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The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Is it really possible to find balance as a mom? Each week, I'll be bringing you inspiring chats, interviews, and dialogues all based around helping moms like you unlock their potential and lead the balanced life they want. If you enjoy listening to topics that help you lead a more balanced life, then you've come to the right place. I'm obsessed with helping moms lead the life they want without the guilt.
With the right information and support, you can find balance in motherhood without sacrificing your needs.
The Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance Podcast
Episode 28: Embracing Sexual Empowerment and Reclaiming Pleasure with Special Guest Ana Lopez
In this week's episode I invited Ana Lopez, a certified sex coach, to the podcast, guiding us through the dance of sexuality and self-care. She brings a refreshing spin on balanced living, advocating for harmony rather than a mythical perfect balance. With a focus on Latina women, Ana disassembles the cultural narratives that often hinder sexual expression, offering strategies that are as much about personal empowerment as they are about pleasure. She encourages an embrace of individual beliefs, creating a more fulfilling sexual narrative that's uniquely yours.
Struggling to merge the messages of your upbringing with your adult reality can be like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Our candid conversation traverses the often turbulent waters of societal messages about sex, especially within Latino cultures. We reflect on the complexities of growing up with mixed cultural messages and the task of aligning religious beliefs with a healthy sexual relationship. The challenge is clear: to sift through inherited beliefs and construct a personal sexual ethic that rings true to our own values. The dialogue extends an invitation to parents as well, emphasizing the importance of context and candid conversations with children about sex.
But it's not all talk about bedrooms and beliefs. We take a pit stop to highlight the significance of self-care and rejuvenation, likening it to the essential maintenance of a well-oiled machine. Understanding your body's needs, embracing its changes—especially postpartum—and customizing your approach to intimacy are themes we explore, each with the potential to rev up your engine in ways you hadn't anticipated. Ana's expertise shines as she offers guidance and support, urging mothers and all listeners to embrace their transformed selves with grace. So, buckle up and join us for a ride that promises to not only enlighten but also empower you to take the wheel of your own well-being and sexuality.
Helpful Links:
Sex In Spanglish
IG: @sexinspanglish
About the Podcast Host
Kayla Nettleton is a licensed therapist based in TX, business owner, mom of 3 kids and coach for therapists who want support and guidance in their journey in creating an aligned business model so that they can live the freedom based life they've always dreamed of without sacrificing their own needs.
In her private practice as a therapist Kayla specialize in helping women overcome anxiety, perfectionism and people pleasing tendencies so that they can lead a more fulfilled and authentically aligned life
Find Kayla on IG
@kaylanettleton_lcsw
@themodernmomsroadmaptobalance
Email: kayla@kaylanettleton.com
TX Residents can Schedule a Free 20 minute therapy consultation here.
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Welcome back everybody. Thanks for tuning in today to the Modern Moms Roadmap to Balance podcast. Our guest today is Ana Lopez. She is a proud Latina sexologist and certified sex and life coach. Ana teaches women to have mind-blowing sex on demand. She utilizes her background in therapy, cutting-edge research and coaching techniques to aid women in getting to the root of their sexual frustrations, while teaching them to utilize the only pleasure tool they will ever need the mind. Welcome, ana, thanks so much for being here. Yeah, of course I'm super excited. Yeah, of course I'm super excited.
Speaker 1:So, everyone that comes onto the podcast. I always ask them this question, which is what is your definition of a balanced life?
Speaker 2:Oh, I felt like I knew this question was coming and it also feels very loaded.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is. This is why I ask everyone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, I think for me, most recently it has been I actually think about this question a lot, which is fascinating To me. It means, like everything being in harmony. So I'm of the belief that, like I can prioritize myself, and that doesn't mean that I'm forgetting about my family. That doesn't mean like I have a really big family. That doesn't mean that I'm forgetting about like my homework because I'm also a student, right. That doesn't mean that I'm forgetting about like my homework because I'm also a student, right. That doesn't mean that I'm forgetting about any of the other things that are important to me.
