failing in any way. Asking for help says I'm a human being and I have only a certain amount of capacity and it's okay to delegate to other people. So really, it's about getting curious about what are the things contributing to the stress and overwhelm and, from there, figuring out what we really actually need to be focused on versus where might?
Speaker 2:we be just adding stuff to our plate. I also fully believe that setting boundaries is top, top importance for moms and dads, but it's when you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed. That's probably an indication that we need to take a look at what boundaries need to be set as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and boundaries don't need to be scary, but it really does. It goes back to that awareness piece. You have to be aware of where these pressures are coming from so you can determine is this something that I can set a boundary for? Is there? Is this something I need to set a boundary for? Because if, if you don't even know what's going on, it's going to be almost impossible to set those boundaries.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly, I mean. Otherwise it's blind right You're making, you're trying to say this works and this doesn't work but you're doing it totally blind, without any information at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, like it goes back to. Sometimes people will want to create boundaries and they're like, yeah, I'm already saying no to like all of these extra things and it's maybe that's not necessarily the boundary that you needed to set that boundaries is more than just saying no to things. Yes, so, yes, there, that could be a whole, another full episode in and of itself, but boundaries is more than say no to things. Boundaries are about having your needs being met, and if they're not being met, how can you set boundaries to have them be met?
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and in your point about boundaries, do not need to be scary, is really important because I think so many people avoid them because they don't want to upset people, they don't want to upset relationships, they don't want to create conflict. And it's reminding ourselves that, actually, without those boundaries, the conflict that we're creating is the one within ourselves. Yeah, and if we've got that conflict within ourselves, eventually that's going to roll downhill, so to speak, and it's going to affect those relationships that we didn't want conflict in. So it's better to go ahead and set the boundaries that are really actually for the benefit of all the relationships than being something super scary.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Because when boundaries are not set, someone is usually being railroaded, whether it's intentional or not. But someone is giving in in some way and it's not fun for that resentment to build up and it's not fair to the relationship and all of the people involved for that to happen and they have no idea that it's going on.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I mean, somebody is being railroaded and or over functioning, and the other person in that dynamic is most probably under-functioning. And so I routinely say, when you start to set boundaries, first of all, let's be honest and call a spade a spade. It will be uncomfortable. It'll be uncomfortable because maybe you've not set boundaries before and that's just weird and awkward, right. So growth zone opportunity the person on the receiving end of the boundary that you might be setting with them, they're going to have a moment of discomfort because they're not used to it. The people who we have solid relationships with, they're going to adapt, they're going to assimilate to the boundary. There's going to be dialogue around it and then it's going to even itself out. The people who don't assimilate to your boundary right, the people who don't adapt, or the ones who are benefiting from you not having boundaries in the first place. And it invites the question is that somebody that I want to continue a relationship with anyway?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and asking that question just gives you your power back, because then you're giving yourself this choice versus you, not acknowledging that you had a choice in this matter.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly, exactly. It gives you back that sense of agency.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think that's one of the things, too that people often think is boundaries means cutting people off. That's usually like the last resort when people are talking about setting boundaries. Like setting boundaries is to prevent you needing to completely cut someone off, but I think that's the first thing people think of is no, because I still want a relationship with them. Yes, we probably want you to have a relationship with them too. Yes, exactly, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just the boundaries protect your relationships protect your relationships and protect your own sense of self.
Speaker 1:Yes, so the comedy. It's been a pleasure having you today. Can you talk a little bit more of exactly what you do and if people are listening and they're like I really need to work with her, she would be a great fit for me. How could they contact you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so again, I work with individuals one-to-one. We work on things from false beliefs, those narratives that hold us back. I do work with teens all the way through adults, mature adults, I should say and really what we're trying to do is help you figure out how you want to move forward, what are those goals that you want to have for yourself, and help you set those and move towards those. And so some of the individuals that I do work with are parents, because sometimes we need that support as we're parenting and trying to figure out what is our identity outside of the role of parent. So if people are interested in learning more, they can go to comedywoodcom. And then, of course, I'm on social, at um, instagram and Facebook, with the handle it's authentic me.
Speaker 1:Awesome. Thank you so much for joining us today. I think there was a lot of wisdom in this episode, so thank you for having me, thank you.