Speaker 2:And so for me it really means like more so like harmony than balance. So like maybe today school takes priority, but tomorrow that means that I'm spending time with my partner, with my family. And really for me it's really about recognizing that not everything can have my attention at all times and it's not going to be completely even at all times, right, like I think. When I think of balance, I think of like the scale that has, like the two sides, and to me that's like a helpful image in the sense of like I don't want to be after that, like if my knock on wood, like if my mom is sick, for example, I want to be there for her. If that means I'm turning in something late for school, if that means I'm not hanging out with my friends or you know whatever. Like really recognizing what is the priority in the moment and that doesn't mean that nothing else is a priority, it's just about that moment.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, yeah, that's really awesome because or it's a really great point, because balance is never that image of balancing the scales, because that's not really what is the word realistic to have that kind of balance all of the time. So it's picking and choosing. What points in our life are we wanting to balance? What points in our lives are we wanting to prioritize and balancing in those areas, not necessarily everything in our life being equally balanced out, totally. So can you talk about more of what is a sex coach? What do you do? How do you help women?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love this question because I'm always like, well, it depends. And the reason for that is because, like you ask 10 different sex coaches and they will all have like different answers. So, basically, what I do as a sex coach yes, I work predominantly with Latina women around like their cultural narratives, so cultural messages that they've received around sex. So we're really like deconstructing that.
Speaker 2:There's like this very I don't know what do you call it hype word like this, this word that's coming out a lot is like decolonization. So it's really about getting back to our roots. It's really about understanding the messages that we've received that aren't necessarily true, right, and really figuring out what is it that you believe as an adult woman that is having sex. And then I work a lot with them about what are your thoughts about yourself, what are your thoughts about sex, what are your thoughts about your partner, and really figuring out like, are those thoughts serving you or not? So it's very similar. If anyone has ever been to therapy, it's very similar to like cognitive behavioral therapy with like a dash of like Latin flavor thrown in.
Speaker 1:Talk more about that, like how do you bring in what? Like, what is this latin flavor?
Speaker 2:yeah, totally so. It's really talking about, like cultural messages that we receive and so, talking about, like the the I guess, for lack of better term like the dichotomy between, like you know, you were raised in a latino household you receive specific messages around sex. So, like like, it's very common, for example, for us not to leave the house until we're married. We're told that, like, basically just don't get pregnant, but then we're also told, like wait until marriage to have sex. So it's like those are very mixed messages and then we get entirely different messages. There is some overlap in this like growing up in the States, so for those of us that have been raised in the states, we're often presented with different messages. And, as a latina, we're also receiving messages about, like what it means supposedly to be a latina, right, like we're spicy and exotic and who knows right, and so it can be really confusing and for anyone right of like, any culture, to receive like a bunch of different messages. And what happens is that oftentimes we don't, we aren't given permission as children to ask questions, and so we just kind of assume that what we were told is true, right, it's like blissful ignorance, in a sense, that we're just like walking around of like, oh yeah, like, this is what it is, and we don't really think too much about it.
Speaker 2:And so, in the I really don't like this term, but I don't know what else to call it Like in the coaching container, it's really about like figuring out. Well, what are those things? What are the messages that you receive? Like, do you believe those or not? Like, what is it that you believe? Giving them the opportunity to figure out? Like, what do you actually think about this? Them the opportunity to figure out, like, what do you actually think about this?
Speaker 2:And I think I'm assuming that a majority of moms listen to this podcast and I think that's also something that is very common amongst moms like not giving yourself the opportunity to actually think about something and give it the space to like figure it out right. Like, what is it that? I actually think there's a lot of messaging giving to moms, in the same way that my clients are getting cultural messages right, all the time moms are I hear it all the time and I'm not even a mom like this messaging of like what moms should be and what they're not supposed to do, and this is good parenting, this is bad parenting. Like all of that stuff. It's exhausting and I'm not I'm not even really I'm not the target audience here, but it's exhausting. And then you're not giving yourself space to be like well, what do I believe? Maybe these people are saying that this is bad parenting or this is good parenting, or whatever, but what do I believe and what is true for me?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and just in terms of being able to have the space to talk about sex in general, because I I really don't think it's talked about enough, which is one of the reasons why I wanted you on, because I want people to hear what it's like to have an open discussion about sex, because it's not dirty. Like you said, these are messages that have been passed down to us. I meant to message, I meant to mention this before we started recording, but I'm also Latina. My name may not may not suggest that, but my dad was half half Mexican, half German. My mom was full.
Speaker 2:Mexican, I'm Mexican, and German too.
Speaker 1:I knew that we were going to have something in common. It wasn't Texas, but it's our heritage, yeah, and so, like even growing up, my name was Kayla Mayer, which is which is not doesn't sound Latino either, but I wanted to point that out because I completely get what you're saying in terms of all of these messages, because that's how I grew up too. The messages around sex was that you shouldn't have sex until you're married and don't get pregnant, like. That's why I was laughing when you were saying that that was literally the message. Or maybe my mom thought she was giving me a different message, but that's what I took.
Speaker 2:That's what I took from it yeah, what I often tell my clients is that, like, those messages in and of themselves, like by themselves, are not bad. If your belief is that you, someone, should not get pregnant or have sex until marriage, that in and of itself is not bad. What is bad is the way that it is like taught right, like it's just kind of thrown at you. There's no context given, there's no discussion about why it is that you're actually saying this, right? And if you ask the parent, who is the person giving the message, it's like, well, you know, we go to church and this is what we believe and all that. Well, why didn't you tell your child that, right, if they're old enough to receive the message, they're also old enough to receive the context.
Speaker 2:And I truly believe that if a child is old enough to ask, then they are old enough to receive age appropriate answers and honest answers, not just some like shit that you're making above the top of your head, right, and honest answers, not just some like shit that you're making above the top of your head, right, like share with them in a way that they understand. And so, instead of you being raised to believe like, okay, I, you know our beliefs as like Christians or, you know, catholics, whatever, that we don't have sex until marriage because this is our belief. It's really like oh, sex is bad, like that is because there's no context given. Then you're like malleable child brain interprets that as like oh, sex bad, okay. And what I tell my clients is like you get to 18 and you become an adult, supposedly this light switch doesn't flip.
Speaker 2:Where you're like oh, okay, yeah, like you don't decouple all of these interpretations that you make, right, like you hold onto it and so many. I've heard this from so many people. I'm like astounded every time I hear it, but it's like I feel like I'm going to get in trouble. When I have sex with my husband, even though I'm now married, I feel like I'm going to get in trouble and it causes a lot of angst while people are having sex and even outside of that, and it causes a lot of rifts in the relationship and it has nothing to do with their partner or anything like that. It's really just like they're hearing like their mom in the back of their head or like, oh, someone, I'm going to barge in, right, and it really negatively impacts your sex life and so I love talking about these nuanced things. So like, yes, I love talking about sex. I think we need to talk about it more.
Speaker 1:It's exactly why I do what I do and there's a lot of nuance that we don't even think about that impacts our sex lives like every single day, even in, even in terms of the if you're saying for religious purposes, like even if that is not explained on a deeper level or on, and that's even saying if those, if whoever is giving you this information has that information right, because a lot of the times what was given to our parents was passed down from their parents was passed down from their parents, if anything at all, right, that's. That's assuming they even got messages. That's assuming they're not just like trying to think of something to say to keep us safe, right. And so I struggled with this in terms of myself, because on one hand, I was upset, like I wish I had a better like sex education overall, not just the scare tactics of STDs and don't have sex, what is that called Abstinence. But, like, my family gave me the information that they had and so I had to come to terms with it. It wasn't, it wasn't their fault, they weren't doing this intentionally, that's just all they knew and had. That's all the information that they had.
Speaker 1:And going back to what I was originally saying in terms of the, the religious aspect is even that can be harming in terms of purity culture and just thinking of like my own struggles in having like intimacy and sex and in my relationship with my husband was being able to explore different things in terms of sex felt icky because of what is considered good and bad, right, what is considered okay and not okay or what's devious, and that's something that I had to work through in terms of my mindset about sex and what I was okay with. I love that you're saying like what are you okay with? What does this mean to you? Not, what does this mean based on these messages that you've received over time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally, and that's why I always start with my clients about talking about, like well, okay, what is it that you believe? Like let's decipher out. Right, it's almost like we're organizing their mind, right, like whose thoughts are these? Whose thoughts? Are these blocked here? Right, like, what do you believe?
Speaker 2:And really getting clear on that, because a lot of us myself included, sometimes are like going into scenarios where we're not even quite sure what we believe, but we're trying to like come to a resolution or we're trying to fix things when you're not even really clear about what it is that you think. And so I try to really empower my clients and like anyone that I talk to, like get clear on what you think first. There's like this common misconception that we need, like more information and all of this that's just going to confuse you even more. Right, like I'm all for going and getting properly educated and learning from reputable sources, like that is great, I'm an academic myself. And if you are already inundated which most of us are, with societal messaging and messaging that we got from parents, church, school, like whoever, you already have enough information, like, let's clear that out first. Let's get clear on what it is that you think you can add in the other information later, because I'm willing.
Speaker 2:I was going to say I'm willing to bet, but no, this is what I believe. So I'm just going to say it is that I think a vast majority of sexual problems stem from that is, us not knowing what it is that we believe and kind of oscillating back and forth between like well, this source says this, and this source says this, and mommy says this and you know. Like, and going back and forth and really not being clear on what it is that we we believe, where we stand, and then we're trying to get more information from, like outside sources, which is just making it even more complicated. We actually don't need more in order to solve our resolution, which is totally like a whole capitalistic thing that that's another conversation for another day but really like we already have what we need and it's just about utilizing it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think what I'm hearing too is we don't need more information, we need more permission. Yes, right, we need more permission to explore, explore our desires, explore our bodies, explore whatever we want sex to look like. For us being given permission to explore those things, because the information isn't necessarily going to help with that. It's the permission that's needed, permission to push back on all of these things we've already been educated on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like like I don't know if this is the term you were looking for. It's like critical thinking, like we're we're not. We haven't given ourselves the opportunity to critically think a lot of times, so then it's almost like we don't know how and so we're just like, oh yeah, okay, that makes sense, and just kind of like holding onto it. It's like this blissful ignorance, right, and it's really about. It's really about learning that skill of like questioning it, not because you know you're being inundated with like lies or anything like that, but it's like well, what do you think about this?
Speaker 1:Yeah, One of the things that you that was mentioned is you help women use the power of their mind. Can you talk more about that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally so. I believe that there's only three things that you need to. I always say orgasm because that I feel like that's what, like, majorly, people are after, but I really talk about it like having pleasure right Anytime that you want, and I truly believe that that comes from yourself. But when we talk about, you know, having pleasure during sex, I really think that you only need three things, and that is to learn how to effectively communicate. That means that you understand your body and that also means that you're able to relax and also rejuvenate and notice how, like, none of those things necessarily have to do with sex, because, again, it comes back to like things that you already have, right?
Speaker 2:So, when I say effectively communicate, it's not about, like, convincing your partner or manipulating your partner, right? It's really about how can I get clear on what it is that I'm saying and understand what I'm saying in order to get it across, because, again, most of us are having conversations where we're not quite sure what we think, and then we're trying to have a conversation with someone and wonder why it's not going anywhere, right when it comes to understanding your body, like, yes, understanding what you like and don't like during sex, which I'm I'm just going to throw this out there that you all do know. You just haven't given yourself permission to like point it out and you've been led to believe that you need something outside of you. But I digress.
Speaker 1:Or even thinking about what my partner would think about me if I requested this. Yes, yeah. What are they going to like? Are they going to look at me bad? Are they going to think I'm weird? Or are they going to think I'm some like I'm gross or you know?
Speaker 2:Yeah definitely yeah. And so it's understanding your body, like in the sexual sense of like, what do I like, what do I not like? You know all of those things. But it's also understanding your body outside of a sexual scene. So are you aware of, like, where you are in your cycle? Are you aware of how your body reacts during your cycle, like, are you super sensitive sometimes and that's why you don't want to have sex? Maybe you're like feeling really bloated and that's why you don't want to have sex.
Speaker 2:But really being able to understand your body in that way so that you can have these open and honest conversations with your partner, like have the effective communication right. First, it's about understanding what's going on in your body, um, and also getting help when you need it right, like if you have an infection, for example. Like being able to recognize oh yeah, something is off, I need to go and see a medical professional, or I'm having pain, maybe I need to go see a pelvic floor therapist or what have you. And then the last component is the, the rest andjuvenation, and that is really like allowing yourselves to rest, which I think is probably like's really about building that skill where we can rest without feeling super anxious or like we're going to have a panic attack while we do it.
Speaker 2:And then also rejuvenation, which I see as something different from rest. That is really like for lack of better term like refilling your cup, right, super cliche, but really about like giving yourself energy, right. So I like to think about it in terms of like cars I don't know why, I don't even really I'm not into cars, but anyway. So I think of rest as like, okay, you have your car parked in the garage or whatever. It's not going anywhere, it's just hanging out, not doing anything.
Speaker 2:That is the rest. That is you not working. That is you not thinking about work, right, it's just you doing whatever that doesn't involve work. That's your rest, right. The rejuvenation is you putting gas in the car, right, so sure, you can rest, but at some point you're also going to need that gas, you're going to need to rejuvenate, so you can not work after five and then like not work again until you know nine the next day, but after a while you're going to need to rejuvenate, you're going to need that gas. So it's really the combination of both, and so, yeah, adding those in. I feel like I answered your question, but I'm not sure.
Speaker 1:Yes, no, you did. You did, and I really like that car analogy because I even see it as not even just the gas, but you have to wash your car at some point. At some point, people wash their cars, even if you're a person who, like me, I almost never wash it once, maybe not even like once a quarter. Or you have to wash your car. You have to get the oil changed, like.
Speaker 1:There's lots of things that we have to do to keep our car maintained. Yeah, and that's exactly what we need to do for ourselves too. It's not just like having it out there parked, because I don't know why I know so much about cars right now. But if you don't know this, if you just leave a car parked sitting and you try it maybe it's been like a week or two If you try and go start it, the battery might be dead. Yes, you might not have enough fuel because you weren't driving it regularly to make sure, like, oh, I might need to fill the gas or not. There's lots of things that might happen to your vehicle if it just sits parked yes, yeah, and the same thing is if it just sits parked yes, yeah, and the same thing is going to happen for you.
Speaker 2:Definitely yeah. And yeah, all of a sudden, I know about cars I'm thinking about. I remember I used to have a neighbor that had a show car and he would even like, even though it didn't drive anywhere, it always went on. What are those called Trailers? Right? Like he didn't drive it anywhere. It always went on. What are those called Trailers? Right, like he didn't drive it anywhere. So he never started the engine and there's reasons for that, but this is not the episode for that. But he still, yes, it wasn't driving anywhere, it wasn't going anywhere, it was covered, but he was still washing it and caring for it. Right, because it can deteriorate, just like the body can.
Speaker 2:And I think there's this messaging that we receive of like, well, we're supposed to put our kids first, we're supposed to put our husbands or our partners first, and like we'll get to ourselves. But the problem is, everybody else always has needs, because everybody always has needs, and then we never get to ourselves. And what I like to offer, and what I will offer to those listening, is that I want to like flip the script here. Like, when you put yourself first, you are actually also, at the same time, putting your family and your loved ones first as well, because they are getting the best version of you.
Speaker 2:If you're constantly tired, constantly like under eating, overeating, like whatever it is, and feeling like shit, then you are going to be short with your kids. You are going to be short with your kids. You're going to be short with your mom and dad, your partner, whoever it is right, like you're not going to be able to actually answer. That turns into like you. Maybe you're like yelling at your kids or like whatever it is right. You don't show up in a way that you would like, and then it ends up like you notice that you're doing it and then you judge yourself and you like try to stop, but you're already at capacity and so it's really about getting you below that capacity level, that max line yeah, and one of the other things too.
Speaker 1:I wanted to point out that I and I really like that you brought up was paying attention to your cycle, and it's more than just the five to seven days that you're bleeding, it's your entire cycle. There's so much information that you can gain about yourself and your body and your needs by just tracking your cycle, and, as moms, we and as women in general, we and as women in general, we don't need any more surprises, and tracking your cycle can give you the power to not have those surprises, you know, not have this extra surprise that you actually can have some power over definitely yeah, and you will.
Speaker 2:Once you start, you will notice like what is normal for you, and that actually empowers you. When you go to like the doctor, for example, right Like I always tell my clients that, even if you never have sex again, like hopefully you do, right Like I'm a sex coach and even if you never have sex again, it is important for you to understand your body in terms of your cycle, in terms of like what is normal for you, because that empowers you. When you go and have a conversation with a doctor right, going back to that effective communication you, if you don't know anything about your body other than like something's kind of off, I don't know what's going on. You almost have no other option than to just listen. And a doctor's responsibility is not to know your body. Your doctor's responsibility is to know the science.
Speaker 2:And when you go to a doctor's visit, it's a collaboration. It's not like, hey, something's wrong, give me a solution. They are only giving you the best guess based off of what you have shared with them. So if you're barely giving them any information, then that's what they're going to go off of and what they've seen Right, and so it's really important for you to know what is normal for you. So you can kind of push back and be like actually you might see that this is super common, but this has never happened to me before and I don't see why this is happening. And you can open a dialogue with your doctor.
Speaker 1:Mm, hmm, oh yeah, and also, I mean, because of the hormone fluctuations. If you're not tracking your cycle and you just notice a change like you're feeling very unmotivated for some reason, you end up blaming yourself Like, oh, why do I feel this way? Why can I just, you know, get all this stuff done? That I need to do. This is normally. This is so unlike me. What's wrong with me? If you were tracking your cycle, you would probably recognize that that's a normal period for you, or a normal part of your cycle, and if you already knew that, it would be so much easier to give yourself compassion. And I just need a rest right now, because that's what my body is letting me know it needs today. It's not that there's something wrong with me, that's just how my body is flowing right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I love this idea of like I mean, that's how I provide compassion for myself is really about just like understanding and even for others, right, really understanding and getting into almost into their brains, or like like what might be happening for them you mentioned earlier about your parents and like, oh, I understand why they did what they did, right, and it allows you to give people compassion when you can understand, or at least try to understand, where they might be coming from. And if you can do the same thing for yourself, then you're able to hold that compassion for yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. What's a common reason people turn to you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say that they're like look at, what's so fascinating about this is they're like looking for something, but they don't know what it is, and so I help them get clear, like on the consultation call, I help them get clear about what it is that they're actually looking for.
Speaker 2:But the conversation usually starts something like this like okay, well, I've been with my partner for like X amount of years, or I haven't had a partner for X amount of years and I'm really looking for something, but I, I just don't know. Like you know, it's just, it's just not what I want it to be. And then so then that turns into a conversation of like okay, what is happening that you don't want to be happening, what is not happening that you want to be happening, and really getting clear about what that is. And what I am so fascinated, I guess, is the word by by the work that I do is that oftentimes, when I say that I'm a sex coach, people automatically assume that we're like getting like hot and heavy in like the coaching session. We're like talking super raunchy and like sure, sometimes that happens, and a vast majority of the time we're talking about how you're pissed at your, your husband because he didn't change the toilet paper again and you went to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper. Really, because that really flows into the bedroom, as I call it.
Speaker 2:It right, like it's those things that you're not even thinking about and it's actually a lot for lack of a better word I guess easier for people to talk about that than it is to talk about the sex.
Speaker 2:So I really like to like warm people up and then, when they're ready, then like they come out and I just like match their energy, right. So if they're trying to get like all hot and heavy in the conversation, like okay, like let's do it, right, but I really let like my, my clients lead, and now I think I'm like going way off on a tangent. But anyway, yeah, it's really just about it starts with them wanting something and then not knowing what it is. And the analogy that I always provide is if, like, your mom sent you to the store as a child, like my mom used to send me to the store all the time for random things and she would send you a loan, and you get to the store and you're like someone's like, oh, how can I help you, like what can I help you get and you're like well, my mom said I was supposed to get this thing, but I don't know what it is like. You're not gonna get it because you don't know what you're looking for.
Speaker 1:And so really, that's how all of the conversations start yeah, that's funny and one of the reasons that I asked that is because I had listened. It's been a long time, it's probably been years now. I had listened to a podcast and there was a sex therapist on and she said sometimes she'll get wild calls because of these like assumptions that people have about sex therapists, like they think they're just there to give them more positions or something. Yes, things like that, and that's not. She was like that's, that's sure I can help with that, but that's not all I do. That's not my was like that's, that's sure I can help with that, but that's not all I do. That's not my main focus. Like, people can find that elsewhere. People can do a Google search and find that information, because that's not the best use of my time.
Speaker 2:Yeah definitely, and it goes back to what I was saying earlier about us like wanting more in order to fix it, but in reality, what's causing the problem is what's already there. So, like, let's focus on that rather than you just getting into a position that you're probably not even comfortable doing in the first place.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what do you find in terms of the, the couples partners, that are the, not the couples. If you work with with couples, you can answer the question, but in terms of the people who are in committed relationships, what? What has been their most common questions for you?
Speaker 2:yeah. So there's like this idea where, like after x amount of time which there's, no one can ever give me an answer if, like, after what year this happens, but supposedly after x amount of time, sex should be boring or monotonous, and like that's not necessarily true. If you think that's what's gonna happen, then it's gonna end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. But there's really this fear around like and many of my clients have been partnered for years at this point but there's like this ongoing fear that they have of like at some point it's gonna get boring and then we're gonna break up and then, you know, I'm gonna have to deal with like the aftermath of a breakup after so many years and like all of that. And I'm always like, well, like one who said, like you get to decide if it's boring or not, and like what is boring, like you can do the same thing every single time and it not be boring. It's really just what. Like some people really like doing the same thing, like, and so then it just goes back to like, well, what do you want?
Speaker 2:And I always tell my clients that are in a relationship of any kind that there is like, if we're talking just about like couples right. So two people. There's three sex lives that are involved. There's like your own sex life on your own, because you are a sexual being. Your partner has their own sex life, and then there's the sex life that you create together and so you can work on your own sex life and really focus on your own sex life and it can enhance the couple. You know how you are as a couple and vice versa, and so I think like providing that distinction is really helpful for people, because there's like this assumption of like now we are a couple and we have to do everything together, and it's like we can. Only we have to have the conversations together, otherwise nothing's gonna work, and like that's not necessarily true.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, no, that's an awesome point, and one of the things that comes to mind is, like, in terms of the boring piece, even asking that, like, what do you mean by boring? Because what comes up for me is, if it's boring, it's probably because your needs are not getting met and only your partner's needs are getting met. And it's about the communication piece. That goes back to the communication piece. Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it was so fascinating when people are like, well, that's boring. And usually what they mean is we're doing the same thing over and over again and I'm like, well, do you want to do this? Like I have the same thing for breakfast almost every single day and I am not bored whatsoever. So it's really about like, do you think it's supposed to be boring or do you actually think that it's boring? And if you do that, that's fine, we could talk about it, but do you think it's supposed to be boring? I think is a very common thing as well. Like people think like this one position is supposed to solve my problems and like it's not working and so I must be doing something wrong.
Speaker 2:It's like, maybe you just don't like doggy style or like whatever it is right maybe your anatomy with your partner doesn't fit quite in the way that you would like.
Speaker 1:Right for that position and I'd love that you brought that up. Yes, yes, because that is a huge piece, your anatomy, like whether or not you watch porn and if you've watched it, and there are things that you're like, oh, maybe I'd like to try that, and they look like they're having a great time. That doesn't mean you're going to be having a great time doing that, because your body not might be able to fit those specific positions or wherever you're getting your positional information from. Totally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, like I can quickly share on on some that might be helpful. Yeah, so, like I can quickly share on on some that might be helpful. Sure, yeah, okay. So if your partner is on the smaller end or they are on the larger end and and I just want to quickly say we are talking assuming those are like heterosexual couples, like penis, vagina type of thing, so if they're on the smaller end, it can be helpful to do missionary with your legs up, um, because they will be if you want them to go deeper. It can also help, if you don't want them to go as deep and they are larger on the larger end, that they can kind of more control the how far they go in.
Speaker 2:I would also say, if your partner's on the larger end or you maybe you have a shorter vaginal canal, it can really be helpful and actually like quite sexy for, like you, to be in control, and so, whether that means you get on top or that means you're like dominating from the bottom and really just you know sharing again that effective communication sharing when it's like to this point, and if you know sharing again that effective communication sharing when it's like to this point, and if you say it enough.
Speaker 2:Eventually your partner is going to like, get a feeling, at least in the same session, of like, okay, I can go this far, and she said to stop, and they're going to know, okay, at this point I can stop and I can, you know, remove myself. If you are wanting them to go deeper, doggy style can be also a great position, with the caveat that, if you are wanting them to go deeper, doggy style can be also a great position, with the caveat that if you are voluptuous and have a big booty, it's probably not gonna go in very far because it's gonna get stopped right. And so, really, just thinking, um, about your body type, um, yeah, and I'm also happy to answer, like, if someone's like I have this body type and my partner has this body type and this is what I'm looking for, I'm happy to answer those questions because I mean, I could share like a million examples and also, like it's totally dependent on body type um.
Speaker 2:So if anyone are you listening is like I have a burning question feel free to DM me and I'll be happy to answer.
Speaker 1:And in terms of like, we're talking about body ties, but what would you give someone who is struggling with their body image and that is impacting their sex life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so people are going to hate this, but I'm sorry. So I always like to throw in that comment because I'm like you're going to hate this, but I'm going to tell you anyway is really to like get familiar. Looking at yourself in the mirror, right, what tends to happen we don't like something about us, whether it's our body or something else, and we kind of just like throw it in the shadows and like don't look at it and like, oh right, and and shame really is bred in the shadows when we don't talk about it. So this is why sex, politics, religion, all of those things they're so taboo and there's a lot of shame wrapped in it because we don't talk about them enough, whereas, like motherhood and kids and I don't know what we're going to have for dinner, there's not necessarily a ton of shame involved in that, because we're constantly talking about it, right, we're like inundated with, like all of this information about it, and so it's really about you getting used to what your body looks like. Right, you may have thoughts about it that it's like not pretty, or it's too big or too small, or whatever your thoughts are about it, but by you getting used to it, it's going to become normal. What is happening when you're like hiding it away is like this is right. It's like almost reinforcing that belief that, like this is wrong, this is bad, this shouldn't be seen.
Speaker 2:I would also say that a colleague of mine talks about this as like the social media cleanse or our social media detox, I think is what she calls it. But basically, you're going to start following different body types, right, going to accounts where you are seeing everything and and not an actual body types, rather than like, oh, the sports model and you know whatever, and I think with ads that can be like kind of tricky. However, the algorithm is going to pick up on that. So start following accounts that are actually reflective of humanity. Go outside and look around, right, rather than like going out, and be very adamant when you go to the store, right. So if you're going to Target, be really adamant about the different body types that you see right, yeah, and even unfollowing the accounts that are giving you the anxiety around your body.
Speaker 1:Yes, definitely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and and even so it's very. I was thinking. I immediately thought of Instagram, like, when you like said that, ask this question. But I'm also thinking about, like even the accounts that aren't necessarily image focused but have. So, maybe, if you're on Facebook or something, or maybe you just like listening to YouTube on a rolling basis, or TikTok or whatever, and you're hearing those things or you're reading those things, right, Like, so are you reading books that? Are you know talking about like, oh, you know, she has like this Coca-Cola body type or like whatever. It is Right, and so, really being intentional about what you're consuming and even how you're talking about your body.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, no. I think that's really helpful because what I've in terms of the clients that I've worked with a lot of them part of their struggle is their their view of their own body and having that get in the way. And then my listeners here who are moms. Body image is a huge topic because of all of the changes that happen postpartum or pre and postpartum, throughout your pregnancy journey, your body changing and once you have the baby you don't necessarily go back to how you were before and so you are. It's about being able to start accepting yourself as you are now. Yeah, not waiting to accept yourself until you're back in your pre-baby weight or you've reached that fitness goal that you want to be reading, but be reading, be, uh, trying to hit, but learning to accept yourself now and that being able to change not just your sex life but your confidence in your life overall yeah, and like what I will offer.
Speaker 2:I think I have kind of like a unique perspective about this. Is that like when your body goes through a change? So whether it's like you gave birth, or whether it's age or it's?
Speaker 2:I don't know you were in an accident or something, right, like, yeah, there's a grieving process, that happens, and I think oftentimes because we also don't talk about grief, so we also don't think about it in that way of like, yeah, you are grieving your pre-baby, you know body, right, whatever that looked like, and maybe you didn't even like it, but it's still something that you got used to, and so it is a grieving process and I there's like this idea that we're supposed to go back to that, but it's like, no, we need to grieve it and welcome in, like this new body that you have, because, no matter, even if it looks the same, you have the same weight, you know, whatever it's still changed.
Speaker 2:Like there are changes that are made on the inside that are like they're never going back, right, even if you got pregnant and like you had a miscarriage or you, you, you didn't fully go through the birth, right, your body still changed in some capacity. And so it's really about grieving that pre, you know that pre-pregnancy body and accepting the new one at the same time, or even like one after the other, right, but allowing yourself to grieve that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, ana, if someone's listening right now and they're like I could really use her help, what is the best way that they can get in contact with you or, you know, kind of be in your world, your circle?
Speaker 2:yeah, so I'm on, I say all socials, but I'm on Facebook, instagram, tiktok. I mostly play on Instagram, just to throw that out there at sex in Spanglish, so it's Spanglish, not Spanish. My DMs are always open. So if you have questions, like, feel free to like DM me. I think people think I'm lying when I say that, but no, really, like I love talking to people, yeah, so I'd love to talk to y'all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I I'd love to talk to y'all Awesome and I don't know what I was going to say. I lost it. Thank you so much for joining us today and hanging out with us. No-transcript.